You turned a page of autumn-dried leaf,
and I was left behind in the slanting ink,
sitting silent inside the bowel of creation,
where the brush you tainted lies;
as strands of fine copper hair,
tinged yellow-bird with paint.
I wrote my art with fingertips,
spoiling bitter skin with dark coal,
and I sketched my words with delicacy
just as you plastered a statuette,
placing a hand on my lips
to clothe the drying pink.
Your palette would be stark white and empty,
and I yearned its naked embrace, so simple,
untouched by the scent of your lust
or the acrylics of your ego,
just the nude beauty of meaning
that showed true masters at work.
I had tried to work with these fake colors,
each time dipping my palms, into the black
and white of bare reality;
and my pictures would be traces,
of lettered creativity.
The bowels for my colors would be hollow,
just as the sketches I forced,
and you would tell me, words are shallow,
that art encrusts true moral.
I would tell you: my canvas is cloth too
and you would say:
it just isn't fabric.
Author notes
Asfand.
Word Count: 191.
Prompt:
~To wear brambles
as a crown,
or stinging nettles
around your neck
would not make you a martyr--
just stupid
and missing
the point.
by Catauthor
I am about to leave for my mocks in like one hour, so I had to squeeze in time for this Round because I knew if I waited till after the tests, it'd be too late. Lord, haven't slept all night. Brain pretty much clogged with Biology, so this is what I have.
Of the poem itself - don't read, spoiler of meaning = it all boils down to being yourself, doing what you want to. My friend has to be a doctor even though he hates it, his parents want that though. But what about what he truly wants and desires, it's his life, doesn't he get a share. It's a right. We all have it.
A contest entry
- Teen Idol 7: Round 5 [Top 10] by Tangled Angle.
550 points, ended February 26, 2008, 9 entries
Bronze trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Criticism Is Very Much Welcomed -- I Am Here To Learn
Comments
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While I think this is a beautiful poem I think you need to ease back on the pronouns a bit. There just seemed to be too many in spots of this. The fifth stanza really stood out to be, it was something different and unique, even in the context of the poem.
Thank you -
Honestly - I feel the others need to notch up some switches to tear some glory from you - but they are growing fast so watch out.
This piece - to me, was beautiful. I see slight comparison to what Tyler says but none-the-less, wow.
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95.0
"where the brush you tainted lies" didn't make sense to me. Not sure what you were trying to say.
I didn't like the ending honestly, I thought it was corny.
You had great ideas, but it lacked the usual amount of personality that radiated from your poems in prior rounds. I still felt the emotion somewhat though.
What you have here is still excellent.
Great job.
-
-
*notes down*
- lack of emotion
- corniness
*done*
*ticked*
Thanks!
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