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Pastel portrait I have just completed of Toy, my fiance, about whom this (and many other poems) have been written and dedicated. (July 08)
Together we watched the blazing bronze sun, as it tried not to disappear,
for night was impatient to approach, with her starlit chandelier.
The moon was already hung high and cast a cool subduing light,
and excitement rushed through my veins, for romance was in the night.
Soft sand still warm on this Aussie beach, a cool breeze fondled my face,
and made the whispering palms rustle and sway, with a gentle delicate grace.
A constant crashing of breakers on the reef, made a serene and comforting roar,
sending foam wavelets to skip and dance, across the white meandering shore.
The foam flushed gold from the setting sun, as it raced over the sea’s blue bed,
and majestic billowing clouds soared bright overhead, forming a big thunderhead.
We casually strolled side by side in love, gently holding each other’s hand,
jumping over mischievous waves rushing in, across the wet hard packed sand.
Night soon arrived in ever changing displays, as moonlight painted a silver sea,
while lightning flashes in the clouds above, lit her face as she smiled up at me.
We lay embraced on the warm yielding sand, spellbound by the picture before,
and made unhurried tender sweet love, in that paradise on the Coral Sea shore.
I have tasted many delights upon this earth including those of the flesh and nature,
but never did any surpass that night, or possibly will any of those in the future.
and after the climactic confusion ceased, when our minds melded together as one,
our Love matured as we lay peacefully embraced, for each other’s hearts we had won.
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In a list
A contest entry
- for Romantic Dreamers ~~ OPEN TO ALL! by PassionsPromise.
1800 points, ended April 19, 2008, 15 entries
Bronze trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Love like no other by okadadokie.
680 points, ended April 24, 2008, 30 entries
Honorable mention
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Give me your favorite Prewrite by SignifyingNothing.
875 points, ended August 9, 2008, 112 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Tell someone you love them... by Margaret Denham.
1900 points, ended August 23, 2008, 47 entries
Honorable mention
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - IN THE ARMS OF AN ANGEL by eyesofanangel524.
900 points, ended May 12, 35 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Please tell me what you think
Comments
1 - 60 of 60
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Beautifully structured and well written. Love in its greatest form. Untouched and untainted. Thank you for entering this piece about your angel. God bless and may your ink never cease to flow.
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when one loves this deep it is a treasure to
put in your chest of memories, I hope things are well with you...thank you for sharing also..lovely indeed
MM -
this is a very enjoy able poem i liked how you expressed your love this poem can go far thanks again for allowing me to read this
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bryansgirl04
Thank you for the kind words of support and it pleased me that you found enjoyment in my work, for after all, that is what poetry is all about. To garnish it with your applause was an added bonus for which I thank you.
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I love this poem. Everything from the structure of it to the way you work in the words works brilliantly. Congratulations on penning a wonderful poem!
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This is truly a beautifully worded and presented message of love. I wish you much happiness.
Thank you for entering and best wishes in the judging.
Love Margaret
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magnifico!
What a great portrait Baz, unbelievably lifelike!
She's beautiful.
I live in France now, and rarely use the site - can't STAND the free versers anyway!
Good luck to you and the lovely lady.
Kind regards,
Robin.
PS Many tks for the jokes etc., just home in the UK 4 a few days and chuckling over them. -
This is really lovely. I like how it conjures up the scene so well. You use both rhyme and alliteration very effectively, though the rhyme does falter in the last stanza, which in my opinion is the biggest weakness of the poem.
Having said that, though, this poem is quite a cut above most of the poems I've received. It's a beautiful love poem and a wonderful testimony of the way you feel, as well as capturing so effectively a beautiful memory. I really enjoyed reading this, and its going to the finalist list. Great job and thanks for entering. Congratulations on the trophies too. -
Glorious
This poem was outstandingly beautiful. The well pictured scenery that I could also feel. The waves crashing into me and the sand packing on the bottom of my feet. Love is definitely in the air with this grand piece of work. The emotion was was structured into this piece, not to mention the emotion was also well felt. This is the kind of love the grabs hold and never lets go and I'm glad it has ahold of you, and has given you the liesure and I sure the pleasure to write a beautiful poem tributed to your love. Great job on the painting as well. Great Job, Keep the pen and paint brush flowing!!!
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Wow, what a stunning piece artwork and the poem is beautiful. I have not been on for ages, life has been so busy that I have neglected the one thing that gave me calm! Congratulations on your engagement, this is great news and I hope you and Toy will continue to enjoy the wonderful happiness you share for many years. Great to hear from you Bazza.
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Wonderful piece of art!
I just love the poem, it had a wonderful story, and the painting of Toy to go with it ... breathtaking. Thank you for showing the your poem. If I had a contest you would surely get gold trophy, but alas, I can only give you three applauses.
Cheers! Jim
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lovely poem for your fiance, she is very pretty, thank you for sharing your love of her with us, good luck
Lin
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Wonderful sketch you have made - very talented artist, as well as poet you are. Enjoyed the rhythm, rhyme and flow of these lines - sentiments well expressed here. Lucky pair.
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Congratulations!!
It looks as though BrudderBaz has found himself something wonderful as is so masterfully expressed in this latest work! Congratulations are in order indeed for such happiness and peace of soul are rare to an extreme. Fantastic pastel portrait, and a wonderful poem indeed!! I love that last stanza...so much feeling...Bravo!!
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Wow my friend this write is outstanding
I am happy for you and wish you all the happiness in the world. You deserve to be happy for your such a wonderful person with such great talents. With so much love to give. Your new bride to be is very beautiful. The portrait is amazing I never new you could do pastels so beautifully. Thank you for sharing your talents in both the art of pastels and your writes.
much warm regards my friend it always a pleasure to hear from you maybe I will see you around
LISA
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Wonderful.
This is a wonderful tribute to her and you do a good job painting what she is like both with the pastels and your words. Congratulations and have a blessed life together.
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Congratulations Barry! A beautiful write for a beautiful new bride to be. I see you are as talented with the pastels as you are with the pen. I hope you two are very happy togther buddy. Best wishes to you both. Take care and Have fun. Steve
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That's pastel? When I first saw it I could have sworn it was a photograph! So realistic and detailed! Amazing!
Not only is the portrait fascinating (really - stunning), this is one of the most beautiful, well-written poems I've ever read.
I love it! Thanks for sharing!!!
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Welcome back Barry, Toy is very beautiful and I love the portrait of her. You are very talented in making the portrait come alive and your poem is magnificent.
You are very blessed my friend to have found such a beautiful love.
Love Joan
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This is such a wonderful poem with outstanding imagery. Once again you have painted such a beautiful picture with your words and the pastel portrait is stunning. You have such a talent. well done for this one and congratulations on your engagement. May you always be this happy. It is so hard to find the person that can make you feel this way, good on you for grabbing hold of it. I wish you all the very best my friend. You have truly been blessed.
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Hello My dear Bazza
Have you truly done that portrait yourself? It is wonderful and the poem only does it more justice. It is so so good to have you back. Val
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This is a tender poem...
...The words you use are like soft music as they relate your story of love and tenderness. It makes me feel a contentment.
I like the way you expess your emotion in readily understood rhyme and with the effect of alliteration.
Your art is magnificent and goes well with your poem.
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So Beautiful
Hello my friend.
Yes it has been much too long. Your fiance is so beautiful and the words you write match her beauty. I am happy you found love at last.It was wonderful hearing from you. This was an excellent write. You take care my friend.
Many Blessings,
Sandy
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Well Bazza....both portrait and poetry are amazingly stunning to say the least, such beautiful creation from brush and pen. I wish you happiness, health and contentment in this new life you have found. Thank you for sharing this beautiful work with us all. All the best to you both.
Shaz xx
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This is a very romantic piece of poetry that I could embrace for my own poems
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Beautiful!!
Wonderful weaving of words and tale told
Beautiful images You have brought forth for the Mind~~
Magnificent rhyme~
Congratulations on Your Trophy win!
-Throws confetti-
Woooooooooo Hoooooooooooo
Thank You for sharing Your Heart and Spirit~
Many blessings to You in all You do Sweet Soul
Best wishes too
and much love~ Desire~*~
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Wonderful write. Great job.
~Oka/KC -
this is really beautiful...not quite what i was looking for but it is a wonderful declaration of love.... i could feel myself there with my boyfriend doing the things you showed me.... I'll have to let him read this he'll love it too.... thank you for sharing hugs and love Linda xxxxxxxxxxxxxx
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I loved the imagery in this it was really good and I could put myself into your shoes great job keep it up
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this was good..not exactly what I am looking for in my contest...but a good poem overall...thank you
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you need to put which pic inspired this
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Bravo on a absolutely lovely piece. this was very VERY good. Thank you so much for your entry please add your name to author notes as requested.
Good luck to you in this contest.
Love
Passionspromise
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I love seeing how this grow and devolped into stage 9, very well done. I loved it, especially here:
And after the climactic confusion ceased, when our minds melded together as one,
our Love matured as we lay peacefully embraced, for each other’s hearts we had won.
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I really like your rhythm and flow in this piece You did very well with your imagery also! Thanks for your entry!
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read the rules? this is still an excellent poem
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I read the rules and they are ambiguous.
I have read the rules and you ask for love poems of all kinds and I am sure this is not about going fishing. Remove it if you like but may I suggest you be more specific next time you give the subject matter for a competition instead of the vague ambiguous words you expected us to interpret and especially it would be nice if you used the spell checker which would instill more confidence that this was a serious effort on your part.
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Very good, thanks for entering it into my ever so humble little contest
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Won my HEART!!!1
This won my heart love is so precious. I loved when you said Night soon arrived in ever changing displays, as moonlight painted a silver sea,
while lightning flashes in the clouds above, lit her face as she smiled up at me.
We lay embraced on the warm yielding sand, spellbound by the picture before,
and made unhurriedtender sweet love, in that paradise on the Coral Sea shore.
I have tasted many delights upon this earth and those of the flesh and nature,
but never did any surpass that night, or possibly will any of those in the future.
And after the climactic confusion ceased, when our minds melded together as one,
our Love matured as we lay peacefully embraced, for each other’s hearts we had won.
Everyone feels like they have won when it comes to love i wish you the best of luck in my contest
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In the first stanza, the comma between "sun" and "as" is not necessary. Actually, the one in the second line is superfluous too.
Oops, I'm sorry! Out of time, the bell rang. Would you like me to come back and finish the critique when I can -
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No thanks you need not return, but thank you for offering a suggestion re my comma placement. I disagree about the commas being superfluous and they are there on purpose. My poems are designed to be read out to an audience and therefore time is necessary to allow the pictures to form in their minds. I dont write a version for AP as it takes too much time and anyway I can see no technicality which says they should not be there. If the pauses are usd you will find when listening to the poem being read to you, that they are in fact necessary but I do appreciate your taking the time and effort. Thanks a million.
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Good luck in those comps with this endearing tale.
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great passion great images
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Masterful
My kind of poem beautifully rhymed and every bit of nature utilised to paint a romantic picture lovely
imagery and flow in a nutshell Wunderbar!Loved it
JUDMC(George)U.K.Try my patch for"Little Girl"
"Blue eyes"or even" Hit AND Run"Best Wishes keep writing -
This captured my mind, between the Passion and Imagry. Simply devine, a captivating write.
XxTwigxX -
ocean breeze and sunblock
Oh now this one took me places!! Great piece for my contest, thank you bunches!! As I am in love with my own Aussie lad, I am obviously attracted to the aussie-land itself. It was a nice little treat to read!!
I loved the form and the style you chose... you created a wonderful world and mood... everything was good except you might want to go through and make sure everything fits your past-tense perspective.
"...while lightning flashes(should be flashed)"
Again, thank you for this!! I will definately consider this piece.
- - riah - -
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No I meant lightning flashes in the clouds for when this happens in the tropical areas during a typical tropical thunder storm, the cloud flashes constanly and the flashes continue in a spectacular display of continuous awesome power and light, not occasional flashes that are intermittent as in the colder areas. Flashed would have been appropriate then but not of the tropical type where flashes is correct. Thanks for the effort in bringing it to my attention.
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Liked the alliteration in these lines, the flow and rhythm and rhyme. Even with the long lines, this works out in the end. Sentiments well expressed here, with vivid images created through the words used.
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This was great and showed such a great feeling of what it's like to find true love.
Great write and keep up the great work. -
Oh how romantic! This has to be one of the most soft and wonderful writes that I have read in a very long time! The images that played on my mind are amazing!!! *sigh*
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SOME NICE IMAGES HERE GOOD STUFF
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You have some WONDERFUL imagery here. You paint a beautiful picture here with your words. I have to say though that i didnt find that it flowed very well... maybe its something as simple as going through and checking the grammar? im not sure what it is about it that didnt quite work for me, though i feel thats very minor in comparison to how your words show the emotion and vision of the scene. Keep up the great work!
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this is a nice turn of phrase:"with her starlit chandelier" good ending nice long luxurious lines fit well to this piece this is a particularly nice image/turn of phrase:"The foam flushed gold from the setting sun, as it raced over the sea’s blue bed," good ending with the rhymed couplet thanks for sharing this trip to the beach regards zaj
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Ahh Bazza, what a fantastic piece of writing my friend. Every single thing you wrote was totally etched in my brain as i read this. Absolutely fantastic my friend and great to see you again. All the best from Bonnie Scotland. Kenny
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I meant ABCB Baz.
R. -
I would take issue with 2 points Bazza :- you have a line with the words "overhead" and "thunderhead" which doesn't quite work, and the half-rhyme of nature and future doesn't work for me either ; otherwise it's pretty good, and worth a little clap.
Robin.
PS I still believe it's the most simplistic form of rhyme (IE ABC
, only you've joined A & B and C & B together.
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beautiful
beautifully written with wonderful descriptive details takes one to the time and place very vivid pic it paints wonderfultalent pleasure to read
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Wonderful!
Amazing write. Imagery and feeling are present in every line. I love the last stanza and it shows how important love is to each and everyone of us. Bravo!
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Great stuff my friend! Full of emotion and gentle words of love. Well done indeed!
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Excellent
Your imagery is stunning, Barry . I loved lines like "for night was impatient to approach, with her starlit chandelier".
The ending is superb as well.
"I have tasted many delights abounding this earth and those of the flesh and nature,
but never did any surpass that night, or will possibly any of those in the future"
This shows how much love matters to you...I just wish this lasts forever!
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I think love suits you, Bazza.
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