Syllogistic romance
in an isotropic world,
withered leaves held tight under
humanities tinted glare,
A rosebud stamped upon each cheek,
encasing and ensnaring
the fallacy of laughter lines,
as hooks on lines to tie behind the ears,
Your fingers twisting round my hand,
once soft and tender held, now
thread iron throughout porous bones
and cringe;
recoil without movement,
Passion faded sepia in sunlight;
such a glare
that burnt loving ties to fray apart,
a leaden tomb of love to rest
encasing dark of fair,
Friendship painted messily to ashes
of dust from powdered love,
and a ‘no hard feelings’ speech,
giving begging fingers no longer dreams
for which to reach.
But harsher dreams in place of old,
on one end of the severed rope
the spark still begs to smoulder,
and each hug of embrace former
sends insinuation awry,
on one end of what
no more they share.
Through broken ties
and gaping eyes,
no friendship shared to salvage,
disbelieving of a long forsaken no;
There's nothing left to patch the wound
for it only goes to show.
Author notes
for how can prior friendship be salvaged, when the flame of romance has burnt out and withered through the autumn years?
prompt: http://artfiles.art.com/images/-/Dougall/Abstract-Autumn-Wall-Tapestry-C11756401.jpeg
Word count: 179
lucy sky-diamond
A contest entry
- Teen Idol 7: Round 5 [Top 10] by Tangled Angle.
550 points, ended February 26, 2008, 9 entries
Honorable mention
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Please tell me what you think
Comments
1 - 9 of 9
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Amazing poem. I liked it alot. So very well describeing. My favorite part that i so most liked alot. was when you said "A rosebud stamped upon each cheek,
encasing and ensnaring
the fallacy of laughter lines,
as hooks on lines to tie behind the ears,
Your fingers twisting round my hand,
once soft and tender held, now
thread iron throughout porous bones
and cringe;
recoil without movement," That was a great piece. good job.
..<3..
shelly :] -
I think part of the problem with this piece is how much metaphor you've tried to use. While I'm a bit of a whore for metaphor ('scuse language), you've tried to pack too much into each line and as such it gets a bit jumbled. You have to give the reader to digest one idea before moving onto the next (don't get me wrong, there were a few metaphors in here that I loved. There was just too many as a whole).
One of the other issues with this was the way you constructed you sentences. You tried to put too many (for lack of a better way of describing it) serious words together. This again meant the reader didn't have time to digest it and let the picture form in their mind.
I think Heather had the best idea with this. Read it aloud and see where the flow works and where it doesn't
Nevertheless this was a lovely poem.
Thank you -
I agree with Tyler - I found the phrasing, word usage and the flow to be stiff but so loose it feels rushed. I think you need to read aloud to find the places where editing - and adding should be done But I did enjoy the unique feel.
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84.1
I think the structure of the entire poem was rather sloppy. It's like you didn't even try to make the structure of your sentences controlled; in result, it was hard to follow your ideas. Well, I did understand it, definitely, but it really messed up the flow. Please work on punctuation and sentence structure...that is what really brought you down this round. I also didn't like the rhyming at the end.
Besides the punctuation and not-so-good rhyming, I like your creative ideas a lot. Good job.
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Passion faded sepia in sunlight;
such a glare
that burnt loving ties to fray apart,
a leaden tomb of love to rest
encasing dark of fair,
i like this part the best.
good writ alot of big words in this poem
i had to break out the dictionary.
but it was worth it,good write.good luck!
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Ooh, I really like this. You had big vocabulary words in the beginning, but you kinda lost it in the end. Imagery was good, though. I could actually FEEL what you were feeling.
Good luck in the contest! You should do really well.
~Cassie
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....O_o
Mabey i am jsut stupid...but you lost me on the first line...literally
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This is great. I can relate to this feeling, but it doesn't always turn out that way. Sometimes it strengthens the love bond. This was a great write keep up the great work.
Never let anyone tell you that you don't have talent. -
This is great. I love the rope metaphor. It worked really well with the idea of a romantic relationship turning into friendship then into much less. It's a little frightening how much I can relate to this. Good luck in the contest!
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