Xeric eyes,
bankrupt of tears,
finally puncture
your stoic veneer.
Naivete lies,
obsolete souvenier,
hands tightly clamped
over penniless ears.
I remain,
earning my wage.
Chug foolish wisdom,
drunken Cheshire sage!
Smile again.
Fill me with rage.
See what will happen
if you rattle my cage.
Lock undone,
erasing all stains,
destroying the deeds
to your misplaced claims.
You surrender,
arrogance wanes:
I exact my revenge
by escaping
your
chains.
A contest entry
- Big Points Contest!!! by deleteduser.
2700 points, ended March 2, 2008, 27 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Pre-writes & Fresh Writes by LadyUnique.
400 points, ended March 7, 2008, 56 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - WHAT DO YOU LIKE by Elenaliz.
1000 points, ended March 20, 2008, 25 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - A ...=...Anything by TheAshtrayGirl.
550 points, ended March 13, 2008, 51 entries
Silver trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Anything goes. by still.she.waits.
600 points, ended April 1, 2008, 113 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Do What You Want by Bull3t2b1n0ry.
650 points, ended April 4, 2008, 19 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - AP Dark Alchemy: Turning silver and bronze into GOLD for dark prewrites. by howlinginpain.
1100 points, ended April 9, 2008, 22 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Get Gold This Time For Your Rhyme by piccola.
400 points, ended April 22, 2008, 14 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - The Three Way Split -Gold, Silver, and Bronze by 2lullabyhaven.
475 points, ended April 24, 2008, 33 entries
Silver trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Prewrites But NO "fresh" writes by ecrivain01.
450 points, ended June 6, 2008, 77 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Prewrite-palooza by swim.x.
1650 points, ended October 6, 2008, 101 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Share your poems with me by trekkergirl.
550 points, ended November 6, 2008, 174 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Comments
1 - 25 of 25
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nice write like the ending where you escape those chains. Very creative. Thanks for sharing this and thanks for entering it into my contest
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This is great
I really really enjoyed reading it. Well done for the two silvers 
Congratulations and good luck in the contest.
Chin up,
Swim.x -
Very nice ...
although "penniless ears" did grate a bit. Somehow penniless and ears don't seem to work together. Congrats on that Silver. -
A good one...thanks for your entry.
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I love the idea of this. The rhyme was very good, I would like to see left align but that's just personal preferance and I hate judges that insist on that thank you for your entry.
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WOW big words aaaahhhhhhh
still it awesome
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This is a well written piece. The rhyme isn't forced and it flows very well. Thank you for entering and good luck.
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wow great job! love the length, love the rhyme, love the words you used.
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this is quite amazing and interesting to read in form and length good luck in the contes
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Much, much better ! ! !
I also have difficulty with "Grinning half drunk sage" although I think it needs another syllable. Funny how everyone has an opinion. I would use "grinning half drunken sage". I always read, at least twice, aloud. Once for flow and once to see how the reader will actually hear it in their mind. It's good now and with a touch here or there (now, or, months from now) it will only get better. Again, somuch better than the first rhyming pattern. Great job with the poem and the editing. -
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"grinning half-drunk sage"
I too wasn't completely satisfied with that line. I've tried something else that, without changing the syllable count, seems to improve the flow. I'd appreciate your honest opinion, when and if you have the time. -
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I think you've got it!
Not only does it work better than the orginals, it adds a bit of complexity that wasn't there before. Good work. Sometimes it can be "hard" work but hopefully fulfilling in the end. Way to keep on it! ~ Timothy
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Love the rhyming--and I'm really picky about rhyme. The language wasn't that flowery, but (perhaps because of the meter) it still read very eloquently. It flowed really well, except the line "Grinning half drunk sage". I think it has too many syllables, but I'm not positive... Ironically enough, it's the second stanza that has the biggest emotional punch, in my opinion.
I really like this poem. It's not too complicated, but it doesn't try to be anything it's not. Good job, and keep writing! -
Alright, other than having to agree with the others about the generic rhyming, I really liked this piece. I like the structure, and how you put so much feeling and imagery into such a short poem. I can see why its a trophy winner. I had to learn to use the thesaurus, dictionary and rhyming dictionary to get better comments on my work. Even though I don't feel its still as good as It could be, this piece is still very good. Good luck in the rest of your contests, and it never hurts to expand and try other words. Well done, this does deserve applause in my opinion.
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Some thoughts . . .
without trying to rewrite your poem, a few suggestions. First, most of your rhyming words all have the same word structure (i.e., tears, fears, years, ears, etc.) there are only so many words that fit into the same structure. Therefore, the pattern is overused by poets without using a depth of vocabulary AND the reader has a tendancy to anticipate the word coming next before they get there maiking them feel like they could have written that so, there is no reason to read it. The second problem is that some lines may seem to be written to fit the rhyme instead of turning a poetic phrase. Suggestion 1: find words that donot fit the structure (i.e., adhere, sincere, tier, etc.) Of course the problem with that is you have to rethink what was already written. Suggestion 2: Sometimes the rhyme comes naturally but most often not. Make writing the poem almost like a word bank. Often, Ill comeupwith a list of different rhyming patterns for a word and write the first rhyming line and place one of the words (that holds the meaning of my poem of course) holding a place as the last word in the yet unwritten last line. I then try to make the poem and its meaning fit into the words I have chosen. May sound a difficult way to do it but often it works and it makes you think seriously anout each line and how to get a unique rhyming pattern. It may seem difficult at first but it is very good practice and with practice the whole process becomes easier. Just a few ideas. Good luck in your efforts.
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Great...!
i loved it.
Can you comment mine...?
My Loss and Help.
Kudos! -
I've stopped reading after the first stanza- "Years, tears" This rhyme combination is the most overused combo in the entire world. I get sick of seeing it- Also "xeric eyes" and "bankrupt of tears" both of these lines say the same thing. Repetition in poetry can be good, redundancy is not so good.
I'll continue reading now, "hear," "ear," and "rage," "cage" -Again very generic rhyme.
I like your thoughts in this poem, but I believe they could have been expressed better. The rhyme is poor and very generic, the ending too.
I did like your alliterated line, line number five, and I liked the image I saw in my head when I read line number twenty-two, other than that, this really is not top-of-the-line poetry.
(Sorry for being harsh, but I did warn the contestants on the contest description page.)
Thanks for trying,
Shirley -
this has a pretty good rhyme to it. it was very comfortable thank you for entering and best of luck
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Thank you for your entry, sorry I can't comment much but I did like this poem!
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Syllables is what its all about. You're a master. You should have a word dojo.
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What a great metaphor! And in rhyme no less. I am impressed. A new favorite for sure! I like the ambiguity of it too- always a good element in any poem. Good luck in the contests!
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Well written! This is a great poem with wonderful meter and rhyme. The story unfolds easily and the hidden truth lingers in monotony. Thank you very much for entering in my contest!
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I remain,
earning my wage,
spout senseless wisdom
like some half-drunk sage.
Smile again.
Fill me with rage.
See what will happen
if you rattle my cage.
i love this part.
i dont know what xeric means i have to look it up now
good write. -
Ooohh, I really like this one. You are so talented. I especially like your use of "xeric" again. Once you find a good word, you have to run with it don't you? I really liked the layout of this one and even the simple black background with white letters. It's very fitting. I think this is my favorite of your most recent peices. Nicely done my friend.
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Excellent
I really admire your talent and command of the English language.--SOOO well written and versed with perfect flow!!
Best of luck in the contest!!
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