It's All To New Mommy

Mom, I am writing to you because I have to because if I don't I will forget. I cannot write much now as I am busy grieving and planning your memorial but I will come back and write the most wonderful things I have ever written. You didn't like poems all that much but you seemed proud of me that I had such a talent and it was something you couldn't do well, at least you said that. I saw you as someone that could do everything and do it well and you did.
I know you are upset with me for being angry at myself for leaving you alone at 10:30 in the morning on Saturday when you were quickly passing through the tunnel of life to light. Maybe I would have fought you, made it worse and my inner spirit just knew to leave you alone and let it be. I heard you laughing while I was screaming louder than I've ever screamed in my life, blowing slobber all over your face and into your mouth. Your teeth rattling with my futile attempts to bring you back to life and call people at the same time. I must have looked so ridiculous but at least the blue spots on your face and arm left with my air. Now you forever have air inside you from me. I don't want to cremate you mom. Did you ever think of how hard it would be for us to do that? I still have not come down to dress you but somehow I know it would not matter to you whether you were naked or in a those nice black slacks you were going to wear a friends funeral the actual day you died yourself. I keep asking you to tell me what to do, I don't hear you except that whatever is fine for me is fine.
You spent 30 plus years being strong stuck to that fucking black motor chair that replaced your legs and the majority of it you never complained. You didn't like sympathy and you didn't want to be treated different. Now everyone is telling me well your poor mother she suffered for so long. In your eyes you didn't. You took your lot in life as it was and moved on quickly to the next thing. You knew your legs were broken, you knew that it meant you could never get inside my home or travel to see your sons or to your brothers funeral a couple months ago but it never hampered the qaulity of your life. I get so angry mommy when they say things that you didn't believe in yourself. I can only pray I will gain your strength my God you are phenomenal woman, such a precious human being and I don't think you realized how well you influenced those around you and what you left us to remember. You were so proud the day you bought this watch studded with crystals look, this will be yours someday and I felt my stomach turn. I told you I didn't want your watch and then this Saturday my son slowly and carefully fastened it around my own wrist on the same side you were wearing it. It didn't fit before your wrists so much smaller than mine but for some reason it is dangling on me even without the extra link you saved. I put your beautiful crystal cross on my neck, going over in my head how we stood in the mall only a week ago while you decided whether you were worthy enough of buying it for yourself. I told you to get it, it's beautiful. You thought it was too pretty for you. Even today I must go to your empty home and sort through the things you purchased on your last shopping trip to the mall. I wish you had called me so I could go with you, Omgod mom I remember now that you called me on Wednsday inviting me to come and I couldn't...Mom help me with these sad memories, help me stop blaming myself. You didn't like new nurses and you should never have been with any of them. They brought this damn virus to you and it took you down in a matter of hours, how I don't know. Your nurse Liz got a cough the day after the same day you died. You've had respitory things before this is too odd mommy to just not be able to breathe, your doctors calls stuff in late a night and you are dead by morning. They won't do an autopsy because we have to pay for it, insurance doesn't.  Oh how I wish I knew what killed you, what took the strongest woman I know down so fast. It wasn't your heart you had just had that all checked. You were even eating 5 hours before you died. I don't understand and I guess I never will.

Mom help me deal with the cremation part of this. It was not easy with granny but you were there with me and we just went on with the day and thought of something else, I can't do that with you. I want to crawl inside your plastic bag and hold your freezing body and stay cold forever, while I stroke your hair and pinch your tiny nose because it's so cute. You still have a baby face mom, your skin is still soft. You finally broke down on Thursday and bought that OPI nail polish, you had spots on your thumb from testing it. It is the most beautiful multi colored polish I've ever seen and I want to go there and paint your nails for you but I am afraid to keep seeing you like this. Everyone tells me to let you go because I can't get the images of how you looked out of my head already. Beth called today and she told me that she lost her mom and her sister just recently. She brought a blanket to her sister who had been kept cold and despite family being upset she still feels it was right for her. Moms are so used to every dirty detail but I wish I knew what you wanted. If you feel its best for me to not come and do this I won't. You were rather pragmatic more worried about me than yourself and probably would not want to see me upset and think it silly to paint your nails and put nice clothes on you only to get burned. I can here you saying, save the clothes Susan, lose the weight and wear them.