Bobby, lay the beat down.
Gary make your guitar sing.
Tickle those ivories, Iris.
Sam, a little saxy swing.
It's time to make music.
We're on the rhythmical move.
We got a thick crowd,
waiting to hear our groove.
(Spotlight moves to solitary man,
as he moves to the mike)
I'm the front man, Ferris
I set this musical scene
It's all about the blues
Do you get what I mean?
(Looks out at audience)
(Begins to sing)
She's a justified lady
without a damn clue.
She lives in a house
of just one shoe.
She has no real answers,
nevah had any plans.
Don't care a whit
what you understands.
Her vision is nothing
but cloudy blue.
It has no substance
for a man like you.
A soul so empty
going noplace
with a heart of stone
and a listless face
She lost her reason
and her own way.
In her insanity,
she thinks you'll stay.
Her vision is nothing
but cloudy blue.
It has no substance
for a man like you.
Mz. Sloth draws you in
like a moth to flame,
then burns you up
as you scream her name.
She's morbid death
in a tight blue dress
soulless, heartless
with a cold, stone breast
Her vision is nothing
but cloudy blue.
It has no substance
for a man like you.
Author notes
Hope this is a unique take
A contest entry
- Midnight Blue Sin of Sybarite Sylph by DayDreamMuse.
1500 points, ended March 7, 6 entries
Silver trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Criticize freely, I need input to improve
Comments
1 - 14 of 14
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Seems like a jazz tempo for a blues tune. A cautionary piece warning against forfeiting substance for the appearance of style, it seems like an incantation curse by one who knows. In that 2nd person voice we hear the blues for this tone sung blue.
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it is a unique take and it sounds like someone should be singing it, everything flows and the rhythm is awesome
-Kas K Bubbles
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such imagery Aahh
I am there
in that place with the sax player
guitar and ivories
Ferris singing the blues
...keep away from that 'lady'
who has no 'clue'
'vision' only 'cloudy blue'
he has substance
she has not..
Brilliant
*Hug* Lib x x -
Very Good!!
This poem is really good.It has depth and takes you there! Your words bring it to life. -
this is a good wrie, it is a happy one which is noce to read for a change I felt the rhyme and flow were well done and congrats on your well deserved trophy!
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The edits made did improve this write and
empower it with a steady rhythm. Best to you! -
Oh this is just like in a cabaret. If you knew about my other contest you could have fitted there perfectly with appropriate entry. Anyways I simply love the resemblence to the picture used as prompt and I see my co-judge did her citique. She is a very wise poet, knows her studd. I have years to catch up with her, but we both agree it's unique this poem.
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Groovy. The rythm's broken on a couple of places, but overall, the 'look 'n feel' is quite good. I like the first and last parts, but I also think this could be so much better if you'd try to alter it a bit. Like the rhyming: most of it is really ok, but every now and then a strange rhyme pops in. Like you didn't have any inspiration for that line. Not that there's anything wrong with that, but from my own experience, I think it helps to sit back and try again later. Could turn out to be something really good that way. Other than that, good job on the chorus and personalisation of the band.
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This seems like it would make a fine rough draft for a larger piece with more sophistication.
Best stanza (imho) was:
She's morbid death
in a tight blue dress
soulless, heartless
with a cold, stone breast
Worst was:
She's a justified lady
without a damn clue.
She lives in a house
of just one shoe.
Does that not immediately bring to mind the nursery rhyme Old Lady in a Shoe? The beat is _almost_ nursery rhymish and there isn't anything profound or stylish here except a bit of slang.
A little alliteration, would dress it up. A little irony or some sort of a twist at the end perhaps?
The framework is in place to make a fine piece... a little something to snazz it up and (for this group) to weird it out, would be good.
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Thanks for the critique
I'm going to tweak this piece. I have no idea where it's going to go maybe, mix poetry with free verse or turn it into a short story. Your suggestions are solid, I'm gonna let them play in my head a while. Hopefully, something will percolate.
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To be honest, I didn't think I was going to like this to begin with. But I enjoyed the unusual subject matter, once it got past the part with the names. I thought the song itself was rather beautiful, and I enjoyed the use of slang and poor grammar to develop the rough characters of the blues scene.
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Oh this was so upbeat I absolutely loved it amazing!
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Unique and steady in rhythm. I really like the
way this opens, the assonance of names to instruments. Then too, I like the way sloth is personified matching the image given along with hue.
I have a mild suggestion directed to your last (and all important) line: "deep, cold, uncaring breast"
where deep and cold throw-off your fluid flow as they proceed another descriptive: uncaring.
Knock it down to one or two descriptives. Also, you
may want to rethink the line above as leaving 'a' at the end also causes a pause. I also see this in a slighter affect at: "with a heart of stone and
a listless blank face"...In this read, pauses don't do the piece justice because your metaphor is
all about rhythm, song. The stanza proceeding your last one is so strong and fluid, it really causes a contrast as the reader moves into the next and final one. Hope this makes some sense. I very much enjoyed your take on this.
Blue
PS-doesn't has the apostrophe misplaced. -
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Thank you
Your critique really helped. I made immediate changes to try to improve it. Please, if you see any more of my stuff. Do the same. Constructive criticism makes me better. That's what I want
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