On gossamer wings fly the dreams of childish things.
As child slumbers, she whispers simple numbers.
Two hearts beat as one, when the day finds the sun.
In innocent love we desire; to greaten, give and aspire.
So sleep, my butterfly lover, sun high above her
for in your childish belief, I find some relief.
From the dreary day, I wish in your world to play
to freely so give, in happiness to live.
Little fairy girl, asleep with golden curl
if awaken, perchance, do your loving sundance.
As angels do on top of pin; whirl and spin
and know my heart sigh, "I love you," I cry.
A contest entry
- PIF Picture Inspired by whispernthedark.
540 points, ended February 19, 5 entries
Bronze trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Criticize freely, I need input to improve
Comments
1 - 16 of 16
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You know I think this piece is beautiful as I have rewarded it before. Thank you so much for giving me the chance to read it again. Good luck in the contest.
♥
whisper
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i like the feel of this piece, from the external rhyme and internal. as well as the fantasy
tho to me it seems more thinking about the thought of childish things than actual childish things
well maybe except for " As child slumbers, she whispers simple numbers." but that may only be because my perception of childish things is different, as i think of simplistic wisdom, and little moments of profound yet slow reactions, reasons and understanding, as well as simple epiphanies, or in other words very simple complexities with little logic
but hey either way i like the feel of this piece
- Kas K bubbles -
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Great critique!
'Childish' things' has its flaws. I still haven't worked out the changes. Its done in a voice that is different for me.
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Beautiful! love the soft feel to this - sweet and pure. I especially like,
'On gossamer wings fly the dreams of childish things'
Congrats on the Bronze!
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very sweet
lilting slumber
'gossamer dreams'
sooo gentle
dream s s s s
Li b x x x
s
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Subtle softness of words.
Gentle thoughts, and loves dreams.
Some sensual elegance within, and the detail of words paint details in the readers mind
Wonderful write
Julie
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this was lovely and sweet
"On gossamer wings fly the dreams of childish things
As child slumbers, she whispers simple numbers
Two hearts beat as one, when the day finds the sun
In innocent love we desire; to greaten, give and aspire"
i just love the words you chose and the image your poem created...
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Aww. this was so beautiful.. I loved the image that you created.. I was smiling by the time I was done reading this.. Your words were so beautifully put.. Grea write. I'm glad that you got the bronze.
Peace to you,
Jetleena
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This is so sweet! I love the innocence of this poem.
One little typo that's kind of bothering me, though, is "Little fairie girl" should be "Little fairy girl". Thanks!
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This has got a beautiful dreamy feel to it
Congrats on the bronze
~sugar~
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oh wow...
this is lovely!
what a beautiful rhyme and flow within beautiful imagery...
this is simply divine...
congrats on the well deserved bronze!
Blessings! Tammy
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Thank you, Tam
This is different for me. The female poets, who
I read, have inspired me to more softness.
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very beautiful, thank you for entering the contest.
♥
whisper
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Your right!
My mistake! What an incredible coincidence that I placed this PW with the same judge that gave me a bronze on it. I'll withdraw. Thank you for a chance to share it again with others. -
Thanks!
I enjoyed the write and the recognition. This one was different for me -
thank you
this is really different for me. I appreciate your acknowledgement
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