Somehow you have become
elemental to my being.
A hydrogen tongue through Venetian slats
And a gust of salt air in the evenings.
I'm leaving you with postage
Fifty-two envelopes marked with ink
The cobalt letters in Sans-noir font
For a year your tears I'll drink.
Until the sulphur fades from forehead
And The Service grants me absence
Home for Easter, get you wasted
Under neon pub-light, last kiss
If the mercury bullets find me
Or the lead from shrapnel severs
Just remember that my red cells
Carry you, my oxygen, forever.
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1 - 9 of 9
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You could do this:
While your tears, for a year, I'll drink. -
If it weren't for that inversion ...
in line 8, this would be totally perfect. I suppose we can look at that like the tiny imperfection in a Persian carpet ...
In any case, this is a fabulous write. It's a love poem that's not maudlin or sappy, and works marvelously.
If it weren't for that inversion, I'd recommend you send the poem here:
http://www.oxfamireland.org/shops/news/2008/poems2009competition.shtml
but the competition is so steep that I'm afraid it would kill your chances.
Also, the deadline is the 15th of July, and you'd have to really get a move on to post it to Ireland by then.
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this is wonderful, your diction, structure, imagery, everything is perfect! well done! and such a sweet poem too!
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Definitely different and incredibly well written. I get that you're trying to use a lot of elements and stuff, but it's a bit of overkill, especially for me since I get enough of the elements every day in chemistry. Otherwise though really great piece.
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You never cease to amaze me in a weird yet satisfied way.
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Quite well written, great
use of the words to, good job. -
last line i thought was great as you relating some 'caustic' elements to dare i write it - 'caring' thanks for sharing you hydrochloric devil you regards zaj
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Excellant
Quite well done indeed. Your imagery was most unique, for what I percieved as a love poem.
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I loved this
- very original metaphors & word choice - delivering a razor sharp love note from the sharp end itself. It flowed incredibly well too! In a nutshell, this is one of the best I have read, so top marks and good luck in the compo!
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