I recall when once I was in love
I know I felt like rain falling upon the floor
the love had turned me into rain
linen birds flying pass my window
I think I was lost like a word upon paper
ask the morning sky and the night
for they both witness me and him
together smiling under their eyes
laughing while walking under shades
everyday and my fingers they know
too working for me making words
beautiful poetry of his wondrousness
before I turned my eyes off into dreams
listening to music only of m y heartbeat
it wasn’t just a melody but a moan
feelings that could not be quiet
and we kissed with a sound like a
fallen coin in his car that day
there is when I felt like a sentence
finished no more of a word lost on
paper of what this was?
he was the voice, that sweet voice
that could make sing I soon realize...
I did feel like a rain fallen on the floor,
his love had turned me into rain
now I don’t know what I am now
must be what is dried up by sunrise
scared and gone
A contest entry
- Quickie, Anything Goes, Surprise me :) by Cupcrazy.
550 points, ended February 17, 2008, 8 entries
Honorable mention
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Give Me Everything! by Uncle Haku.
1400 points, ended March 10, 2008, 49 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Two Options; Dark Picture Prompt by stylization.
450 points, ended March 17, 2008, 18 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - PRE-WRITES! ROUNDS CONTEST!!! by Luminescence.
525 points, ended March 23, 2008, 176 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - THE WORKSHOP CONTEST-BIG POINTS!!!! by Amy Meneses.
1700 points, ended April 12, 2008, 19 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - jfhljf by Makinbettachoices.
600 points, ended March 28, 2008, 15 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - a spotlight ... by PrabhuDayal Khattar.
400 points, ended November 29, 2008, 15 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - America's Next Top Poet : Auditions by speak slow.
400 points, ended August 18, 38 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Please tell me what you think
Comments
1 - 18 of 18
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I thought this was beautiful. The title is beautiful, the background is beautiful, this poem is beautiful. it reminds me so much o "love story" by taylor swift. it's pretty and so romantic. but it doesn't remind me of the song, because of the somewhat sad ending. nonetheless, i loved this. yes. congratulations, you are a semifinalist! :
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Hello, please space your username out in your AN! Thank you
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very nice read here i have like a very short reading expand and to be honest i read alot of poetry every day and if the first two lines of a write dont grab me i simply leave i love your one sound in this poem here very nice
This line gave your poem the chance for me to further continue
I know I felt like rain falling upon the floor
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Ah..the story is very trueful and very impressive one..a great poetry you shared here my friend..thanks for entry..
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First of all, I love the title! Don't know why but I am just facinated with Titles right now....anyway, the first thing I noticed was the lack of punctuation while reading this....like it was a free flowing, almost rushed poem. And then near the end, you added the commas and the ?? and the ... That maybe your intention...a rush until after the kiss. I lov ehte phase "Wasn't just a melody but a moan" Very Nice
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Hey
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Awesome
It really made me think about a past relationship i had... i loved it! Very sad and wonderous. Keep up the good work hun! Your poems are great.
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You are Using Your Talent Wisely
"laughing while walking under shades
everyday and my fingers they know
too working for me making words
beautiful poetry of his wondrousness
before I turned my eyes off into dreams
listening to music only of m y heartbeat
it wasn’t just a melody but a moan
feelings that could not be quiet
and we kissed with a sound like a
fallen coin in his car that day"
I quoted this part of your poem because of the love that you really describe so perfectly. This is a very deep way of describing the way this person made you feel. Damn, that what I'm talking about. I wish that I could be in love again so that I can feel just like this. You should be writing books and making Hallmark cards. Keep writing and I'll keep reading.
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it happens
we pour ourselves as liquid sacrifice, out to this person. at times the new day leaves us as residual dew after morning sun. life has that way of waking us to realities of life. all the glitters is not gold.at times we create within our minds and heart, this perfect person, alas, there exists none. all happiness to you.
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Firstly Hi, its been a while since we communicated (you would remember me as Grendyl).
Some interesting word usage here, giving different images not usually associated with them. I like the progression and the almost repeat of the “rain fallen upon the floor” line near the end, almost like a confirmation of the initial idea.
A couple of spelling mistakes; “dryed” should be “dried” and I’m assuming “scarced” is just a slip of the finger and should be “scared”.
I’m a little confused with line 2; “I know I felt like a rain fallen upon the floor” it’s the “a”, either you need to remove it or change “rain” ie. “I know I felt like rain upon the floor” or “”I know I felt like a raindrop upon the floor”. The “a” usually makes the following word singular where as “rain” is plural.
These lines also cause me to stop; “and we kissed with a sound like a
fallen coin in his car that day”, I find it hard to imagine the sound associated with a fallen coin and a kiss.
Just a few edits that I can see.
Overall the poem is very good and tells the story well.
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thank you Grendyl
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Because of the abundance of entries into the contest... I will not be breaking down the score... but will be quick commenting.... your score is...36 ... out of 40.. thank you for entering and participating in my contest, and good luck,
~luminescence -
bravo
Highly introspective and so very romantic! I loved these lines: "and we kissed with a sound like a
fallen coin in his car that day" brilliant! a superb poem! bravo... bravo... bravo...
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This is a nice write and very interresting however this does not fit the guide lines for this contest. I was looking for your house being your body, leading to your soul. thank you for the entry and good luck with the other contest you have it in.
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Very nice
Interesting and deep as always Aurielle my Artist. Your poetry is always unique and interesting to me.
"BOO"
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Beautiful piece, excellent flow and emotion Hugs, Bunny
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Stunning piece! Best of luck to you in the contest!
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*sighs* At the beginning I was enthralled with the beauty of rain and love growing ... but then your final line kinda made me a little bit sad
A truly lovely write
♥
Best of luck in the contest
Stay safe
~Manda
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