I just heard
my sister
fall
in the shower
behind these wicked
walls
[I don’t mind at all.]
But now I’m thinking
of the water
running down
She's probably visiting
the deep end
thinking, realizing
what her life is
[I’ll go get Mom.]
A contest entry
- Quickie, Anything Goes, Surprise me :) by Cupcrazy.
550 points, ended February 17, 2008, 8 entries
Honorable mention
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Shoot.
Comments
1 - 15 of 15
-
That last line...wow...heavy blow to the chest.
-
I like this,and I like your style.
very impressive
-
-
Thank-you
-
-
wow... um... Ryan do you not like your sister... or is this symbolizing stuff... lol... i dont get it... kinda! xoxo MEg
-
wow do u like not like your sister or something?
-
-
I like her, I'm just showing how when it comes to bruises, I'm not going to make a big deal out of it, but when it comes to her well-being i do care
-
-
you didn't care, if i know brother and sister relationships from what i have seen you were on the side laughing, keep it flowing and congrads on the contest
-
hummmmm different that is for sure. I liked it though. Made me smile to myself a little, just like a brother and sister to not want to care but really do.
-
This is wonderful Ryan, rich in imagery yet concise in words with a touch of humor. Great work Hugs, Bunny
-
I agree with the poem below mine about the last line, that was cute and made me smile as well. Though this wasn't my particular favorite style of poetry, I cannot deny that I found it very intriguing. Good luck.
-
What a strange poem! The "I'll go get mom" part made me smile
-
Lmao
Awww now this is just a helluva classic point of view with a bathtub full of shower water and the relaization that she actually slipped and the 3ater is running over his body like that makes us feel like she is drowing but then again also makes us realize this happened at her parents palce and you as the brother ran for help. haha this ha sit all and I liked the beginning becaus ein a small way you threw me off thinking that u were dealing with death from the Wicked walls part but I love being fooled. any ways nice work and keep it up n good luck
P.S. came to that conbclussion because I am blastin n rockin to Empty Walls Serj Tankian song
-
this was cute... I kinda didn't understand though but i like that last line lol it sounds funny and i cn picture the house and the mother the person talking and the sister probably singing in the shower lol...
-
I found the last line funny, does that mean I'm becoming as mean as you?
-
Well you have to go back and finish it now, it is posted and bring a snack, lol so you'll have the strength to comment lol
Adding your comment:
1 - 15 of 15
