the spoons in my
kitchen drawer
didn’t match each other
and my mother
came for a visit
to remind me
they never did
flea markets
were ‘no place
to buy bricks for
a stable home’
and it was time
to grow up
’cause it wasn’t
all about me
anymore
I nodded-
with mousy brown hair
hanging in my eyes
and a baby resting on my hip-
studying specks of dirt
beneath my fingernails
while muted thoughts
lingered on the flawed mugs
in my cupboard
I was determined
to keep them all--
cracking handles,
chipping lips and
graceless harmony
included.
Author notes
pick away, please. critiques and edits only make it better, so there's no reason to be shy.
In a list
♥
Comments
1 - 14 of 14
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After reading your most recent poem (which btw, is now over 3 months old) I've decided that you, drunktanklullaby, need to return.
If only for momentarily.
I'm back, for now, and you should be here as well. Let's give AP what it's been missing, yeh?
I really like this poem, btw,
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fantastic. you need to write more.
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AH.
there's nothing to be said. the words are simple and clipped, to the point while saying everything as poetically as possible. that's what i like - it fits the mood, it sets the tone for how i feel liek you must have felt at the time. like - clipped and dull but trying to push through. if that makes sense.
i cant put it to words. you...are amazing.
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I'd prefer to comment on the topic than to offer criticism, especially considering the topic of the poem (your mom's criticism)
You know what? Of course you don't...how could you? Sorry, but, the hardest thing in the world is for people to keep their mouths shut. They have an opinion on everything, and parents/relatives, well, they feel they have that right, carte blanche, and maybe to a degree that is their right, but like everyone else...they don't know when to stop.
What works in the poem (for me of course, I'm no poetry scholar) the last six lines, those chipped, cracked cups they represent defiance and freedom that go beyond their utilitarian value. I think that was exceptional.
And the opening lines, they're excellent too, it shows the reader the long standing friction between mother and daughter. I'd love to read the mother's perspective, it would be quite interesting from a family relationship point of view.
One of the few good poems I've read recently, thanks.
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wow! I'm flattered! Thank you so much for this wonderful, detailed, thoughtful comment. What you said about the last six lines is very true... I absolutely love human/animal & human/object parallels and extended metaphors. I try to include them in my writing when I can, and I'm very pleased to see it was noted by you and several others. Thanks again for the response!
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I'm not being shy, but I can't think of a suggestion. I like this as it is, your style is so true and this poem feels very intense. The lines
"and it was time
to grow up
’cause it wasn’t
all about me
anymore
I nodded-
with mousy brown hair
hanging in my eyes
and a baby resting on my hip-"
touched me on quite a personal level. I also enjoyed how you have added the whole kitchen story, as what I think is a pretext for expressing the feelings, the conflicts. Lovely poetry.
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Thank you for your wonderful response! I'm always glad to see when you've commented on my work, 'cause I know you'll have REALLY thought about it and showed me what its strong suits were and how it was relateable to you. Those things brighten my day, always. It's a pleasure to see you around here again, I've definitely been missing your writing.
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This was such a beautiful write. So vivid, it makes me see everything that you have described. I love it ♥
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ARE YOU BACK ??!!?!
loved it baby. loved it. -
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i hope so! ♥ you're the best, girl!
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Does this mean you're back from your break?
I don't think there's anything I could say that would make this better. It reminds me of so many things and nothing at the same time (I'm making no sense, I know).
But it's a brilliant poem, but then again, when do you write anything less than amazing?
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you always say the nicest things to me! and you definitely make sense. or maybe i just speak helen. yep. i'm fluent, i think. ;D
& i hope to be back from my break... but we'll just have to see if i can squeeze anything else out of my crowded little brain. haha
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ok i would say, the line breaks after the fourth para should be edited. i will on say anything on the content. 'cause i loved it
you are a loser if you think you can't write, sister!
ha!
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mm yes, i agree. they're quite awkward. will definitely rework them.
and thanks. a lot.
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