Over smooth and rough I always trip along
Resisting all my instinct not to look behind
Humming a sorrowful lonely song
That seems to carry away into the wind
With the crescent moon shining high
Deep within the wondrous heavens
I take a long deep breath and sigh
Pondering why everything happens
Seeing stars of teardrops shining
In the pale moon's glorious light
The ground beneath my feet is breaking
Trying to push myself with all my might
In a list
A contest entry
- Your Maverick Prewrites . . . by RatherImaginative.
925 points, ended October 16, 2008, 67 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Comments
1 - 16 of 16
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I liked the meaning behind your poem and how you try not to dwell on the past but keep pushing on even though it is difficult at times. Feeling like people don't understand you or even listen is something that is hard to deal with also. I liked your rhyme scheme but felt that maybe you needed to work on the timing a little more, especially in the first stanza, I only mention this as it is something I am really trying to improve upon in my own poetry.
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I liked this. It's simple and kind of sad, but with a feel of innocence about it at the same time. I don't know why I get that vibe from it, but I do. You vary the rhyme structure a bit, and I think that's good, how you use the rhyme without being a slave to it. You manage to make it sad without suffocating the reader in angst, which I appreciate.
Overall, a nice write. -
I'll mention the typos first: title, Grabbing; stanza one does not need those two apostrophes; stanza 3, teardrops should be one word.
I feel no real angst in this piece, but rather a definite sense of one whose heart has broken by person or circumstance. It's interesting how the beauty of the night instead of bringing piece underscores the loneliness and sorrow instead. You've done well communicating the emotion in your poem. Thanks so much for entering my contest! -
i like this. kind of old school. you're threading a thin line, on the one hand it's beautiful, on the other it's in danger of being cliché. that said, i think you pulled it of. i just wonder in what direction you pushed you're self.
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Very good.
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Excellent
A very fine write, indeed. Although, I might be wrong, however, I think cresent is spelled crescent. Imagery, rhythm and rhyme are just fine.
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wow....first of all this is amazingly great....secondly i can relate to the speaker so much....in these three stanzas so much is happening within the poem with the speaker and her world and her mind....it's very flowy, great imagry--i loved readin this over and over again....you did a marvelous job ;]
Godbless....
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it dosen't really flow, and at the begining it seems like your rhyming patten is abac but by the end it looks like abab. it needs a few touch ups i think. but the topic itself is good, and the words are beautiful
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Beautiful.
I like the opening, and how it builds as it progresses. and I expecily like the lines,
"Seeing stars of tear drops shining".
Beutiful scensrry detail, and an allover awsome write.
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Rough at first, the opening lines seem not to read so easily. But the second and third stanza are much more eloquent and flowing. The last line definitely leaves one pondering... seems there is more to this that should be written, or maybe not?
until immolation,
Grimoire -
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when a new journey begins the start is alway's rough. I want the reader to feel the journey unfold. When the poem became more flowing, I wanted the reader feel progression. Then finally as the poem close's I left you feeling it's not completed because is our journey really ever over. Any way thanks for your honest feed back
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Damn Good!
Indeed as said before by other commenters this is a very good write. I enjoyed vision that it evokes in ones mind. Though I do have one complaint about this write and that is that it left me wanting more. If for some reason you ever come back to this write and add-on to it please let me know. Thanks for sharing and keep up the good word. Peace out!
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good metaphor and flow
sounds like you are in a rough time wanting help to take the next step forward. As you already know, no one but the Lord can help us with that.
I seldom suggest changes on poetry, but I was wondering on the last stanza if you might use In the pale moon's eye.
Tamara
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love the metaphors!
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I enjoyed this read very much. You do have a couple misspells however. Shineing should be shining. Wonderous should be wondrous, and drop's should just be drops. Other than that I think you did a great job.
Kelli
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hey thanks so much for your comment I'm the worst speller in the world but I still try all fixed
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