Flashing spotlights accentuate flowing movements.
Sweat trickles down to the floor,
an ocean of perspiration, condensation
resuscitation of relief.
Denying all thought… just motion
between bodies stripped of their differences
red, yellow, blue hued alien bodies
anonymous against one another
pounding out a random beat
driving into my brain, my heart, my soul
until all my limbs are reaching out to it.
Inescapable
A memory of your voice,
whispering to me--lyrics
in a bouncing jumble of noise.
Repeating the same words again, and again
that caused our destruction…
You did this to us
I scream the words you whispered.
Your accusation, my demolition,
resuscitation of repression
Convulsing along with beats-- Balanced
versus unbalanced emotion smoldering
within my exterior... controlled
by the beat pulling me
into the ocean of denial.
I fall into the tide
where your arms are flailing against mine.
Our bodies intertwine anonymously,
your whispers of forgiveness
swirling into my consciousness.
A fever spreads,
setting aflame my resistance;
you annihilate all opposition in my mind
crumpling my doubt in your hands
And I succumb to you
One last time.
Author notes
Ah.Sosha.
Word count including title: 184 words.
I picked the prompt 'Last night I had a dream- a dancing dream...'
Suggestions welcome.
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Have you ever wanted something so bad, that it haunts you in your dreams?
You want everything to be fixed... and then you wake up to find that it has all fallen apart again.
I hate when that happens.
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A contest entry
- Teen Idol 7: Round 5 [Top 10] by Tangled Angle.
550 points, ended February 26, 2008, 9 entries
Honorable mention
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Please tell me what you think
Comments
1 - 10 of 10
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While I could tell this was an emotional write it didn't hit me like I expected it to. It was a bit like watching a movie on mute, all of the tears and smiles are there, but there's a wall between you and it. I thought some of your language was wonderful while other bits just didn't seem to sit right.
The set out of the piece was too clunky for me but other than that, really very interesting.
Thank you -
I'm not going to lie, you are my idol in this series. Really, I think your work is absolutely brilliant, you never cease to amaze me. This piece was no different.
Amazing job and best of luck this round (though I really don't think you need it).
Love Always,
Caroline
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Wow. That makes me soooo happy. I just hope that I can keep on chuggin on.
p.s. you did awesome this round, I am totally jealous.
♥'s
Sosha -
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Glad you are happy.
And my idol....jealous of moi???!!!
Now you're not the only happy one hahaha.
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Opening stanza was brilliant! But what happened to the other too - they were torn from the lack of pronouns to a near overload. I found this personal and emotional but not clear enough to be real and stun. I feel the flow of beginning should have been carried out.
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90.8
I thought the transition from past tense in the first line to present tense was awkward. Your punctuation and sentence structure was good for the most part, but try working on it...the emotions and ideas you are trying to express will be conveyed more clearly if you use punctuation as effectively as possible.
I'm not fond of the organization of stanzas. I thought they could have been broken up more.
"Inescapable"
"You did this to us"
wasn't the best way to express the idea. I think you should have somehow transitioned, instead of just abruptly saying those things. That also messed up the flow of the poem a little bit.
Besides those things, your metaphors and imagery are always strong....and I loved your ending...definitely a force to be reckoned.
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I like it, I think you've used a good vocabulary and flows well too. Lots of sweet alliteration and repetition as well. I like the way it's set out, with only 3 sentences set aside to give them extra punch. I think the last long stanza is my favourite, especially the first line. Good luck and take care! x
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Thank you so much. I was afraid that I had gotten to the point to where all my emotion was just-- blah, in my poems.
I'm happy with it... but I don't really know what else to do with it to make it better.
♥'s
sosha
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It's a beautiful piece Sosha!
" Sweat trickles down to the floor,
an ocean of perspiration, condensation
resuscitation of relief."
Love it
However... I think your word choice (bodies, beat) could be better... and even though "a dancing dream" is part of the prompt, it would be much better left out... (please don't hate me lol I'm just saying...)
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Thank you so much Taral!
I usually use a thesaurus if I find a word that doesn't exactly flow well with me, but I didn't have the internet when I wrote it.
It's still a little rough, and I'll probably take that one part out... it seems to give it away a little bit.
♥'s
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