I can't sleep at night
Your face haunts my dreams
I am totally confused
I don't know what this means
Should I forgive you
Or hate you forever
I can't escape the memories
Not now, not ever
I can't think anymore
you've taken over my brain
The clouds are so full
Oh when will it rain
Did you want to do this
You? Of course not!
You just knew that
You soon would be caught
Thoughts swirl in my head
I can't shut them out
The room is spinning
As I fall, I shout
I lie here in pain
Your fault of course
I can't scream anymore
My voice has gone hoarse
I am so dizzy now
I am blinking so much
I am sitting here
Craving your touch
I hate what you've done
But I love you still
You're haunting my dreams
Your face I must kill
Author notes
*** YAY its been slightly edited!****
This poem is about betrayal in a way. YAY contests. It snot super dark but its depressing!
This poem WAS supposed to be for school. It probably still will be however it IS kind of long for my project... Oh well , my teacher will just have to read more.
please note that this poem isn't entirely about me. some emotions are mine others not so.
and in case you were wondering
the clouds are so full
oh when will it rain
is a metaphor. I won't provide further explanations.
In a list
A contest entry
- I don't have a title so just enter! by BeautifullyBroken42.
450 points, ended March 5, 2008, 20 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Please judge as critically as you want
Comments
1 - 10 of 10
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yays! xDD
I loved this poem =D
Not much else to say, it's awesome-ness explains it all lol
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Great write! I love the emotions in this. The betryal, the anger, the questions! Fantastic! I am sure that your teacher is amazed with what a talented student he/she has! Keep it up!
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I like it! xD
But Maybe you shouldn't have rhymed forever with ever, because it sounds strange...
Other than that, good job J.!
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SHHHHH!
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The emotions of this piece are very well portrayed. You begin your poem well with "face haunts my dreams" a good word choice. I particularly like the lines "the clouds are so full, oh when will it rain?" This adds a sense of longing to the piece very effectively.
A couple suggestions. The line line "For I'm going hoarse" woulds sound better as "my voice has gone hoarse" in my opinion of course. Secondly, the last line seems a little forced. I think what you want to say there is great, but how you said it was not quite there. I would suggest "A face I must kill" or "You are cut from my will." Something along those lines.
I really enjoyed this piece. Well done.
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umm thanks for the critique. i guess I did say judge as critically as you want. Forgot about that. I know the last line is awkward. I will change it . thanks for the suggestions.
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I like this, I can definately relate to it. I used to have dreams about my exboyfriend all the time, still do in fact. at first they made me too scared to sleep so I got into the habit of staying away for as long as I possibly could.
The clouds are so full
Oh when will it rain
I like these two lines the best. they seem the most creative to me.
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Hehe great poem! I don't see many errors, well none really! I liked the emotions you put into this. And that you put others emotions in to! well done!
~Ruth~
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WOWWWWWWW!!!!!!
That was deep i loved it the one line. "I'm am totally confused" i think would sound better as "I am" just a suggestion. but this was the best yet i loved the emotion you put in it wheter they were yours or not it was beautiful, whatever you were feeling when you wrote this try to feel it each time you write it will bring out the best of your abilities. once again great job.
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i love this poem
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