You look like rain in shallow fissures
of roads and other grey faces
caught in saucers of accident
gloomy, shamed and spent.
You feel like broken people
when you come to me for respite
in your breath I hear a hundred sighs
you taste of long, meandering goodbyes.
Author notes
Not quite sure about this one...I know it's very abstract but I think everyone can discover a meaning of their own in it.
(For the 'Rounds Contest': Jal Pari.)
A contest entry
- PRE-WRITES! ROUNDS CONTEST!!! by Luminescence.
525 points, ended March 23, 2008, 176 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Contest by NoUseForAName.
600 points, ended March 19, 2008, 19 entries
Gold trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - _.:*~*:._.:*~*OPTIONS: BIG POINTS*~*:._.:*~*:._ by Erika Elektrikka.
2200 points, ended March 12, 2008, 28 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Celticmoon's and Leander's glue a trophy on my Prewrite by leander.
800 points, ended March 27, 2008, 74 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Please give some honest and constructive criticism
Comments
1 - 26 of 26
-
I dont think this is at all abstract, it's clear as hell and I really like it.
-
This is quite a thought-provoking poem that you have written here. There are quite some different ways to interprete this poem, and to be honest, I quite like that
Abstract piece, with good imagery well done!
thank you for entering the contest
I wish you the best of luck!
Leander -
Hmm, this is an interesting piece and I did enjoy mulling it over. I really like the metaphor you've chosen.
-
Your words are abdtract and interesting. The imagery they weave runs the mind in a variety of ways for me. I find this to be a write that can be taken in many directions.
Thank you for entering.
Best of luck to you!
Blessings
Bel
-
Hmmmmm. This is very abstract...I like abstract. There can be many meanings to this, yet no matter what, it keeps it's melancholic undertone.
Good Luck,
Erika
-
Great imagery that leaves a haunting aftertaste. Like you, I'm not quite sure about this one - other than I like it.
-
I like the use of color, the greys and yellows. It has this sort of overarching mood about it, like a depression that can't be shaken
-
This is a nice first entry, and I hope an indication of what's to come.
My suggestions for revision are few. I don't think it's necessary to capitalise the first line of every sentence. It might be fun to play with the spacing and breaks a little more and in doing so, cut some of the unnecessary words.
That being said, you've painted an interesting picture here and I like it. -
thank you for entering and good luck
-
It is different but it was very nice... I like abstract.. I like it when you have to read things over and over and can get many things out of it.
title- 8
diction- 9
syntax- 8
wowness factor- 10
total- 35 nice score
Thank you for entering and participating in my contest and good luck..,
~Lumin -
I'm not sure what this is sounding off about.
Perhaps people? Okay..
Best wishes to you in this contest,
Jin
-
-
I can give it four perspectives:
-a lover who has been playing the field, now hurt and abandoned, coming home looking for respite.
-the emotions "used and abused","spent force", "sad and wistful"
-your own self analysing itself and talking in third person
-or it just could be about a much used ,yellowed with time book speaking of all those people who escape their lives and hide in the tales woven inside it.
-
-
Interesting... unusual imagery here. I picture, perhaps, a prodigal wife or husband who has been playing the field, now hurt and abandoned, coming home looking for respite. The poem seems to have an aura of acceptance or forgiveness to it as well.
I like the abstact feel to it... you might consider writing something three or four times longer for my abstraction contest? I'd be happy to read more!
-
-
I really love reading the way people interpret the same words in entirely different manners. Someone else had said that she imagined that it "just could be about a much used ,yellowed with time book speaking of all those people"...and now, you've a very distinct, very interesting interpretation of your own. I like yours too, even though the poem is actually from my own perspective about my own self at one point of time, myself talking to my own self. Sounds sort of weird but that's how it is.
I'd love to try something for your contest. Here I go to check it out on your page!
-
-
Very Good!
I love the image in "saucers of accident". The meter and line length add to the pace and regret underlining this piece. I want to read more, but this brief glimpse is an excellent picture of resigned support.
-
-
Thank you for the applause and the comment. I first wanted to continue this but then, I wanted to accentuate the regret and resigned support too and I decided that a short piece would be a better option.
-
-
good luck wth the contest good title vg opening strong closing good metaphors/allusions through-out very effective thanks for sharing regards zaj
-
-
Thank you for the applause and the lovely comment.
-
-
Splendid!
Navdeep,your mastery over words is a pleasure reading-your expressions are so well depicted- one tends to emote with the poem-'You taste of long, meandering goodbyes'-this line has left a deep impact -I read this poem at different levels-after my first read I got a distinct impression that it just could be about a much used ,yellowed with time book speaking of all those people- my next read left me feeling you were speaking about the emotion "used and abused","spent force",sad and wistful-'In your breath I hear a hundred sighs'this is another line that is very impressive indeed-The entire poem has so much to say -I have enjoyed it a whole bunch
-
-
Thanks a lot for the lovely comment. I like reading about other people's interpretation of my words. The book one is fascinating and now that I consider it, it does make sense. However, I meant it in the other sense, the one you interpreted in your next read. It's mostly sad and wistful emotion, but about living things, about people, although I found romance in the book idea.
-
-
Wow Wow Wow....
What a come back… this is an excellent portrayal of your feelings… beautifully depicted and genially accomplished… your poetry has matured since you left… Your words have portrayed very deep and jaundiced feelings…
"Caught in saucers of accident"
This line reminds of a Greek restaurant that I visited some time ago.. at the end of the meal, there’s a Saucers throwing session and someone can easily get injured if a plate bounces of the wall and lands on an unauthorised body standing or passing nearby… you have to be good in catching
at the bottom of the menu it read;
Catch of the day;
Relieve your stress & frustations by joining us in a Greek dance & the traditional plate breaking
Plates for breaking…….£10.00 per Dozen
Leaving the joke aside
Your metaphors and personifications are gorgeously crafted…
“You taste of long, meandering goodbyes”
Beautifully concluded …
mina
Well come baaaaaaack
-
-
Thanks a lot for the comment and applause, Mina!
LOL @ the saucer throwing session! It sounds so exciting! If I ever come to England, I'm definitely going to that restaurant and indulging in this madness.
-
-
Navdeep, Your thoughts are deep and I can hear those sighs as I see the vivid imagery flashing before my mind's eye. The thoughts of a poet streaming across the page as you share your heart with all of us. Don't ever feel broken, you are more than whole and you bring light to a world which desperately needs it. Let those thoughts keep flowing through your ink as they come straight from your heart. You touched my life when we met here and I am a richer person for that. Love you my friend, Joyce
-
-
Thanks a lot for such a warm comment, Joyce! It made my day. =) I'd written this poem some weeks ago, I think just when I'd come back to India...or maybe in my flight. I'm losing my memory...pffft!
I'm glad you liked it. I was afraid that maybe I'd forgotten how to write.
Love,
Navdeep
-
-
Ok, so I hit the wrong key. LOL You would never forget how to write with what is inside of you Navdeep. You can see the maturity in your words and the creative mind that is behind them, not to mention the pure heart. Don't let your pen be idle for so long again please!!!!! Love you my friend, Joyce
-
Never!!!!!!!
-
-
Adding your comment:
1 - 26 of 26
