A Letter.

TO YOU:

I fucking hate you. I fucking hate you and I fucking love you and I am not really sure which is worse. I hate the way you looked at me. I hated the way that you spoke to me. I hated the way that no matter what you were always better then me. I hate the way that it was always my fault. I hate that you hurt me and I let happen over and over. I hate that I cant stop thinking about you. I hate that i let you control my life. I hate how controlling you were. I hate that really you are still controlling my life from a hundred miles away. I hate that you couldnt not go through my phone. I hate that you called me names all the time. I hate that you said I was liar but you never told me the truth. I hate that I let you do this to me. I hate that I didnt leave sooner. I hate that you lied about me. To my parents, to your parents, to anyone you met. I hate that now the lies are going to get worse and I will not be able to defend myself. I hate that I let you get me pregnant. I hate that I left you. I hate how much I miss you.

I love you. I loved everything about you. I wanted you to love me. I wanted you to need me the way I needed you. I wanted to feel loved for more then one day at a time. I wanted to hear nice things the way I always told you nice things. I wanted you to apoligize the way I had to apologize to you. I wanted to make you feel the way the way that you made me feel on a good day. I never wanted it to be like this. I never thought that I would get out of the truck and you would truly leave me. I never thought that you would threaten to kill me. I never thought that you would try. I never thought that you would take the torture game and use it. I never thought that I was saying the wrong thing until  you said I did. I never thought that what I did was wrong until you told me how wrong it really was. I never thought I was a bad person until you told me so many times I had to believe it. I never thought I was whore until you said it and I believed it. I never thought that I was bad in bed until you said and I believed it. I never thought it was my fault until you said it and I believed it. I never thought that I would have to live without you. Now I do.

Do you know what its like to love someone so fucking much that you would change everything about yourself to make that person happy? Do you know whats it like to give someone everything and then have nothing left give? Do you know what its like to hear the person you want to be with more then anything scream that they hate you and you have to get outta their fucking house? Do you know whats its like to be standing in the cold while the person you love rips your clothes down again? Do you know what its like to forgive that kinda shit and just beg for them to come to bed with you? Do you know whats it like to not be able to fix the problem, when every complaint was something new? DO you know what its like to not be wanted? To feel like you are broken. To feel guilty because if one thing had been different maybe the whole thing would have been different. What its like to waiting for the phone to ring, and knowing inside that it never will. Do you know what its like to want to be with you because I still love you and I still cant stop thinking about you. Do you know what its like to not understand a situation that you cant fix and all you want is to fix it so you can go home? Do you know what its like to be so broken inside that all you do is cry? Do you know what its like for someone to be your everything and you are their nothing at all?

You know what. If you would call me, I would talk to you. I want to know that you are ok. I want you to tell me that maybe I will be ok. Because if you say it, maybe I can believe it again.

N