Cutting deep to ease this pain
fearing that I've gone insane.....
Bloody hands hide my face
awaiting deaths sweet embrace,
Locked away inside this room
anticipating certain doom.
Throbbing heart with a fainting sound
as warm red liquid hits the ground
Soaked in blood I begin to cry
releasing all my fears as I die.
My sight dims as my body turns cold
it is time to free my soul....
My spirit soars through the trees,
I've become the air you breath.
I'am everywhere I'am the breeze
I flow through you whispering.....
Forgive me PLEASE.
GOT STUCK RIGHT ABOUT HERE
A contest entry
- Anything to do with self inflicted harm by emo-intentions.
300 points, ended March 19, 2008, 13 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Dark Lullabys by Redrusty66.
390 points, ended March 15, 2008, 16 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Kind of still working this one out not too sure about that last 5 lines pls give me your imput
Comments
1 - 5 of 5
-
Nicely done, as you say it is unfinished. Great use of imagery to strike home the dark matter.
-
I like this. It's alittle dark but has a lot of impact.
Suggestions:
2nd line: try the contraction "I've" for "I have"
last line: consider omitting "my" the rythmn works better and I beleive from the previous lines we're talking about your doom but eliminating "my" gives y the poem other possible levels>
Nice job,
Jim
-
-
ty ty ty you are so right about the last line.
-
-
yw yw yw
-
-
I added a few lines and Im not too confident in them pls let me know what you think. I kind of think I was rushing myself to finish. I had no idea where I wanted this to go.
-
-
-
Adding your comment:
1 - 5 of 5
