Dressed in my funeral best
I’m sent to the cutting floor.
Alongside the orangish glow of the furnace
my sensibilities are lost
my freedoms are taken
and my lifeblood washed away.
In this cool sterile place
I am prepared
for the swaggering glorification
that everyone deems so important.
Yet I am lost
me who was me
separated from all my self worth
remaining only a pretty trophy
to be gazed upon in sorrow.
Author notes
--Howlinginpain
A contest entry
- Poets Survivor 3 - Preliminary Round #1 - Invite Only by Ryno.
625 points, ended February 22, 2008, 20 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Anything Free Verse by Blooming Poet.
300 points, ended March 5, 2008, 24 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - PRE-WRITES! ROUNDS CONTEST!!! by Luminescence.
525 points, ended March 23, 2008, 176 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
What does it mean to you?
Comments
1 - 13 of 13
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ahhh. that is scary and slightly creep.
*te-he*
But I like it
amazing even more every time I read it. -
Yes
Me who is me says this is good stuff!!! You have captured some morbid, but obvious truth, and quite creatively at that.
I might make one small suggestion, and this is mostly just a matter of preference. I think it is great when the speaker is removed from the poem, to the extent it is possible, and thus does not distract from the reader's perception. It lessens the limitation's of the reader's connection. I think in the case of this piece, which needs the speaker's "presence" that it would be awesome to remove all the "my"s and "I'm" in the first part and then really blow the reader away when you bring in that first person perspective in that third stanza. I believe it will provide a certain shock value that would be really cool--to find out that this place, this event is happening to the speaker, and not just some outsider looking in. Anyway... just a suggestion.
You did some really nice things with this prompt. I really like the sterile mood and feel. Cant wait to read more of your work!
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To be honest, when I saw your title, my first thought was, 'oh no! Not another emo piece of crap', but I found myself pleasantly surprised The whole thing was ver well-written, and the last stanza just knocked my socks off! Well done, and good luck to you!
Laura
xxx
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Well I'm glad I pleasantly suprised you. I hate that emo crap myself. Thank you very much for your comment, I appreciate it.
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*laughs to himself*
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Yes, excellent metaphor Bunny
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You're welcome hun
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Thank you Bunny.
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Yes
Another superb write. This metaphor can be taken as either a raw, emotion, idea or as more of a complex piece witch reflects on ourselves as people. We travel to the cutting floor in our lowest & wait for the moment in witch we figure our own selves out. Instead, it never comes.
My only tip would to be to work on your final line, I think you can phrase it more emotional & originally.
Excellent work, please await the other judges. Ryan. -
Nicely done. I enjoyed this.
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Yes
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Your words are strong, but I think adding line breaks would give this poem more punch. Good luck in this round. Peace, Liz
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Thank you for your comment and thanks for the tip. I actually took your advice and you're right, I like it better this way.
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