Ditch the ads, upload images and much more - upgrade today from 5.95/month!
Read • Contests • Groups • Learn • Forums • Store • Help
 

black and white

 

 

The sky was blank
like a stainless
sheet of paper
and the flowers
in bowls
lay to one side
with no water
or life
like the smile
of a man
who has it all.

The jazz stopped playing
and the water
flowing in-between
my fingers
became too warm
and i pulled back
watching
the water
circle down the drain
like a pleasant yawn.

Then everything
was quiet again.

Sometimes
excitement comes
from the most
unlikely places.

 

 

A contest entry

Close your eyes, imagine the scene.

    : , Your review:

    Comment Suggestion: What is your your first impression?
    • Line numbers  • Invite them to read
    : no Cost: 0 free left 0 points, You have (?)

Comments

1 - 16 of 16
  • lifeisaprison
    March 9, 2008
    Edit | Reply

    Good

    Your poem is very true, and it totally makes sense


  • April Renee
    March 9, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    very nice. have done something like that before. instead of pulling back when its warm, i just turn on the hot water and let it burn me before i realize..hey..its not cold.

    enjoyed the read. well done.

    blu


  • Out of Town Girl
    February 22, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    so peaceful; i liked how you use concrete images rather than feelings to express it. had a very sensory appeal.

  • Suzanne Dia
    February 18, 2008
    Edit | Reply


    Reminds me of when I do the dishes in the morning. I always have music playing, so I don't even think about the fact that I'm doing work, I just sing and work away ...at least til the music stops

    Love the smile simile up there, nice work.




  • JaycobKay
    February 16, 2008
    Edit | Reply
    That was beautiful.


  • acoustical
    February 15, 2008
    Edit | Reply
    ah, yes.

    sometimes you whisper inner thoughts and
    that's quite impressive.

  • circle-of-fire
    February 15, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    this really reminds me of the forest cafe for soem reason Just the first stanza


  • Never Fall in Love
    February 15, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    Finally
    I like this one because of your line breaks - and I dont think I need to comment on the content anymore... You always come up with something unthought of and make it tasty.

    like the smile
    of a man
    who has it all.

    I disagree, no person ever has it all. There is this one saying my mom told me when I was younger, and I stll remember it - only thing is that I wont put it up here for everyone to know

    I do think as well, that your last line needs a little bit more impact - but that's about all the criticism I can give..

    Never ♥

    • JaycobKay
      February 16, 2008

      Edit | Reply
      "like the smile
      of a man
      who has it all.

      I disagree, no person ever has it all."

      Exactly. "with no water or life" Like the smile of a man... who has it all.

  • vertigo beat
    February 15, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    -last stanza is good. i feel a little rewording may help. i think it's something to do with 'most unlikely places.' dunno.

    beautiful.


  • Death of the Author
    February 15, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    Ahh yes...wonderful...very good. Your imagery and metaphor is always top notch and never obvious, I really like the last stanza summing it up...I often find wonder or amazement in small things. Keep up the great work! x


  • layla.
    February 15, 2008
    Edit | Reply
    darn it! i got 6 i shall make it to 8 one fine day!

  • layla.
    February 15, 2008
    Edit | Reply
    true! this is the best i have read from you thus far! mark my words, everyone should like it too. oh by the kid, DO NOT dare change a word or line break. as i said it is INDEED the best i have read from you thus far[i think i will get 8 points for repeating that line... ahhahahhaa i have points!]

1 - 16 of 16