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Joining Two

uoy ees I dna rorrim siht ni kool I|I look in this mirror and I see you
syaw ynam os ni emas eht hcum oS|So much the same in so many ways
sdaeh ruo edisni thguoht sgnihT|Things thought inside our heads
deb ni elihw hcuot ew yaw ehT|The way we touch while in bed
sdik gnisiar no leef ew woH|How we feel on raising kids
em sa emas eht ees uoY|You see the same as me
ew rehtegot denioJ|Joined together we
eerf eb dluow|would be free
su dlof tsuJ|Just fold us
siht no|on this
dettod|dotted
enil|line
owt nehT|Then two
eno eb lliw|will be one
emit fo lla rof|for all of time

A contest entry

    : , Your review:

    Comment Suggestion: What is your your first impression?
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    : no Cost: 0 free left 0 points, You have (?)

Comments

1 - 15 of 15

  • Dark Otter
    March 28, 2008
    Edit | Reply

    I think

    This is the most creative piece that I have seen done in a long time. I envy you. "Nuff said."

  • piccola silver member
    March 21, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    concrete at its best here. I know the change of color was necessary to create the heart within but it really is hard on the eyes. Maybe if the outside text was white or something. Don't mind me ... I have seizures and some things just irritate them. Bright colors and strobe lights are 2.


    • garbait
      March 22, 2008
      Edit | Reply
      I changed the background a little and when I get time I'll make the blue darker.


  • Unsigned gold member
    March 20, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    ok firstly love the idea...very clever...however being me this really messed with my senses...I now have the beginnings of a headache.....lol.
    Not your fault.
    May be wrong but I see a dove here or a butterfly...I like the heart and the cup denoting water...this took real skill and dedication congratulations...lots for me to take in and proses. The light through the dotted line is good, like a torch held at the back of the paper...this is almost Tarot'ish....lol...new word. The way it can be read both ways inverted and right way up...now I really do have a headache.....ow! where are my glasses?

    Simon



  • Embossed
    March 17, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    I think fug-azi's right, but at the same time I really liked the visual. It did distract from the poem a bit, but it also fit the poem very well and so enhanced the experience. This is amazingly written.


  • Fug-azi
    March 17, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    Interesting form you have created here, took me a few seconds to work it out .. lol.

    I just wonder if the visual took over a little from the poem .. don't get me wrong the poem itself works fine, but would it stand up if the visual was taken away .. I did just that, pasted the poem onto a plain white background with black font and I have to say it came over a little "plain". Creating the look must have been pretty hard, but it would have been so much more if the poem was more metaphoric or abstract.

    So have a couple of clappies for the visual .. very well thought out.


  • Ale E
    March 14, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    Wow I really liked this...I think it was so great how this was presented. Very creative indeed. I like it alot.

    Thank you for entering my contest. I wish you the best of luck.

    ale xox


  • Amy Meneses
    March 14, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    this is amazing on the editing aspect, I really liked your effort to be different and unique. However, the poem without the editing is just average. The language is very colloquial and needs to be spiced up a bit. I know the formatting and everything else must have made word choice very tough but remember that extra stuff should help the poem, not hurt it. I think some richer and more unique language and metaphor would make the words be able to stand better alone which would make this perfect.

    • garbait
      March 14, 2008
      Edit | Reply
      I'll look it over and see what I can dowith it later.
      Don't ever be scared to tell me the truth of your feeling about my work.
      I WON'T BREAK!
      I do like honesty.


  • Delete this polease
    March 5, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    Oh wow. This tripped me out for a minute as I was confused. Its amazingly creative and all though the poem isn't my favorite the reason and meaning are what mean so much more. Its amazing.


  • foreverxnow
    March 1, 2008

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    oh WOW this is the coolest shape of a poem i have ever seen. i love the colors and shape [obviously] and congratst on winning silver!


    • garbait
      March 1, 2008
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      Thank you very much. Ya the colors are supposed to represent a boy and girl.


  • littleBritain
    February 15, 2008

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    This was spectacular!!! You cross over into the realm of concrete poetry, but it works perfectly fine here none the less!!! Brilliant

  • The Inc
    February 15, 2008

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    Phenomenal!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Need I say more?
    Can I do it any justice? What a very very
    unique and creative write of Love---true love.
    It is simply beautiful, elogant, and refined with
    poise. I've not seen anything like it. And
    that's really powerful. The added rhyme scheme
    just adds even more appeal and flow.

    Thank you so much for sharing this outstanding write!
    Please, keep penning!

    ~The INC."


  • candyhamilton
    February 15, 2008
    Edit | Reply
    oh i thuoght this was so sweet and nice and the layout was very creative - very nice1

1 - 15 of 15