Synonymous sky stashes
hidden delights, trembling...twinkling...
in sagacious emotions of chocolate ecstacy;
Lunar wax wanes in
vespers shadow as lips entwine
in tangerine madness,
transcending vapours
as love dies a thousand deaths,
and cadence belies a sated guise.
Soliloquy cries in spatial discrimination
of Cupids plight in a lost sepulchre,
mottling a tapestry of dawns trance
in Zephyrs raiment, tearing apart
yet languishing in cherry lips...
As lashes utter their transient lyrics;
and silence silences the babbling-bicker,
of staunch sepals of cotton-biting, hurting...
lovers in teary farewell;
As church-bell chimes societies reprise,
and ravens relish in two girls sacrifice....
Author notes
Prompt Picture by Kevlewis love is....
Esperanza is Spanish for 'Hope'.
In a list
A contest entry
- Poets Survivor 3 - Preliminary Round #1 - Invite Only by Ryno.
625 points, ended February 22, 2008, 20 entries
Honorable mention
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Pictures by xTomorrowx.
700 points, ended March 19, 2008, 11 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Comments
1 - 19 of 19
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Not bad ...
but you need to work on possessives. Here:
of Cupid's plight in a lost sepulchre,
mottling a tapestry of dawn's trance (notice the apostrophes)
and here:
As church-bell chimes society's reprise,
and ravens relish in two girls' sacrifice...
otherwise, you've done a good job with this. I'm impressed.
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I love the vocabulary utilized in this piece. The imagery is rich and the emotion is high. An excellent piece to be sure. Bravo!
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Great write, thank you for entering the contest. Good luck.
♥
whisper
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Great verbiage in these lines, liked the flow and the alliteration as well. Interesting picture prompt and interpretation of it you havewritten here.
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Very well crafted piece, and great use of vocabulary. Wondeful imagery and a much enjoyable read!
Love & Light
Debbera
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<--- I had to, just for ending.
Brilliant piece though
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It was not meant to be funny...darn, I must be bad at this
thx for the comment
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I did enjoy your poem... You have a wonderful vocab, and I'm sure you'll go far in the contest. Well done, and I wish you the best!
Laura
xxx
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this is brilliantly portrayed.
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yes
Well this is full of wonderful things. You have some really powerful descriptions, and some wonderfully contrived phrases. And the ending was quite a surprise! Well done. The best part is, when you go back and read the poem again after the ending, some of the phrases take on much more meaning than before. Excellent!
I might make a couple of suggestions about line breaks. To me, the word left at the end of the line is one you want the reader's mind to linger on during that small, but definite pause before she gets to the next line. As such, you should take that opportunity, to make sure the last word is a MEANING-PACKED word. It should be a noun, verb, adjective, adverb in almost every case, unless it ends the complete phrase, or you have some very specific reason to write otherwise. Less important "non-meaning words" such as prepositions and pronouns, conjunctions, etc. should very rarely come at the end of a line break. In most of your poem, you did a fantastic job with this, but I would suggest that lines 1 and 4 end with "stashes" and "wanes" (two wonderfully chosen words) rather than the less impactful words, "its" and "in." You don't want to miss any little opportunity to affect your reader.
You have some really incredible word choices and combinations. Very creative stuff! I did think on occasion, that some phrases were perhaps a little indulgent. What I mean by that is that, while they were excellently imagined thoughts, they didn't seem to add anything more than just a "wow factor" to the piece--as if they were included just because it sounded really interesting or creative (which of course they DID, lol). But, they didn't necessarily add to an overall, UNIFIED feel to the piece.
Anyway, it was a really nice write and shows your great talent! Enjoyed it very much. -
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First of all thanks for taking the time for this constructive critique
I totally agree with getting rid of the its in 1st line and have adjusted that and will keep that in mind in my future endavours, however 'in' I guess is required as otherwise it takes out the fluidity and meaning of the 5th line.
As I said, I wove in nature to the write so I wanted to create a sense of love within disrupted nature thanks to socities disapproval of female love, how far I succeeded is upto the reader to decide.Thanks again
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Ah, I see what you have done now! "wanes in" goes together. Without any end punctuation or spacing after the complete thought, "lunar wax wanes in" I assumed that the phrase continued right on into the next word "vespers." So I read "lunar wax wanes in vesper's shadow" as the complete phrase.
And you HAVE succeeded! All the best to you.
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I usually don't like titles with the word "love" in it because I immediately think "I hope this isn't cliche", but I have to say, I did like your title. I love the word choice here; it gives your poem a unique style. It's good to see you've started writing free verse, because...just like I knew you could be...you are very good at it. Best of luck to you.
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yes, stunning piece with excellent verbiage, amazing imagery and description, I loved this one. Good Luck, Bunny
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Yes
Stunning piece, some of your descriptive imagery is superb. I especially liked "chocolate ecstacy". I found some of the more bulky words more fitting then in the last write, as the made the emotion stronger. Nice take on the prompt.
Please await the other judges. Ryan. -
Yes
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You do have quite a talent. This was amazing and intense... and I loved the surprise ending! Very intelligeent write... I believe you are gifted!
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Beautifully done. I'm sure you'll do well with this.
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Perfect title to a perfect poem. Your vocabulary is excellent to the point of uncomprehendable..lol, but not taking anything away from it. It is indeed very beautifully written! You have just grown better Mark! Luv and cheers, shuvi
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