engraved in this
ethereal shell
my loss returns
to haunt my silent
watch of the
present day
lucidity shattered
i stumble in the
presence of the
immortals greedily
consoling her every
bitter tear
blending with walking
shadows, i stalk the
room we once shared
watching the other sleep
her sullen perfume thick
in the mourning air
and await her arrival when
the nocturne has quieted
and my detractors gone
and in she wanders
the mask of wine smothering
her eyes, the look of wonder
they once held
when she said my name
and calming her cheery stride
to a mellow, cold hobble
wrapped in sorrow’s black cloaks
ebony hair thick on her face
painted anguish smeared in graven lines
and in time, i leave her side
now chilled with every
fleeting caress of her cheek
i can no longer feel against
my death-frozen hand
the hours drift by, swells
in the quiet night as i
slowly evaporate to wisps
in the garden we planted
i hear her laconic whimpers
and a promise
to my horror
i'd set aside in memory
“I’ll join you soon…”
Author notes
Part I of the series: http://allpoetry.com/list/53035-When-the-Nocturne-Quiets
I've tweaked a few things and added some lines to try and enhance this a little. I could still definitely use some honest feedback, though, particularly any suggestions that could help make this better.
I first imagined this as something meant to be sung, though I'm not too sure now.
And in case you managed to catch it, yes, this was strongly influenced/inspired by Opeth's album My Arms, Your Hearse, particularly the songs "When" and "Credence". Though, I'd like to think the album and this poem are quite different, particularly towards the end.
Won gold in this contest: http://allpoetry.com/contest/2434165
Won gold in this contest: http://allpoetry.com/contest/2401279
Won silver in this contest: http://allpoetry.com/contest/2408751
Won silver in this contest: http://allpoetry.com/contest/2394309
In a list
- Favorites • next in list
- When the Nocturne Quiets • next in list
- Trophy-Winning Poems • next in list
Comments
1 - 76 of 76
-
my first impresion of this was that the use of 'I' and 'she' and 'her', etc. was a bit detracting. I've seen you use metaphors and synonyms to great advantage - perhaps find other indirect ways to say those words? examples:
"lucidity shattered
[stumbling] in the
presence of the
immortals greedily"
"fleeting caress of her cheek
[no longer felt] against"
and so on. not all of the instances need changing, just enough to break it up a bit.
not a big vampire fan myself but this was well-written and worth working on for the structure and skill in it if not for the subject matter. -
-
It's not a vampire poem.
-
-
lol! my bad
-
-
-
Deep
"wrapped in sorrow’s black cloaks
ebony hair thick on her face
painted anguish smeared in graven lines"
These lines stood out and I could see the image of many of my friends from the past. Brillant word usage, had to look up a bit of em to be honest ^~! I really like how the words kinda grab at cha pull you in and the computer screen turns into a gaping feeding blackish hole thing that sucks you in and doesn't let you go until finally your at the last line there and it's like...your breathless...
It's not an easy subject for me to grab hold of but you made it stand out and very bold and for that major props.
Yeah ya may hate me but eh I'm not the type to react cruelly..
-
I have no critique
only praise
Thank you for entering
~Pastel
-
I don't know what it is. I think because I think of line breaks as a pause rather than just there for formatting purposes. I still feel like you're cutting them off too soon. It messes with the flow of my reading. Still, the only thing bugging me.
Kay now I shall sing your praises. Before I could even understand what the poem was about I could tell that it was one to bring down the heart. You collect your words together so well. I'm envious.
My new favorite.
-
"i stalk the
room we once shared
watching the other sleep
her sullen perfume thick
in the mourning air"
With no punctuation, it's a little hard to understand how you went from "sleep" to "sullen perfume". I'm also not sure who "the other" is. Same thing goes for:
"when she said my name
and calming her cheery stride"
The lack of commas puts hitches in the poem because the reader reads it wrong the first time. I think that's the biggest problem.
That said, I really like the poem. The imagery is haunting and it was captivating from start to finish. Your word choice in general is splendid.
-
-
The lack of punctuation is intentional, as I rarely use it at the end of lines. Over time (i.e., the past year to 18 months), I've come to think that a line break provides enough of a pause that things like periods, commas, semi-colons, dashes, etc., aren't needed.
Thanks for the comment though; I always appreciate constructive criticism.
-
-
Wow...soft tears could easily follow your words....
It's like reading the passing away of my loved one and haunted by all the memories...
I'll join her soon....
I could read why it has won so many trophy's..
Great,
thnxs for showing me,
XXJeannette
-
haunting
-
This is a really amazing poem, and I really enjoyed reading it. The detailed description were amazing; it was sad and profound, and the small lines placed so delicately drags one back to Earth after being wrenched to unbelievable heights with your imagery.
Thank you so much for sharing this with us; and I am very sorry that whoever was judging those two contests you won silver in was a little bit, oh, out of their mind.Thank you again ^_^ -
wow, nice imagry. good job and good luck
-
Ethereal, the type of poetry that is easy to admire. Most would be lost in it. Two well deserved golds. A deserved silver. I'll have to read the gold, I don't expect it to be any more captivating. I wear damp pondweed on a pitted wrist.
-
this was an amazing write.
i got lost in your words-- in a good way.
thanks so much for entering & good luck -
congrats on the silver, well done!
-
this was interesting and well written. i liked the uniqueness of the undead and their heartbreak. you bring humanity to them, while others would concentrate on ther very things that make them undead. i loved this, thank you.
-
ah ha! I've succeeded in going backwards to the first one
this is VERY good....my fave in the series...it was actually quite interesting to progress last to first....
LOVED :"mourning air'>>>nice play on words and double meaning
a brilliant series, to be sure!!
~~
~Sailor Ptolema
-
Wow! Beautiful!
-
Very nice dark imagery. It created a wonderfully Ethreal atmosphere. The flow and construction was spot on. You managed to bring across a mood that chilled and thrilled at the same time. hanks for the great read.
-
Thank you for the entry. It an interesting and enjoyable write... I like the eery feeling it had. One thing though, can you please go back and read the rules, thankyou.
Good luck!
'Wolf
-
-
I did; check the author notes again.
-
-
yep indeed you did, sorry about that.
-
-
It's cool.
-
-
-
-
It was full of feeling, and Ive learnt lots of words that i had to look up!!!
i liked it alot especialy the images of shadows and the feeling of time passing. -
I remember this one. I even remember leaving a comment on it. I think it's good for this contest.
-
-
Hmmm...I don't think you left a comment on this one. I know you said you read it when you commented on its sequel, but not this one.
Thank you, though. I don't know why, but I find what it's about terribly inspiring. -
-
lol You would.
-
-
My fish is still alive. Shocking, ain't it?
-
-
Nah.... Somewhere under there, I know you care a lot about things and feel compassion for those whom reflect some of your traits of isolation or the cloak of loniliness. (which is a good thing)
-
-
True enough. It's raw to the touch.
-
-
-
-
-
-
I really enjoyed this. It paints a vivid, but abstracted, image in the readers mind of the situation at hand. Its dreamlike and the structure of the poem as well as the word choice really adds to the effect. I think the last line doesn't even need to be there, really. Its great. Thank you for entering my contest and good luck.
animated
-
Really this is quite good. My only suggestion would be to place some more commas in between thoughts. It gets tiresome trying to read it all as one, continuous thought.
-
-
Thank you.
As for the bit about the commas, I don't blame you for thinking that. I generally avoid using end-line punctuation because I've come to think that each line break provides enough of a pause that commas, semi-colons, etc., aren't really necessary. But, it does get tricky to read, I know. So, thank you for your honesty.
-
-
i love this poem...It's amazin
-
A stunning piece, such a mix of emotions running through. You words created great visuals as I read. I like the dark undertones woven within, make a haunting read. Superbly penned
-
Wow, this was deep. Thanks for your entry and good luck
-
I agree I could hear this done by Nightwish, even Opeth at that; it is very sad and gave me chill bumps -- good luck and thank you for entering :]!!
-
I do definitely hear it being done as a song, by one of the really hardcore symphonic-metal bands like Nightwish, Within Temptation, or Epica... Something like that! I think what Spongy meant was that it was more sad than dark, though I don't think that the two have to be kept separate. I love it! Well done, and thanks for entering!
Laura xxx
-
-
Hmmm...I've not heard of Within Temptation or Epica. You say they're symphonic metal groups as well, right? I might have to check them out, then, simply because I love Nightwish.
Thank you for the silver. What I'm curious about, though, is whether there will be another round. So...will there?
-
-
Probably not... I think I'll just start the whole contest again, because I never had these kinds of issues with people last time. I just hope that they see it's a ROUNDS contest, and follow through.
-
-
-
A very, very lovely piece. The use of new twists on old cliches (such as "mourning air") is extremely clever and gives this piece great character. Also, the lack of separation by punctuation adds a flow not found in many other pieces. The imagery is lush and very fine, and the darkness and emotional content exquisite. This piece is very, very well done!
-
As a dark poem, I find this more of a lighter toned one, yet it still keeps in with the whole "dark" outlook. At first, I could not decided which person is ghostlike, since I felt one of them are dead and watching the other. I interpretated this as the man being dead, seeing the one he loves grieve for him and stumble apon her own life. This is capturing of a write. I think it would work best as a poem instead of a song, but if there was music to it, I might think differently. The only thing I would suggest is with this part:
"and in she wonders" / "and in time". You begin with "and in" as the beginning in two stanzas next to each other. I think it would be more effective if you used it for one of them and cut off "and" with the other. Personally, I think "and in time" would fit with "in she wonders" still great in appeal.
Other than that, kudos on a well written piece!
Thanks for entering DE II and good luck.
-
-
Your interpretation is spot-on.
As for whether it could be sung, when I first wrote this, I'd imagined it being sung similarily like this song by Opeth called "Credence":
http://media.putfile.com/Credence
It would have used a good cold tone like in that song.
As for the other bit, using "and" to help start two stanzas back to back, I noticed that when I first writing it, but wasn't sure if I really wanted to get rid of it for one of those stanzas. For some reason, I liked the way it sounded in my head, maybe because of the distant repetition. But, I can see your point as well. I'm undecided at the moment as to what I should do, but I'll ponder for a bit.
Thanks for the comment; good luck with the judging. -
-
Listening to the song and reading really helps enhance the poem, actually. I can feel how they can be combined, especially with the music's tone. It's more of a poetic song.. So I can see now how it can be both song and poem. Awesome.
Ahh, I see. -nods- Alright.
Thank you for your luck, and you're welcome.
-
-
-
Sad but moving
as far as I am concerned, its a lovely write. Sad and moving.I am no expert, and thus cannot fault it, and partically liked
"and in she wanders
the mask of wine smothering
her eyes, the look of wonder
they once held
when she said my name
and calming her cheery stride
to a mellow, cold hobble
wrapped in sorrow’s black cloaks
auburn hair thick on her face
painted anguish smeared in graven lines"
-
It ambivilently seems you went from plural to singular in lines 10-11. I know you didn't...but had to read it twice to realize...
It sounds sort of like you killed her, then said, "Oh shit...this is no good!"
I'll advised love tactic. Though sadly often tried.
Love is stupid. -
"and await her arrival when" in the third section, I think a word is missing...
auburn hair thick on her face
painted anguish smeared in graven lines- a bit awkward.
Other than that it's flawless.
-
-
Well, I will definitely admit that my writing tends to be a bit weird, mainly because I don't use punctuation at line endings. So, as a result, my grammar tends to be a bit odd. So, I can certainly understand why those sections might be awkward for you.
Think of the third stanza as reading like this:
"blending with walking
shadows, i stalk the
room we once shared
watching the other sleep,
her sullen perfume thick
in the mourning air,
and await her arrival when
the nocturne has quieted
and my detractors gone"
Doesn't seem much different, but I hope the commas I stuck at the end of the lines help clear up the meaning and flow a little for you. I prefer not to use much, if any, punctuation at the end of a line, simply because I think a line ending provides just enough of a pause that something like, say, a comma, is unnecessary.
As for the other part you mentioned, just imagine another comma at the end of "auburn hair thick on her face", and you get the pause I mentioned. Hope that helps.
-
-
I think it's a very good one. Not sure about the entire thing, there are some parts that are awkward...
-
-
Could you point out those parts to me? I really do enjoy honest feedback.
-
-
not bad
I liked the feel a little unsure of the flow but the imagery is quite excellent. put all together the underlying points is well defined and a sad tone that doesnt run over makes it a fair write to me. -
You are wrong
-
so many beautiful images in this poem, especially, for me, / the mask of wine/ and /slowly evaporate to wisps in the garden we once planted/ and /the look of wonder they once held when she said my name/. Your words work well to evoke a solemn sadness, a soft sorrow. /mourning air/ is clever and effective. overall a haunted work, other-wordly but tied to this plane. There is a rhythm to this that could be sung, but I'm not familiar with the music you quote. I do hear references to E A Poe, though.
-
"mourning air" is a nice play on words; overall a nice poem with spelling errors, mostly grammatical errors with apostrophes/capitals, but this is nit-picking. Not quite sure who has passed...but I like the idea of the dead not knowing they have passed, caught between worlds, and then the realization comes upon them. This theme appears in several of my songs, some of which you can hear at www.nakedadam.net
-
-
I would appreciate greatly if you would point out to me just what "spelling erros" and "grammatical errors" you feel are present.
Also, don't promote your stuff when commenting on mine.
Lastly, you misinterpreted the poem's overall theme; try reading it again and paying closer attention to what's written. Or not, it's up to you. -
-
First, "spelling erros" should be "spelling errors". Second, you asked for a critical review, but treat those who provide it with a rudeness that suggests a superiority complex and illusion of entitlement. You do not pay me for this service, and out of the goodness of my heart and in the spirit of artistic comraderie I tried to provide you with some valuable feedback that you have chosen to trample under hoof. "Cast not pearls before swine."
-
-
Also, don't you dare think I'm being rude when I stated very clearly that I don't want you promoting your own work when commenting on mine. It's a simple request and nothing more.
And lastly, like I said, you missed the entire point of the poem. Here, also, I was not being rude--I was pointing out a simple truth, because, as the author, I know what this poem is about, and you do not, as proven by your initial comment. -
I wasn't being rude. I will admit that, yes, I am blunt when asking about things I'd like to know about, but I am far from being impolite. I asked you to point out the spelling and grammatical errors you feel are present, yet you did not do so. That suggests to me that you feel you are too good to waste your time. If you're going to make a claim about a poem you've read, I'd suggest you be willing to back it up in the future.
I don't mind constructive criticism, so long as the commenter who made gave out the criticism is willing and able to back it up. You have not proven willing or able, so I don't take much stock in your comment. -
-
Half-Wit better than No-Wit
Your lack of knowledge is typical of your ilk, but I will still try to impart one pearl: it doesn't matter at all what the poet intends, it is what the poem says to the reader. Perhaps in time you will learn, but judging from our brief exchange, I doubt it. -
-
Once again, you avoided the original issue altogether and instead assume I'm basically an idiot. You've done a terrific job of deflecting your own inability to understand a simple request and instead going after me for trying to understand why you claimed there were spelling and grammatical errors in the first place. I can only conclude, then, that you pulled this claim out from thin air and so were incorrect in making it, especially since it's clear to me that there are no such errors in the piece.
And while perhaps in your world it doesn't matter what the poet says at all, but in mine, it matters a great deal; what's the point of reading a poem if you're only going understand what you want to understand, not what's actually there? -
-
Assumptions are made in the absense of evidence...this is not the case here. Oink.
-
-
Alright, so if your claims are based on actual evidence, please, by all means, point the errors out to me, because I have yet to find them.
If you can't back it up, don't make the statement. It's not that hard. -
-
The Writer Knows
Listen, the author of the commentary knows what he means, and since I wrote it, I know what it means and you don't. I can only tell you you don't understand my meaning and I do. You are wrong and I know you are wrong because I wrote the comment, and as the author, I know what it means. You are waaaay off base. If only you knew. If only you knew..... -
-
Now you're just writing comments completely unrelated to the topic at hand.
I'm well aware of what you think this piece is about. I'm telling you your interpretation is wrong based solely on what I know this poem is about. I did, after all, write it.
In any event, you still haven't pointed out any actual errors within this piece. I'm beginning to think you're simply stalling for time in an effort to cook one up somehow. -
-
Swyneizzle
The topic at hand is that YOU do not understand what MY commentary means, and I do, so nanny nanny boo boo. -
-
How very mature of you.
I understand very well what your commentary means. You said, and I quote, "overall a nice poem with spelling errors, mostly grammatical errors with apostrophes/capitals". Now, please, point those errors out to me. Otherwise, I ask that you retract your statement.
And for the record, my poems rarely use traditional capitalization; this is intentional and so is not an error.
I also understand what you think this poem is about. I'm just telling you, your interpretation is wrong. If you don't like being called out on it, too bad. -
-
CommaTose
Grammar is an English term referring to sentence structure, including capitalization, punctuation, etc. Your grammar sucks. You don't know that, and that's why it sucks. I'm not paid to edit your poem, and am not inclined to do so, and only pointed it out to you in an attempt to give you some meaningful feedback which is obviously beyond you. You don't at all understand my comment because YOU did not write it, I did, and therefore, only I can know the true meaning. You are waaaay off base. You just don't know. "Nice" for example, means "far from being even somewhat good" or "a frequently used word in allpoetry.com commentary when reviewers are too polite to use the word 'crappy'." -
-
Alright, this larger edit box is much better.
Anyway, I'm well aware of what "grammar" means. The grammar I use in my poetry is correct. It doesn't appear to be correct to you because I don't use end-of-line punctuation such as commas. Line breaks provide enough of a pause that things like commas, periods and semi-colons aren't needed. I will not deny that my grammar can be rather odd to read, but it is still correct.
I didn't ask you to edit my poem, I merely asked you to point out any errors you felt were present by providing examples. You have refused to do so and instead took my simple request as a trampling of your comment, when this is far from the case. I enjoy and always request meaningful feedback. Your feedback was not meaningful because you did not provide examples and evidence to back up your initial claims. You have continued to dodge my attempts to ask you to prove your claims by acting as if you're an intellectual superior to me.
"You don't at all understand my comment because YOU did not write it, I did, and therefore, only I can know the true meaning." -- So don't sit there and assume you know what my poem is about when you did not write it, especially since your interpretation was wrong in the first place.
Lastly, I'm a much harsher critic than you realize. And, unlike you, I provide examples to back up my claims when I feel something needs to be improved.
I've been polite this entire exchange despite your constant insults to my intellectual capabilities. Either contribute in a meaningful way by, say, providing examples of whatever "spelling" and "grammar errors" you feel are present, or don't reply. It's that simple. -
-
Mirror
My message you refer to was a mirror of your original postition, that being that the author knows what the poem means and the reader doesn't. I was trying to point this out to you by doing the same thing with my comment. You didn't get it. That's okay. Sorry for being rude. Aloha and Good Knight.
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
good lines:"and in she wanders
the mask of wine smothering
her eyes, the look of wonder
they once held" title=so-so 1st lines=good/interesting last lines=good space between:" i'd set aside in memory
“I’ll join you soon…” SHOULD BE SHIRTENED UP fleeting, calming, watching,smothering all 'IMPORTANT' VERBS ending in ING - why not try and use more active/direct verbs? ANYWAY good write thanks for allowing us to hear/see this 'nocturne' regards zaj [if you write 'i hear' what did we hear as readers? meaning what do you relate beside the plaintive promise at the end? no sounds in the rest of this poem]
-
Sdaly Beautiful
In life that love we cherish and in death the memories sweet but painful. How well you state thses emotions in this very exceptional piece of poetry.
-
I like the darkness of this work. The alleration in the verses works well. I have no idea of the bamds that you mention, but there is some lyrical qualities in your work.
-
I like it. It's a vary good poem, I especially like how it is quite yet it has a strong, bold, meaning. Keep writting.!
-
Liked the flow, the brevity of the lines in this poem. Have read others by a similar name, and thought this was a great write. Liked the alliteration in these verses as well. Even though I know not the bands of whic you speak, do like the lyrical qualities of this poem.
-
Oh. This is an interesting poem that you have written in here. It is very somber but you don't get to caught up in yourself and still remember to use lots of imagery. I really like the way this is written but I'm not sure why. lol I got a lot of different thoughts and feelings going through this but I think the sadness was the strongest one. I thought your last two lines were very striking.
-
Beautiful! I love the language.
Keep on writting!
Adding your comment:
1 - 76 of 76
