As I watched the girl cry,
I felt the agony of her
immortal spirit tremble,
underneath her dark, moth-eaten clothing.
As I stand and watch, she slowly crawls up
into a small ball and cries.
Then she died.
A contest entry
- Hit me with your best shot by De-Throned.
450 points, ended February 20, 2008, 33 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
What other techniques do you think that I should improve in writing?
Comments
-
Your fifth line is in the improper tense and is messing your poem up. I believe line 5 should be in past tense, "As I stood watching."
It sounds like a tragic, if melodramatic event. -
This, i can tell, was a very thought out poem.. Great job. My favorite part was:
I felt the agony of her
immortal spirit tremble,
underneath her dark, moth-eaten clothing.
In those couple of lines it had so much emotion. Great write. Thanks for entering this contest.
De-Throned
Adding your comment:
