Don't wake me up
I will not step into the rain
No shirt on my back
Nor a feeling of shame
Do not wake me up
At a quarter to one
When I am sleeping
And you are having fun
I know I have whispered
Words you do not hear
Fateful things of happenstance
When I wish you would draw near
Alas, maybies fly like meadowlarks
Soaring in the breeze
While thoughts of you go rushing through
Like wind among the trees
And of all the moments
I have had with you
There are some that last forever
Even if you never do
So, wake me up another time
Right now, I desire only sleep
I have work while you play tonight
You drink as I count sheep
Softly sing a lullaby
In your one last moment with me
I'll drift away into dreams of you
And forget you were ever in my reality
Author notes
"To realize you are a dream figure in someone else's dream- that is self-awareness."
-Unknown
&
"Life itself is only a vision, a dream. Nothing exists, save empty space, and you; and you, are but a thought."
- The Adventures of Mark Twain
A contest entry
- Life. by Puking Faerie Dust.
1275 points, ended March 12, 2008, 20 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Give me a critical thought.
Comments
1 - 6 of 6
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I like this very much. The emotional tug of war that relationships can create. I thought your poem fit the quotes, especially the first one, very well. My only suggestion would be that if you feel like revising this, to consider making the line length more consistent.
For example in the last line: And forget you were ever in my reality...I think would work just as well without the words "ever in" and the syllable count would be closer to the previous line.
I'll drift away into dreams of you
And forget you were my reality
But, of course, just a suggestion. Do as you like.
Lovely poem. Keep writing.
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I will definitely take your advice and ponder what things to update and redo. Thanks for the feedback- I appreciate it greatly. It never hurts to have some help.
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This was interesting. There were a few spots in which the flow was a bit choppy and off, mainly from some of your lines being longer than the last. The rhyming was done well, though most of it was pedestrian. A good take on the prompt, although I don't quite think the quote focused primarily on dreaming.
Thank you for entering, and good luck
Jeanette*~ -
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Thanks for the chance to enter and the great feedback. I also felt that my poem was a bit pressed by the theme, but I was trying to get across the point that maybe you could make your dreams into your life by forgetting reality. I hoped to portray this message, but I am sure that the rhyme does seem a bit forced, rather. Thanks again, and I will see how well this does in your contest. Cheers.
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L13-16, I like these lines they work very well to broaden the perspective of the poem. They work well with L26-28, the idea of drifting into dreams of something you're escaping in reality closes the poem perfectly.
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Thank you much for the comment. I really tried for each line to interact and lead to the next. I hope it flowed well and you could relate. Glad you enjoyed reading, Cheers.
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