A candied necklace of topaz lights
Hanging, like Christmas ornaments,
Above the bustling, crosswalk throng
And veins of golden and silvered traffic
A sketch of me, smeared and elevated
In the cold, fingerprinted glass.
Silhouettes gracefully fall
Pliant and bending to carved niches
Obscuring the charcoal outline
Of beauty mended into darkness
Drawing the heartache spectrum
Of the closeness between the dark
And stenciled, abstract beauty
Outside a bus-window looking glass.
A coffee stain upon my memory
Given the pencil and paints
To draw and form the parts unseen
And the parts not remembered
And to sketch further outside the lines
And blatantly depict moments thought
But never shared.
A contest entry
- Give me your best by xorandomxo.
600 points, ended March 29, 2008, 33 entries
Gold trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Please tell me what you think
Comments
1 - 6 of 6
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A candied necklace of topaz lights, I like that..
clever image. good imagery too in the cold, fingerprinted glass. Silhouettes gracefully fall...
very lovely....oh..that was really nice..a coffee
stain upon my memory, to draw and form the parts unseen
and the parts not remembered...wicked that was!
and blatantly depic moments thought
but never shared.
The anguish of looking outside in...yearnings.
I really enjoyed this poem!
ears2hearyou
Kathleen/Seattle
I liked the structure of the poem too, it kept the
thoughts flowing deep and dark.
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Thanks, I'm glad you liked it. Thanks for taking the time to critique with depth.
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Good thou art.
But I will kiss my foot if you are a highschool student, taught enough brilliant ones to recognize the differentiation of phrasing. But you are talented, intolerant, vain, using the word -and-overly much, bless you no matter your attitude, bless you and may the insoucient way in which you so carefully critique others develop into a true critique rather than a disdainful trashing for the sake of trashing. If you would like a true critique of your work, I will with permission only. I edit for professors, so I would love to, but I also have honor and will not unless asked. You are above average, but could be great.
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I would love a true critique of my work. If it helps for you, I can also give you my MSN address. I take my writing seriously, I'm always looking for ways to improve. I just graduated highschool in June of 2007, never had many great english teachers. Only one in my Grade Twelve year.
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wow that was a great poem.
i loved:
A coffee stain upon my memory
Given the pencil and paints
To draw and form the parts unseen
And the parts not remembered
And to sketch further outside the lines
And blatantly depict moments thought
But never shared.
thanks for entering.
good luck.
unbreakable♥ -
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Thanks, I'm glad you liked this. I wrote it in my head on a bus ride home.
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