Onward marched the army without end
No force can stand against its steady might
Whatever man may start to comprehend
This army always stretches out of sight
Behind the wheels that mark the way it passed
The eyes of men continue not to see
The battle is not lost until at last
There's nothing left for man to try to be
Each soldier as he passes has a name
He marks the steady passing of a life
The battle weary seconds aren't to blame
For leaving us to wallow in their strife
The time is marching all the while we live
Please use those seconds learning how to give.
In a list
Please tell me what you think
Comments
1 - 15 of 15
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This is very good. The last line brought this whole piece together. I had an image of armies marching to their eventual deaths.
It's amazing how many different types of sonnets there are.Well done.
. Rewarded 4
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I do not believe time is linear, as you state in this wonderful sonnet, but I will not nit-pick you on that.
This is a wondeful image and well developed. You are fast becoming a full-fledged sonneteer! Well done.
. Rewarded 4
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I really like the flow to this piece... It was wonderful, as was your rhyming... It all seemed so perfect all together.
~wonderful write
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An excellent use of the sonnet form to get your point across, especially as sonnets are usually associated with love. Rhyme is spot on and the final couplet hits the reader with force.
An enjoyable read....
Love
Sue
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Beautifully Penned
What a beautiful sonnet you have composed with smooth balance. The read flowed out like sweet warm honey. Rhyming pattern was perfect. You talent is dynamic...write on.....novy
. Rewarded 4
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I like the rhythm, and the rhyme is natural, not forced. Nice!
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I would normally complain if the rhythm of a sonnet was as regular a tread as this (be warned
), but here I feel it is entirely appropriate, given that the impression you want to give is of an army marching, or indeed the ticking of an inexorable clock.
In my mind's ear I can hear this set to music by the late Donald Swann, rather as he composed the march of Tolkien's Ents, in his musical setting of "Lord of the Rings". (I can also hear Mussorgsky's "Bydlo", but no, too ponderous).
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I hope the first break in tick-tock boring as hell iambics is the first foot of the final line. I don't like sweet time though, any ideas? Didn't want to be boring and want to weaken the beat by using someing more than a filler, but not break it.
Next one I promise at least half a dozen substitutions
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"Sweet" is the unstressed half of "Sweet time", surely? If you want to substitute it (and I must say, that adjective is startling - is that a bad thing?) then there are scores of one-syllable adjectives to choose from.
{sipping my second cup of coffee since 4.30am} -
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yes, unstressed but only weakly. if I use a filler it is as abrupt as the other lines, I wanted to be more "time friendly" than what went before but sweet is overdoing it. so I need a fairly strongish sounding relatively neutral time applicable adjective and there aren't quite so many of them!
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Jeff, if you read some of my sonnets you may find comments from purists who say that "such-and-such a foot is not an iamb". That is because they are blind to the device of tempering the stresses, weakening and strengthening the stressed and unstressed syllables to make the pentameter ripple, rather than rising and falling like a jack-hammer. It's a valid device, but it does sail close to the windward of some jagged rocks...
Anyhow, you want something time-friendly, fairly strong, and neutral. Well crivvens - talk about narrowing the field! Why not do what John Cooper Clarke does - chew some gum for a couple of beats? LOL. Okay...
... I'll ask you this question, but don't look at your watch. "Jeff, what's the time?"
"The Time" - maybe you weren't looking for an adjective after all, but an article, suggesting a title. -
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Damn you!
Perfect and almost a Spondee.
No read well it IS a spondee.
I come to letting people read my poetry after reading others for thirty years before I considered the structure. When I first read about prosody I thought what a load of prats, there are so many nuances of stress, but it is a useful concept. As long as I remember that. And for being so clever I shall have to look for a nice dancy one To Marie
An nice dancey ode, for you, Mairi
With beats both in two, and three, Mairi
then spin you around, and around, and then lift you in the air....
How's that for a first stanza? -
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Don't worry, Jeff, you're still never as presumptuous as me.
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Presumptuous.
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This is a wonderful piece. Deep thinking. The last lines struck me in the face.
"Sweet time is marching all the while we live
Please use those seconds learning how to give."
Time is indeed short, and we should always support one another, to assist, teach, love= give, whenever possible. This is a really great write. I loved it.
Love ya,
Passions
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