a dark palace with ivory floors
shock absorbers in the doors --
&& everything in her is screaming for those days
when she didn't need to run away.
shooting stars replace broken dreams she's just too afraid to chase down;
wish i may, wish i might,
have the wish i wish tonight --
but those wishes never come true and maybe secretly
that's what she wants.
and her empty room is filled with blue smoke
to match the bruises fading into her skin
oh, she knows he's just mr. wrong
writing her a hollow love song --
&& it shouldn't, but his voice
echoes in her heart even when she wishes
she was dead
[a skeleton of broken bones & bruises,
who says she's not already?]
his empty smile and grey eyes
mirror the nighttime skies
that fade her stars from view --
the ones whispering to her to just
leave, leave, leave
this broken home for good
[but she's just oh-so-tragically-in-love
and she just can't can't can't let go of the dream]
but midnight comes and goes
&& she's wishing on the stars she hopes are there,
sitting pretty behind the clouds
[glimmering, twinkling with glittery dreams]
because maybe one day the moon will show
and her wish will be written in the sky --
there will be a road to leave this tragic mess
'cause she's drowning in the tears she's trying to suppress.
Author notes
this is not very good :/
deadpixie020
option two
the car crash victim lives a car crash life
A contest entry
- Toxic Rainbow Kisses-♥- by incondite.
300 points, ended February 20, 2008, 5 entries
Gold trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Whatever you want to say. Critiques, anything. :)
Comments
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"and maybe secretly
that's what she wants." Re-wording that to make it sound more matter of fact with a little bit of a bite, might give you the effect you're looking for.
"echoes in her heart even when she wishes
she was dead." The ever lasting "with I was dead" =// Doll, use anything but the word "dead" because that word is so blank and worthless, it's lost what ever poetic flow it might have had.
"&& she's wishing on the stars she hopes are there"
Don't make US wish they were there- MAKe them be there, add more immagery!
but i love the ending and the beginning; the whole wish I may, wish i might.
♥
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thanks for the suggestions, I'll try to fix them
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OMGSH!!!! I love love love this!!!!
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