You are the cosmos in a rage,
calm just before the hurricane
finds its way through
our fragile lives.
You are the splitting of an atom,
seeking the deaths of all those
who choose to get in the way
of explosions in masterpiece.
You are the paint
splattered across my head,
running in rivulets
down the wrinkles of my brain.
You are the feelings that hide
surreptitiously behind my eyes,
and you fall into everything
that seems to go wrong with you.
You are the ending, the beginning,
the masterpiece in a bullet,
the rest of us just targets
for the sport locked in your memories.
Author notes
I know, not the best I've ever done, not even CLOSE. But I don't know, it's just something that I wrote, and it's about someone I'm rather close to, but I doubt anyone could tell [it's just a tad too cryptic, I think]. Anyways, tell me what you really think I could do to improve!
~Jess
Please tell me what you think
Comments
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um this is the first one i've read from you and i was amazed. you're style is epic so i cant wait to read more!
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Breathe Deep: Swirling Flecks Acryclic Touches All
Like the image of paint.
"mater" = "mother" in Latin. Or was this a spelling mistake? Or deliberate manglish for martyr peace? Or...
you fall into everything
that seems to go wrong with you.
- Doubtless too true, about "you", whomever that Tom Cat be.
You ask for "imporve " comment.
Hmm.
Run the images with continuity and a twisting. Which you sort of do already.
Hurricane. Eye of..
Atom. Splitting..
Paint. Blob of..
Feelings. Hidden..
In all..the cosmos (the Alpha & the Omega of the poem then).
Hmm.
"felt in running rivulets" would lead to feelings,
The "spotting of paint globs" back to the atom stanza.
And so on.
A more set line length and suitable rhythm pattern (even if cacophonous in its harmony) maight help the ... flow.
MA.
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I liked it... the only part thaqt sounded wierd to me was.. you are the paint splattered across my head, running in rivulets down the wrinkles in my head... its all good except it sounded strange having the word head that close together.. But thats just what i thought... The rest is amazing i expecially like the last stanza. Keep writing
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A touching piece. I liked the metaphors that you used in this, very creative. The ending is a little dark, but I like the creativity. Nice work.
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