It’s falling in whispers
like an old dandelion galaxy
finally drifting to earth
in the absence of gravity.
A cat shuffles his whiskers,
lifting blue eyes
and shifting from black
to gray and back again.
The flakes taste like silver
and cold skin as they
implode on my tongue
in reverse nebulation, shrinking
everything I know about you
into one small drop of
everything.
Author notes
It took a while, but this needed to be written...
A contest entry
- Outdoors. (pic inspired) by RainbowGirl257.
450 points, ended February 17, 2008, 11 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - A little something for those who have me on their favorites as of Feb. 29, 2008 by Dienush.
1100 points, ended March 15, 2008, 7 entries
Silver trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Speak your mind.
Comments
1 - 15 of 15
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Beautifully written. You included an amazing choice of words and wonderfully crafted images.
A real treat to read.
John
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This is positively stunning.
I want to tweak it a bit. Normally I will not "rewrite" a poem for critiquing purposes, but in this case there are just some tiny things I want to show you, and I promise I will have earned my points:
It falls in whispers,
like an old dandelion galaxy
drifting to earth
in the absence of gravity.
a cat shuffles his whiskers,
lifts blue eyes
and shifts from black
to gray
and back again.
The flakes taste like silver,
cold skin as they
implode on my tongue
in reverse nebulation, shrinking
everything I know about you
into one small drop
of everything.
Okay, so what I did.
The placement of words on the page, you can do that or not. It's a thing called projective verse and I think it works exceptionally well with this piece; if you don't agree, no hard feelings, and same if you simply don't like what I did to it. I just wanted you to see what I saw in the poem.
I read it aloud, and I clipped a few words here and there because as I was reading there were some spots where it kept better rhythm without them, or with shortened versions. Also, it is generally better to use a plain present-tense verb instead of a participle (-ing word) because it subconsciously keeps the reader closer to the action.
Some of these comments left before mine make me twitch, because they didn't do much justice to how gorgeous this piece is (as it stands, without what I would do to it, I mean). There is so much in it, so richly composed. Excellent work.
Edit: apparently comment fields don't save indentations, so where I copied your poem over it looks like it is all left-aligned. I suppose if you really are interested later I can post it as a new piece just so you can see it.
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First of all, thank you so much for taking the time to offer honest opinions and suggestions!
Not enough people do that these days. I see where most of your changes are coming from (even though I can't see the indents...*shrugs*), and some of them I agree with and some of them I don't, but at that point it's just personal opinion. When I finally get around to rewriting this, I will definitely be revisiting your comments! Secondly, I am very glad you enjoyed this piece - it's a bit personal to me, and I am very proud of the way it turned out! Thanks for stopping by! 
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It was pretty good. The setting was nice. Sounds like a nice peaceful snow watch.
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Very cleverly written
this conveyed so much 'falling in whispers' and the reference to the dandelion galaxy, like dandelion clock being blown, was brilliant, I could almost feel and taste the flakes, coming down into one explosive flavour, loved it, Lib x
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Ok, you are the second person to mention "dandelion clocks" and I am confused...where is that coming from? *laughs* Glad you liked it though. Thanks!
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Wow. The imagery in this is beautiful... concrete but in a way other-worldly. And the ending brings a lovely personal touch to it, too. I really, really like how you wrote this, and how you leave the emotion for the reader to feel, and yet there is something very intense here. Love the way you turn nature into something personal. Beautiful writing.
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one small drop of everything...I love the way your mind works. Well done as usual.
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wow, i love the simile you used! well done!
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Beautiful imagery, I like particularly the dandelion clocks. This poem runs along well, from snow to the cat watching, to the experience of taste, to the twist in the end. Very well done.
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Rich and Beautiful
The images are so rich and beautiful from the cat to the snow. One favorite line is "the flakes taste like silver and cold skin..."
So good! Glad you felt it needed to be written and that will be balanced its need to be read.
Tecohe
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Very good! I haven't looked at the contest it's for (good luck by the way) so I don't know what critiria you had to follow...but I like it. It's cold (maybe that's the point), and a bit rough for my tastes...I guess I'm used to things that are cut from a mold, I guess you could say. But I do like it.
Keep up the good work
xx
V/E
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Very, VERY good! There is little to criticize here. This is, quite simply, one of those few, compact poems in which one finds a writer who knows how to use precisely every aptly descriptive word. GREAT JOB!
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I could almost feel the snow on my face as I rad this. You did an excellent job here. My favorite part is:
"It’s falling in whispers
like an old dandelion galaxy
finally drifting to earth
in the absence of gravity."
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Oh, those closing lines are just great and add such a twist to this poem! Your words seems to trickle down the page and then ... the twist at the end. Very nicely done, my friend. I loved these lines too "like an old dandelion galaxy" - that is a wonderful visual and even though it's summer here and snow is so far from my mind (lol, we don't even get snow here - only on the mountains) I could see it. Great progression here from start to finish. I liked this one!!
~ Nicolette
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