Sailing into the moonset sky with cold against my brow
I watch the fog roll in around and consume the weathered bow
I feel the wind against my neck and the rain upon the rails
And in the frost I hear the storm that thunders through the sails
The lightning strikes and rips the sky as waves crash on the frame
I fight the wind and thunder still and soar with hopes aflame
The blinding rain and piercing wind attack me at the steer
And though I trudge still through storm the shore does not appear
The ship is thrown and tossed about at the mercy of the swell
I hear the snapping of the mast and cracking of the shell
The thunder screams its stormy call and the waves rise on command
And raging sea, with all her might, breaks us in her hand
The fog soon lifts and the sun comes out warming up the deep
As the waves grow low and tired and then settle to their sleep
The wind dies down and the thunder stops as the clouds now drift away
And I watch my piece of ship roll on from skies that once were gray
Author notes
Brandon Ashley
A contest entry
- Nature by Random Goldfish.
500 points, ended February 17, 2008, 12 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - ~ pre-writes ~ by LadyUnique.
300 points, ended May 8, 2008, 61 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Beautiful minds....please enter. by islekine.
760 points, ended January 11, 27 entries
Bronze trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Please tell me what you think
Comments
1 - 27 of 27
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one word: beautiful
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this is great! you have a powerful use of language in this, and all your other works that entertains my mind greatly! for as young as you are i believe in the writing department you will go very far...have you considered work in writing after school or is this just a hobby?
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tHIS IS A DELICIOUSLY GOOD WRITE BRAVO MY FRIEND, N THANKS FOR YOUR HELPFUL COMMENTS ON MINE
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Just beautiful ...
and your poem swelled nostalgia in my brain, for I have been there and done that and when the day dawned it brought an untold ecstasy! Your poem described all to a tee! j
y
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Very beautiful writing, even if the scenario isn't so great.
Just on a strange note, I think for something as violent as a tempest, Trochaic meter would work well . . . perhaps I'm just nitpicking because you're actually able to write in iambic ( ) but it's something to think about.
Nevertheless, Well done! Good luck,
Zach
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I enjoy rhythmic writing (iambic meter here) especially when it matches the content of the poem. Within I saw some metaphors related to the storm, especially effective in the final two verses where it obliquely tells us the final end of ship, writer, and storm. I see talent at work here!
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i love this one!
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This write contains some vivid imagery.
Nicely expressed.
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good write
I love the poem you have shared it is too wordy as in first stanza leave out into and then leave out with. Second stanza leave out I and then leave out the word and more editing to be done. Message me. Brightest Blessings, you are a great writer. Hugs, Angellightwolf
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i see your age is fifteen... holy cow! you've got talent your rhyme is natural almost as if you think in rhyme
i have to add this to the finalist list and i wish you luck from there
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An excellent poem, very visual, the last verse was so calming after the storm. Well done, a pleasure to read.
(I don't have enough points to applaud!) -
Beautiful poem, I absolutely love it. The word choice and mood of the poem makes it great. It's such a descriptive poem you can see it unfolding as you read. You did an excellent job, I truly loved this poem. Thanks for sharing!
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Loved the way the tempo builds in this suggesting the tempest building around the ship. The rythmn and the meter suit the poem perfectly and it has great atmospheric tension
'The ship is thrown and tossed about at the mercy of the swell
I hear the snapping of the mast and cracking of the shell'
The final stanza alters course and immediately affects calm. Well done!
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Awesome
I love the harsh rhythm and rhyme in the first three stanzas, which highlights the reapeated inevitability of the waves crashing into and smashing the boat. The last stanza, with its longer syllables, means that even without thinking about the words it is obvious that the storm has ended. It took a couple of read throughs to understand the last line, but now I understand it, it works perfectly.
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This piece is amazingly descriptive. I thoroughly enjoyed this one. I would enjoy this as a trilogy. Can't wait to read more. I love how you made this about a boat in the sea, a wonderful take on the temper of the sea, and nature in general. This piece was an inspired and inspiring read. I really wish you the best of luck in writing the other two pieces! Well done, well done indeed!
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Liked the flow, rhythm and rhyme in these lines. Sometimes poem lend themselves to being part of a series. Wish you well in that endeavour.
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Beautiful!
This is an amazing and powerful peice of lititure you have here. Your immagry was spectacular. You're very tallented.
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Well....I am speechless! You're 15? This is not possible! This poem is absolutely incredible. I saw the whole scenario playing out in my mind, I could really envisage it. The sentences have perfect rhythm, and it all flows so wonderfully. Excellent, and GREAT imagination.
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Wonderful rhyme scheme, very natural. Flow is unforced and easy. Better still, you took me there. Nice.
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Great story and the rhyme scheme worked well. Just a couple suggestions: line 2 should be "roll" and the last line might read better as "were once gray". Nicely done! Good luck in the contest.
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wow.
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Hey, it's rhyme time! That's the best kind of poetry, but shh, don't tell anyone else.
I really love the imagery of this, beautiful piece.
Síochán leat
~Mairéad~
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Great poem! I really love imagery of the storm shown here, along with the rhyme. Good luck on the contest!
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I don't think that you should make any longer because it just might take away from the charm, but that's just my opinion on that. I think that this poem was really great, and I loved the imagery in it. :] Good luck in your contest!
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awesome!
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i love that! the imagery is amazing, i would really like to draw what you described
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Okay, I really like your mad rhyming skills! It seems very natural and not forced at all. I like how you paint the picture, like an artist with a blank canvas. I can see your scene in my minds eye. My favorite part is the last stanza where the storm breaks. Very nice! I like it...a worthy entry. Thanks for sharing and good luck!
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