to mine eye i see
a man with great enough heart to love me
though i blunder through this love like a boar through trees
beside me through my errors he be
naught hath Cupid's arrow bury as deep as this
the shot, veiled by sorrow's mist
as Love's potent poison flows through mine veins
i pray thee Love poison me again
the pain of Love's sweet kiss
once summoned shall a soul miss
hours seem like days
our meeting lifetimes away
slain by your love like poison from a lock
crumbling my heart of solid rock
tears from a dove
pour from above
my soul you keep
till death doth come to reap
so gentle love remember you this
by your side shall i always sit
A contest entry
- Calling ALL Poets! ~ A Poetry Extraveganza by Shassidy.
475 points, ended July 18, 2008, 84 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
what do you think?
Comments
1 - 6 of 6
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This is a great piece! I really like the rhyming and the language in this. Although I don't particularly like Shakespearean language, this is one of the few things I have read in which the fact that it is in Shakespearean makes it stronger and more powerful. There are a few lines where the flow is off (like lines 3 and 18) and the last two lines would be stronger if the rhyming there was better, but that's all I saw that could use work. As far as my favorite part, I'd have to say that it's lines 7-10 because those are the lines that I relate to the most and they have really wonderful and powerful language. As far as the title goes, it fits the ideas of the poem well, but it could be a bit more inventive. Overall, great job and good luck in the contest!
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Blissfully Penned
this poem is so full of bliss and I really love how you opened your heart up and just let it all coming out the rhtme to your poemw as quite impressive & I just really liked the way you did this,. any ways excellent work all round & just keep up the great work
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wow i love how you phrased this poem. keep up the good work.
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mint poem
wow really good piece. well done x x -
I have no way to edit that...this poem was amazing....It really says how you feel...and I enjoyed the ryming scheme...that was just an AWESOME poem!!!!
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Damn, lil one. This is some good stuff! I really like how you tried to go for the old english style or speaking, mixed with a bit of yoda. Well done!
I do kinda have something, 5th line, you said "Naught hath Cupid's arrow bury as deep as this". When you said something along the lines of "never has cupid's arrow buried itself this deep", it seems like you need to change either "naught" or the verb tense of "bury", because that is the only line that sounds funky
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