-Her point-
I am crushed and obvious.
I wonder if we will ever make a move.
I hear my voice start to tremble.
I see your dimples start to appear.
I want you to ask me already.
I am too scared and unpatient.
I pretend I have enough courage.
I feel my face start to burn.
I touch your arm and you lean into me but pull back.
I worry that this will never go farther.
I cry to know that its all my fault.
I am nervous and uptight.
I understand that you are scared too.
I say "Will you go...".
I dream that I could finish my sentence.
I try to spit out the words...go out with me.
But they wont get out of my mouth.
I repeat "Will you go...get me some water?"
I tried and failed.
I will move on somehow.
I am crushed and obvious.
-His point-
I am stupid and too late.
I wonder when will be the right time to ask.
I hear her sincere voice telling me to turn around.
I see her face start to flush.
I want to just tell her I might love her.
I am a determined but a coward.
I pretend that she will ask me.
I feel the warmth of her hand on my arm.
I touch her knees and pull back.
I worry I will always be this way.
I cry cause I know I will never have enough courage.
I am scared and tense.
I understand that she feels the same way.
I say that she will be mine someday.
I dream she would say "go out with me."
I try to ask her but its no use.
I start to breathe heavy hoping she will admit she loves me too.
As she finishes her sentence I exhale deeply.
"As you wish," I respond doubtfully.
She must love another.
I am stupid and too late.
Author notes
LauraLee Fennell.
Option 3.
A contest entry
- Options for the Heartbroken by ThatONEweirdChick.
625 points, ended March 9, 2008, 27 entries
Silver trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - the emotional rounds - 1 by Ryno.
400 points, ended December 26, 2008, 23 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Please tell me what you think
Comments
-
I didn't like the repetition of "I" in the piece. It made it feel really listy, like the whole poem was just a list of what was happening - which really affected your poetic tone in a negative way.
Also, I think this lacks powerful imagery and real, strong emotion - I just couldn't focus on the emotion or feel it because it was not written in a way that I could (it is usually done with imagery, phrasing, etc).
Thanks for the entry. -
OMFG! I LOVE THIS POEM!!!! i'm trying to convince twin to give you gold!!!! THIS IS MY LIFE STORY AND WHY I'M HELLA EMO RIGHT NOW! I CRIED WHEN I READ THIS AND WALKED AWAY FROM THE COMPUTER! I COULDN'T HANDLE IT! GAWD! this is exactly how i am feeling and how he is feeling! then he bought me a build a bear. now he walks me to class and we still dont go out! stupid boy! then he had the nerve to say he loves me!!! GAWD! well you're gonna get something for this if i have to kill twin! lol
NineTailedFox -
OMG. Doubt is one of the worst things every thought of in the world. It just makes me mad to think about how many wonderful relationships have never happened because one or both parties were too afraid to show their feelings for the other. Wonderfully expressed here. Nice write!
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