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tiger snake

tiger snake
on the path to the waterfall
falling branch

or:


tiger snake
on the waterfall path
a falling branch



or:

tiger snake
on the pathway
falling branch


A contest entry

oh i'm not sure which version is best. any suggestions?

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Comments

1 - 10 of 10

  • Sai Babas Lotus
    February 13, 2008

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    tiger snake
    on the waterfall path
    a falling branch

    Hi Myron - This one is my favourite! Love the imagery and the choice of words. Nicely laid out too with L2 being the longest. Thanks for enlightening me on the tiger snake. I really like learning about snakes since I'm making a painting on cloth about our God Shiva who wears them around his neck! Congrats on the Bronze!

    Charishma

  • jodygirl
    February 12, 2008

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    Hi Myron; Congratulations on your bronze. You certainly deserved it with all the changes you thought you might make. However, even though the end is here, I have one more you might consider;

    tiger snake
    near the waterfall path
    on a fallen branch

    Always a difference of opinion isn't there? Sorry about that. Just had to put in my two cents worth. But then, it's good just the way it was, so disregard these optional words.
    Joan


  • grannyeri gold member
    February 11, 2008

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    Whichever took the bronze - nice write. Liked the contrast, just what haiku are supposed to do. Congratulations.


  • sandgoddess
    February 11, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    beautiful haiku. I myself like the waterfall - it helps paint a rich image and ads to the nature atmosphere.

    rachel


  • Emerald13
    February 11, 2008

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    not sure you need a waterfall ... I KNOW its the moment of enjoying and it adds context .. but ..

    tiger snake
    on the pathway
    falling branch


    ?

    or fallen ?

    just musing ... >>> Gina


    • myron silver member
      February 11, 2008
      Edit | Reply

      good idea

      thanks Gina - that's a very good idea. now i'm unsure about which version i like best. hmmmnnn...i like theis kind of confusion though - it's the little detail in haiku that matters most.


  • azure85 gold member
    February 10, 2008

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    tiger snake
    on the path to a waterfall
    falling branch

    This is good myron (since I see your handsome pic). Really good images in this haiku-I am thinking, should there be an article in L1 or 3, to make a fragment and phrase?

    tiger snake
    on path to the waterfall
    a falling branch

    Or something like that? I like the use of waterfall, it brings in the sense of sight and sound in the background. Is that a dangerous snake? It sounds like it! I hope you do not mind my suggestions, and I thank you so much!


    • myron silver member
      February 11, 2008
      Edit | Reply

      dangerous

      yes susie - it's a very dangerous snake, but only if you disturb it. if you leave it alone, it will leave you alone.

      i like your suggestions, and I thank you for them, but I think I like Gina's better. I hope that's ok.


  • gaze
    February 10, 2008

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    I like this haiku. It left me wondering if what was falling was just a branch or the snake itself.
    Well done Myron!
    Good luck with all you do,
    Mari


    • myron silver member
      February 10, 2008
      Edit | Reply

      wondering

      thank you very much, Mari. i'm pleased you like it and that you see more than one possibility in it.

1 - 10 of 10