weeding
the child hits a man
with a spade
Author notes
Critiques please.
A contest entry
- Weekend Haiku by azure85.
600 points, ended February 11, 2008, 19 entries
Silver trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Infinituple Haiku by Pollycheck.
600 points, ended April 10, 2008, 100 entries
Honorable mention
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Comments
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Reminds me of a poem in my contest that I just judged; it went on about the joys of children and gardening
Well done on your silver; very well deserved!
Claire x -
I could FEEL this one - Oh the joys of getting the young ones involved in chores.
Marlene -
Thank you for entering my haiku contest.
weeding
the child hits a man
with a spade
I really like this haiku. It has a great aha moment. You can be proud of this one. -
wonderful image here...lol..congrats on the silver...
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Thanks
Thanks for your good wishes. I'm glad the cut didn't scar as it hit me right above the top lip.
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Congrats on the Silver trophy! A very worthy haiku! Of course those of us with twisted minds could see an alternate piece of imagery, the aha moment being of a darker nature... BOO! hehe!
Seriously it was sweet!
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Twisted
Thank you very much!
I hadn't thought of the darker aspects of this haiku. But you're right, it's open-ended enough to have it perceived there.
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I read this one before and really thought I have left a comment here. Or I'm getting too old or I have that child's spade on my head...
A painful (for the man) but solid imagery you brought up with your haiku. Congratulations with the silver!!
Mari
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Mari
Thank you very much for your wonderful applause and good wishes. I appreciate them greatly.
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Oh yes! I know I've been doing this except that I've been digging out the ground to find my power cable since the 8th that is 400 metres long! We are without power since the 8th of Feb and it is horrible. I like your haiku because it captures a moment many can easily connect to. Thanks for sharing! Congrats on the Silver.
Charishma
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Power Cable
Oh, that sounds like hard work!
Thanks for your good wishes.
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Well done a worthy placement.
Katie
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placement
Thanks, Katie!!
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body language within becomes read
Instructional scenario
there's a shock but a humorous aha with a well what were you thinking... standing by the unskilled one; so close under advancing activity could be stifling one direction or other, as leaps to progress don't come by pushing pressing in --
my daughter read it to me, and it was a weave of eyes before she got to the end. She physically took her surprise to a comparison, fingernails at forehead enough. I perceived an avalanche of ingredients from more than pocket of focus, but pricelessness is learned.
you don't have to spin did I do a good job,
babies are my subject -
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Scenario
Thank you oh so much for your big response to my haiku. I thought the two of us were sharing a memorable moment but when her spade drew blood she ran away and cried. She's the daughter of friends of mine.
Nice to learn your daughter read this to you - how old is she?
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reality springs
ukelova what a pendulum of thoughts
oh how excruciatingly etched all around. we do want momentum that isn't so random...
yet congratulations on finding how fitting it was to put as a twist for a haiku, thoughtfully.
my involved girl is eleven,
babies are my subject ~
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Oh yes, got to love those kids helping weed - seems they get everything else but weds each time - lots of flowers or vegetables too. Congrats on the silver in this contest.
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Flowers
Yes, they do that too! Very good observations. Thanks for the good wishes.
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weeding
the child hits a man
with a spade
LOL And you revised with haikumonk's good advice, this is a true to life haiku that is well done. Thank you so much!
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Award
Thank you for the award; it makes me feel fortunate!
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I like this one too. when I was a child, I was digging a grave for my rabbit and my spade went right through the toe of my boots - oh so luckily not through my toes, as my boots were too big for me... children are definitely not so cautious or coordinated as adults!
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Boots
That's a great story! Have you written it into a poem?
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Yep.... it's a real one.
This actually happened to me when I was a very young child. I was helping the neighbor, as kids do, in shoveling some sand. I was small and tried to hard. The shovel swung too far over as I lifted and I hit the neighbor in the forehead with the end of the shovel. I felt so bad. He gave me a dime for helping and said I should go play. LOLL This scene is real... it's a solid image. I just wouldn't necessarily use the three dots in L1... I don't think you really need them. Up to you though.
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Thank You very Much
Thank you very much for your comments. I am so pleased that you liked it and that you think it's a real haiku!!! This is wonderful coming from you because you are such a highly acclaimed haiku poet.
I will get rid of the three dots, as you suggest.
I am very happy now, thank you.
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My pleasure... Have a great evening.
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