A tarnished hide
stretched tight upon a leaning frame
has long enveloped
my dwelling
surrounding me with familiar nets
filled with smells of ashen
existence.
Within this tent
I have seen the sunshine,
felt its heat,
and cherished its cooled departure.
I have supped with circumstance
and overcome his chiding.
I have birthed other mortal souls
and watched from portals wide
the dance of children’s laughter
upon the stale, evening air.
Here, I have been loved
and have yearned for that
which resides just outside the grasp
of Wisdom’s stern provision.
I have known the burn of candle
above a treasured page
when pensive pen borrowed passion
by the shadow of night’s flickering hope.
Within this tent
I have felt the breath of God
sweep fervently
through every opening,
calling to that spirit-portion
measured out
under ancient, leafy canopy
into Adam’s silent lips--
and singing still
throughout ages of ancestral exhale. . .
'til I,
in reunion’s recognition
remove these lesser stakes
and fold this fleshly canvas
deep into the earth,
forsaking temporary
for sturdy home's loftier
assurance.
In a list
A contest entry
- Any form, Any Style, Surprise Me! Prompt Inspiration! by Cupcrazy.
950 points, ended February 12, 2008, 17 entries
Silver trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Please tell me what you think
Comments
1 - 13 of 13
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love it love it
what a beautiful poem and perfectly true message about life and living temporary lifestyles. you couldn't have ended this better!!!
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I love the metaphor of the tent, Ten, this piece is deeply rendered with much forthought and reflection, a remenissance of sorts. Deep, heartfelt and well penned. thanks for sharing this
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amazing! well deserving of a trophy, for certain! sorry it took me so long to read... I can see why this piece was awarded silver! beautiful! reels the reader right in - I find the first stanza particularly poignant!
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congratulations on the silver for this truly inspiring poetic jewel ... your excellently chosen metaphor can be understood on different levels ... and even if for most readers "Forsaking temporary for sturdy home's loftier assurance" might inspire death of the physical body, it just joyfully reminded me of my daily "death" in meditation ...
thank you for sharing your amazing gift,
maa
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oh my...
this is one of the best and most creative metaphors I've ever been blessed to witness...and extended with stellar skill and grace!
congrats on the silver tin...
this is worthy indeed...and deserving of platinum in my eyes...
WOW...
you rock! LOL
Blessings! Tammy
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This is such a beautiful poem... I love the imagery throughout, and the telling of a tale but not quite far enough to loose the touch of poetry. Lines like "the dance of children’s laughter
upon the stale, evening air" are so delightful to read.
My one suggestion- I felt that your frequent use of the present perfect tense- that is "I have ___" detracts a little bit from the piece. It makes it feel like a list after you repeat it, so if you were going to edit I would consider rephrasing a couple of those to a different tense.
However, this piece was absolutely brilliant.
It seems like with all that experience and those beautiful moments that you would not want to leave a "tent" which has offered so much... Sorry for the long comment, I had a lot of thoughts
-eveline.
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Oh this is just brilliant hun. What superb phrasing in this. Your metaphors and imagery are truly stunning, as always.
The flow of the piece is soft and reflective.Just gorgeous. I aspire to write like you some day!
I just love these 2 lines for some reson. They are so beautifully woven, but then the whole piece is.
'I have supped with circumstance
and overcome his chiding.'
All the best in the contest
Gaylene
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This is excellent.
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This was a beautiful meditation on our earthly existance. You used alliteration with soft effect, never forcing the sounds. Your meaning was accessible and the language serene and inviting. While the first stanza provided a preview of your direction, I think its phrasing was the only awkward moment in this poem (enveloped long my dwelling). It sounded more "poem-y" than the rest of the verse. Good luck in this contest. Peace, Liz
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What a beautiful entry, the depth of emotion and metaphor is just wonderful. Your phrasing always has such spirituality and draws the reader into your thoughts. This had warmth, like a soft caress on the mind. absolutely wonderful, thanks for this fine entry. Hugs, Bunny
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Fabulous poem! The form and flow exquisite. The language incredible beautiful and the thoughts profound. I love the phrasing and way you put things. You have a way of saying things that lends depth to the understanding of the thoughts you express. Here you take the idea of tent and draw deep and meaningful metaphor from it.
I am really in awe of this piece.
Within this tent
I have felt the breath of God
sweep fervently
through every opening,
calling to that spirit-portion
measured out
under ancient, leafy canopy
into Adam’s silent lips--
and singing still
throughout ages of ancestral exhale. . .
Magnificent!
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excellent
Yet another example of your growing artistry. Your spirituual symbolism always strikes a chord with me its hopes of better possibilities through sacrifices as a tent is removed and resurrected in its place a sturdy home...excellent, worth its weight in gold..best of luck.
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The form of this poem is amazing and the imagery extremely deep and meaningful not to mention intersting.Great work!
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