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motherhood







I whistled-
perhaps a little
too loudly-
because I was
waiting on
you and didn't
know what to do
in the mean time.

I knew you
weren't coming
but I couldn't
keep running

and
the little man

kept saying
he was sure
you had killed
yourself.

I had no worries
and my vision
was blurry
because of
the war-sky
that tried at
my patience.

I told him
I didn't cry
and he offered
to buy me a
cigarette.

but i didn't
smoke and he
nearly choked
with amusement.

"I told you
so" he said

as the autopsy
bled into
your tie
that I would
always make
jokes about.

I didn't care
I'd swear to
the casket
as I forgot
about the

copper child
on my shoulders.























A contest entry

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Comments

1 - 6 of 6

  • cvillelisa
    February 22, 2008

    Edit | Reply

    I don't know.
    I think it is too long. or the format wrong. I don't care enough about what is going on until I get to about here:

    as the autopsy
    bled into
    your tie
    that I would
    always make
    jokes about.

    I didn't care
    I'd swear to
    the casket
    as I forgot
    about the

    copper child
    on my shoulders.


    It is reaching for something new and that I appreciate that but there are 11 "I"s in this small poem. And I'm wondering if that doesn't make the poem drag itself into a well-disguised diary entry.

    I to feel bothered by the "at" hanging there. But I'd give that up to dialect if the rest of the poem was written in dialect.


    The title is intriguing as an introduction and though I would like to dismiss this poem, it seems to bother me enough not to be able to do so.

    Thanks for your entry.

    Lisa




  • porksnorkel
    February 10, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    "mean time" is good, if intentional. and even if not really.

    some good rhymes

    I don't understand 'tried at my patience" Why the "at"?

    line breaks often seem random

    at times, seems annoyingly opaque on purpose


    • zillion
      February 11, 2008
      Edit | Reply
      "tried at my patience" is just one of those slang terms for 'getting on my nerves'. The breaks are just the end of the complete (and not so complete ) thoughts of the character. Thanks for the comment.


  • acoustical
    February 10, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    your poetry seems to start out innocent and carefree
    until then end when we realize there's something wrong.
    subtley.
    lately.
    i like it.

  • vertigo beat
    February 9, 2008
    Edit | Reply
    ending hit hard. very well done.

1 - 6 of 6