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Corpus Delicti

luminescence

gently filtering through pine

and creating golden majesty

not lost upon speculation of

                                        beauty.

one door opened

revealing charred forms

terror matching colors of sunset

wails reverberate in sight of

                                        holocaust.

our egress turns to ashes

leaving Earth with nothing but

                                           lament.









Author notes

rockerchkpoet

Trying to be original with my title choice... "Corpus Delici" is the object that a crime has been committed on.

Hope I've improved even more!

A contest entry

...

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    Comment Suggestion: What is your your first impression?
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Comments

1 - 8 of 8

  • Viva La Vie Boheme
    February 18, 2008

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    You're descriptive but not overly so, and that takes a lot. A lot of the stuff I read is good, but it's either too descriptive or there's no description, but you're pretty good. Love the graphology of this too though, and the vocab.

    (PS - if I can't transfer points, I'll give them to you in much-deserved clappies)


    • And Hyetal
      February 18, 2008
      Edit | Reply
      No! You don't have to give me points, even though I'm down to less than 100.


  • Exodus gold member
    February 11, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    You have certainly been improving each round.
    The choice of title was great, it's always wonderful to see people putting thought into it (though I know I'm guilty of chosing the first thing that comes to mind).
    That first stanza was beautiful. I think Heather had it right with the change of the last word to "lamentation", it reads better like that (to me at least).

    Good luck


  • Naridill gold member
    February 10, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    I like the word choice also
    The phrasing as well.
    The actual metaphors, a little far off.
    [suggestion try use either - alliteration, internal rhyme or some similes in next poem].

    Apart from that - I think the last word could perhaps drift more towards 'lamentation', just because I think at the end, a longer word would be more effective.


  • Tangled Angle
    February 9, 2008

    Edit | Reply

    8.3

    See, now these kind of authors notes are okay. I like how you explained the meaning of the title, which was interesting, rather than just explaining what your poem was suppose to mean like just about everyone else did.

    This is my favorite of yours so far in the competition. This reminds me of one of those profound wall-poems. Like, that are put on a poster in a classroom, or a doctor's office. I don't know, but I think you know what I'm saying.. i hope. lol It's simplistic, but in an artistic sense.

    I like this a lot. It's concise. It's well executed. It's overall a very solid, well developed poem.

    Score: 8.3

    • And Hyetal
      February 10, 2008

      Edit | Reply
      Thank you! Yeah, I know what you're saying but I don't know how to explain it, either.

      I remembered what the judges said before about "cliche word choice" so I tried to look up words that had anything to do with my idea. Thesarus.com is becoming my favorite site.


  • x-Black-Butterfly-x gold member
    February 9, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    what are you on about you crazy person what in the name is there to improve this is fantastic. well done


  • Darkrunn
    February 9, 2008
    Edit | Reply
    Improve? Improve on what? You're already great!

1 - 8 of 8