I came upon a castle once
Whilst walking on The Beach
Which moved as I approached
Just beyond my reach
A solitary shape
Shifting through the sand
Sifting 'tween my fingers
As I grasped out with my hand
I could see my own reflection
Embedded in the grain
As a million minute particles
Were all whispering my name
I came upon a castle once
Whilst walking on The Beach
Which moved as I approached
Just beyond my reach
As daylight dimmed to darkness
As dusk became the night
The voices grew in loudness
I began to lose my sight
I could hear the castle calling
I could feel a rising tide
A familiar stench of fear
As wave and wall collide
I came upon a castle once
Whose fate seemed set in motion
I could have sworn I heard a cry for help
As it returned unto the ocean
Suicidal tidal waves
The ebb and flow of depression
Author notes
Dedicated to a friend.
Never Be Forgotten.
Honestly, what do you think?
Comments
1 - 16 of 16
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Wow..
Excellent
Intruiging write you have penned
mystified and enthralled
Thanks for the share
Dakry
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If it's work in progress, it's very good, thought-provoking work in progress. Nice to see you here from time to time.
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hmmm great job can't wait to see the final copy send me the link when its finished
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Wow, that was superb!!
This is beautifully written. It really made my heart flutter for some reason. It's really special, and it displays just how brilliant, and talented you are. Take it easy, Jani
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Left wanting more!
Hi I really enjoyed reading this. It started out very powerfully, pulling you in with the rhythm of the tidal ebb and flow. I particularly like lines 8-11 "as a million minute particles were all whispering my name". However, lines 24-29 seemed a little out of sinc with the previous stanzas and I don't think you need line 29 at all as I feel your poem doesn't need an explanation. Line 26 would flow better with the same number of syllables as line 25, eg. "I'm sure I heard a cry for help". Also line 27 I think "unto" doesn't fit with the general phraseology and "to" does the job just as well. Please continue to write, I hope my comments have been useful!
I'm putting you on my favourites list. Swanridur x
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Creativity is Perfect
'As daylight dimmed to darkness
As dusk became the night
The voices grew in loudness
I began to lose my sight'
nicely blended these lines. Superbly written.
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yep emotionally devoted
to the saddness kept inside
anyway - the only request i have is adding an extra word to this line: "Just beyond my _______ reach"
feels like it needs an extra word.. infact i find i stop there and either add one or just stop there
otherwise LOVELY and but o'course i wish you would write some shakespear =D
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blast from the past...
...reminded me of Urban Species for some reason... going WAAAAAAY back
Love the transition in this, starts off almost romantically, lazy days on beaches 'n' stuff...then roundhouse kicks you in the nadgers with panic, desperation, hopelessness...
Intriguing, love it. Hope you're well bunny, miss you xxxxxxxxx
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this is really good, maybe you can tie in the end earlier on, if u get me. though I do like the way it suddenly comes together and makes sense with the last few lines.
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I love the imagery and rhyme scheme,keep on penning.
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This started out differently from what you had led us to expect. At first, the piece seems playful and magical then descends into a dark sort of feeling and the word "suicidal" comes up. Is the castle on the beach just a metaphor for a mood disorder, I wonder?
I don't like to question people's word choice but I'm wondering if you could find a more effective word for "stench".
One typo/spelling mistake -- "solitairy" should be "solitary"
I enjoyed this write and I agree it's a work in progress.
jjj
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Dan, this was not what I expected when I clicked on it, but there are echoes of your former material nevertheless - your strong sense of rhythm and your use of rhyme (Oh when are people going to realise that it's OK to rhyme poetry?). The work may be in progress, but I like it so far.
M
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Very Well Done
So imaginative, made me feel slightly uneasy, as depression does
Love Light and peace
Nansie -
Well done, poet. Wonderful imagery.
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honestly
the imaginatoin and captivating flow throughout this write is sickenly amazing...ive read alot about castles in poems, usually so cliched, but this was full of dark passion... props!!
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wowwwwwwwwww daniel I don't think I'm use to reading things like this from you. I love it!!! You've always had a way to flow! But this is very deep and the metaphors are wonderful! Well penned!!!
Peace and Love
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