I. Awake by Seven (Haiku. III & IV)
the shifting tide reigns,
this latest of multitudes,
beatitude's advance;
awake by seven,
we creep cool and benighted,
bold and curious;
II. A Delectable Epic in Gestures (Son. XVII)
o bliss, you dance so beautifully here,
with warm arms flung gleefully 'round my neck,
an avid world whirls in step without fear,
to bask in what only fervour injects,
recite soft the vows to which we're bound,
steal away my ears and hold all at bay,
for in such words i ecstatically drown,
we can ill-afford an eavesdrop this day,
goddess, wrap me up deep within this dance,
a delectable epic in gestures,
ever enthralled, i grasp hard at this chance,
trust in high hopes, see it never festers,
what's this? dare we plant a rapturous kiss?
for rapture awaits us indeed, o bliss;
III. A Brilliant Success (Prose)
no dismay for me. my world shines, lucid and concrete, and i tell you we weave its intricacies magnificently. it first came to me as mirthful tears strolled down my face, resting briefly on the corners of my mouth before being absently licked up. ah, that salty liquor! intoxicated, i was struck by epiphany: life. we'd shared it for years and would share it for years still. bare for all to see, we are indestructible. take notice and hold great expectations, friends, for they are the ones that will hold true as we bathe in the world who loves us.
IV. Beauty Beautified
starlet, sparkle,
i am yet to resist the allure,
of pouting lips and a batted eye,
or a voice soft enough to heal,
and to have all is to cherish all;
sparkle, starlet,
pale velvet beneath my fingertips,
warms in the waning light,
my chills vanish as we entwine,
and we are the ones who are beautiful;
V. The Best of Friends
pull up a chair, friend,
pour a glass and don't sip lightly,
enjoy me as we recline,
comfortably seated and inconspicuous -
we maintain our innocence;
etchings in ink run deep,
all crooked and incomplete,
so much unlike ourselves,
coalesced;
VI. Marriott
dizzying heights! and in such ridiculous luxury!
come, love, let us speak a while,
and pass vibrant hours doused in dim incandescence,
opulent and brave as we rejoice,
soar high over the masses, and see,
streets splashed orange with taxicabs,
the starlet becomes the beautiful woman,
alive and bustling, we make for the deep;
VII. The Doll in the Glass Case
ever afraid of the knot,
she inspects her enclosure,
desperate, distant and delirious,
she clambers for low ground,
feline, fearful -
forgets high hopes,
and buries the world in silence;
VIII. Dream of Waking (Prose)
i scarcely recall waking, and though it's a peculiar thing to imagine, i doubt whether i really did so. 'goodnight, darling', we'd said the last time i'd been awake. it didn't seem so long ago, but this new world was entirely alien, and entirely terrifying. i stood fast, my mind reeling, held in the sort of desperate panic which only comes over one when suddenly made aware that they are dying. the leaves still rustled for the wind, hurtling about the place without whim nor worry, their golden-brown forms catching my eye as they fluttered past. yet, for all their locomotion, they meandered about at the mercy of their surroundings, and it struck me on this day that i was much the same. 'good morning, darling', i'd said. perhaps i'd woken up after all. it strikes me dumb to this day that her response was 'goodbye, love.'
IX. The Rose in Drought (Son. XVI)
it makes no sense to the wilting flower,
as to why the rains abandon him so,
or why all he tastes is a startling sour,
he saunters, despondent, not to nor fro,
his petals fall cleanly to arid beds,
a flitter, a flutter, and all fall down,
cut free of the ever whimsical threads,
they danced amorous as if to confound,
he'd loved each petal, each intimate fold,
each blemish had lit up days all-austere,
they'd covered his thorns, made warmth in the cold,
their beauty alone was not the cost here,
for what, in this dry bed, could love the thorns,
if not the petals he'd once so adored?
X. Exodus (Haiku. V & VI)
these difficult paths,
wind to exodus' threshold,
i traverse, threadbare;
for ever after,
this wildflower cannot bloom,
shriveling facade;
Author notes
The story of 2007. Blissfully partnered with my best friend of half a decade, right up until collapse in January this year.
A contest entry
- LOOOOOOOOOOOOOOONG poems please by rebel lips.
450 points, ended June 8, 2008, 25 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Comments
1 - 16 of 16
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nice job... really freaking long tho lol ... good job in the contest
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First the obvious- there shouldn't be a semi-colon a the end of the last line. It is the end of the thought, the scene, the journey and it left me wondering if there was a line forgotten after that. I think the piece- specifically the prose- would benefit from proper capitalization. With the poetry sections, you can get away with it more, but as a reader, prose without capitalization just looks lazy.
I like the way this is broken up, but it took me a few reads to get there. That's not a bad thing. I think readers (self included) get lazy and it is only because of the ridiculous amount of lit classes that I understand the importance of re-reading things over and over to find the gems that are missed within the first read. I appreciate that this was written well enough to make the third, fourth, and fifth reads worth it.
What I'd like to see, what I think would help tie this together and make the journey more evident to the reader is a common metaphor through out. The last two section use a flower and I think that's the strongest and would make the most sense used through-out. It would mean some heavy revision and re-thinking, but if it took you a month to put this together, I think you'd be willing to do that.
My strongest suggestion is to tuck this away somewhere... and not look at it for a month. I don't know how you write poetry- if it's on paper first, or strictly here... but revision, especially with something that is so personal, is difficult. I think you should hide this away and come back to it after you've written different pieces. Come back to the piece with a different (fresh) perspective. Read it out loud, think about the common theme in each section (because it's there) and figure out how to entwine each section in a stronger way.
This is a good piece, but it's not quite there yet. When you revise it, let me know and I'll come back and look at it again. -
First the obvious- there shouldn't be a semi-colon a the end of the last line. It is the end of the thought, the scene, the journey and it left me wondering if there was a line forgotten after that. I think the piece- specifically the prose- would benefit from proper capitalization. With the poetry sections, you can get away with it more, but as a reader, prose without capitalization just looks lazy.
I like the way this is broken up, but it took me a few reads to get there. That's not a bad thing. I think readers (self included) get lazy and it is only because of the ridiculous amount of lit classes that I understand the importance of re-reading things over and over to find the gems that are missed within the first read. I appreciate that this was written well enough to make the third, fourth, and fifth reads worth it.
What I'd like to see, what I think would help tie this together and make the journey more evident to the reader is a common metaphor through out. The last two section use a flower and I think that's the strongest and would make the most sense used through-out. It would mean some heavy revision and re-thinking, but if it took you a month to put this together, I think you'd be willing to do that.
My strongest suggestion is to tuck this away somewhere... and not look at it for a month. I don't know how you write poetry- if it's on paper first, or strictly here... but revision, especially with something that is so personal, is difficult. I think you should hide this away and come back to it after you've written different pieces. Come back to the piece with a different (fresh) perspective. Read it out loud, think about the common theme in each section (because it's there) and figure out how to entwine each section in a stronger way.
This is a good piece, but it's not quite there yet. When you revise it, let me know and I'll come back and look at it again.
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The semi-colon at the end of the last line is there exactly to that effect. It continues in later poems. I also deliberately made the last line ugly. As for the capitalisation, I (almost) always use it in utilitarian English but since picking up the pen again this year I have not done it. I like the way it's all at a more even height, and capitalisation is pretty much pointless anyway (we can all read in lower case).
There are a few common metaphors and analogies: the world (which is what that relationship was to me); the starlet who becomes a beautiful woman; the trust in high hopes being forgotten at the end; and so on. I don't know that I could've narrowed it down to just one for a story like this. 'Feline, fearful' ties in with 'Eulogy for the Indomitable'.
I generally think of a word which I find interesting and build something around that. Where I write it depends on whether I'm at my computer or out somewhere with a book. I do edit, but once I call curtains closed on a piece, it stays there. There'll be no revision, but I do write one every couple of days or so, and I'm constantly trying to improve.
Thank you for an honest and thorough critique,
David -
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My comment posted twice- oops. Am trying to divide my time between the desk computer and the lap top. Still not comfortable with the lap top although it's easier to tote around with me...
In defense of revision- I've never understood writers who don't revise. Well, that's not entirely true. If you are writing for you and writing to share here, then it's not necessary. If you are writing with publishing in mind (and I think you've got the talent for that) revision is mandatory.
I'd say 95% of what I write goes through some sort of revision. But I've been writing for so long now, I generally revise as I write. My "Ballad of Erica" is an example of a rough draft. From those five "chapters" on my page, I've used enough to make 3 paragraphs for the story I'm writing.
Another example- my poem Please Dear started as a letter- two handwritten pages front to back and margin to margin. That poem took a full year to get to where it is because it is so personal and was so ridiculously painful at the time I wrote it. On the flip side- Conversations with Maya Angelou came out that way, with the exception of one line.
There is rarely the perfect line the first time around. Sometimes it happens and when it does, it's beautiful. Again though, I guess it depends on your intent as a writer. For me, the revision process is much more painful than the actual writing process. There's not much that needs to be done with this piece to make it publishable If you change your mind, let me know.
If you don't change your mind, it is still a good piece.
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I'm interested in being published. Probably not this entire piece (sonnets maybe), but it does interest me. Where do I even start?
I'm considering reviewing Autumnal (Son XI) and seeing how that pans out for me (it's a couple of years old). This one's too personal to be open for review.
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How transitoryis romance; but OH! the dance. mannered and distilled your sonnet (XVll) well expresses the bliss of being in love in a difficult form. the metaphore of dance is a bit trite but you handle it with such originality that it sounds fresh. not easily done this. in line 6 "steal away my ears and hold all at bay" ,then beginning (ll.) with no dismay gave my the forboding pricklies. this happened more and more as you deftly lead on with the description of the halcion days, the worship phase, and the deepining relationship. Then came the dreaded punch poem with it's moving and explicit depiction of loss and grief. Wow! It's my belief that your final sad haiku is not the end of this series. If one is gifted with the ability to love just as with the ability to write he can't help doing so.
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ahh, this is more like it! thanks for taking the time, i really appreciate what youve said here. youre right, its not the end of the series, it continues in shorter bursts, but those were posted previously. this is number 'LXXIV' of 'LXXVII', but was started before those published later (all on here if youre interested).
Thanks again!
~David
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operatic expression, bravo!
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thank you so very much!
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I like it!!!!
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Thanks.
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I have just finished reading this and I am silenced for a change. On the intellectual level I am struggling to make sense of it all, but it has spoken to me in other ways. It has an existensial quality to it that appeals to me and seems to dance between abstract thought / feeling / situations, woven into an intimate non-linear story.
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Thanks for an in-depth response It's the story of 2007, when I was blissfully partnered with my best friend of half a decade, right up until collapse earlier this year.
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i can see why it took ages to write, you are deep involved as i, and there i was, trying to find equally minded poets, this is excellent, I am so glad there are so deepply engrossed individuals who compliment the reads to writes ratio. without them, it would be turmoil. I'm not really a 3 - 4 stanza guy, I like it long, tedious but effortlessly made to read, that is the thrill. well done.
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I'm not really a 3-4 stanza guy either. My verse is generally short, a snapshot into a feeling in my life. If theres a story to be told, I take a lot of snapshots and sequence them appropriately, the desired effect being a moving picture. Thank you again for a thorough comment.
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