And did you know that once upon a time you were my hero?
Once upon a time when vodka shots weren't the remedy
And You didn't have to scream to make me smile.
And did you know that once upon a time you were my savior?
Once up on a time when the cuts were accidental
And the bruised wrists were only a side effect of cuffs.
And did you know that once upon a time I believed
Once upon a time I believed in love
And now you're face is my destruction
And all the once upon a time's are my salvation.
Author notes
OneLastThing--
A contest entry
- Entertain me [freeverse] ♥ by whiterabbit..
330 points, ended June 29, 2008, 24 entries
Bronze trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Comments
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Before I forget, I have a quick correctin for you. Second line of the second stanza, "once up on a time" should be "once upon a time" Probably just a typo, but yeah.
There wasn't a lot of emotion in this which made it hard to connect to or feel strongly for. But you did have some good imagery such as:
bruised wrists were only a side effect of cuffs
now you're face is my destruction
vodka shots weren't the remedy
Cool (for lack of a better word) ideas there.
I think once upon a time was fine being repeted, except for in the last stanza. You might want to find a way to fix that so it flows better, because it repeats three times in four lines... so yeah. But that's pretty simple to do.
Hope I've been helpful, feel free to ignore my comment though if you're satisfied with your writing because that's cool too.
Good write, good luck in the contest.
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I really like this. I like the way you wrote it, the form really works for this. I can feel the emotions here. Great job.
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"And did you know that once upon a time you were my savior?
Once up on a time when the cuts were accidental"
So raw and powerful. Loved it.
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