I Lost You - A Journey In Divorce

I have too many short poems of thought that went through my mind as I grieved my second divorce. This is one I still have not grieved entirely. I decided to put them together here instead of seperate poems.

Does love last forever, in this woman's heart a resounding Yes

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                  Deep was my love
                  Even I could not destroy it
                  Even you could not destroy it
                  But time?...




                                            Quietly you loved
                                            Quietly you hated
                                            Quietly you left

I bared my soul
I bared our child
I bared your burdens
I bared your hatred
Then...
I bared your leaving



                          A single tear it fell today
                          I hate you so then it melted away



I make you smile
I make you laugh
It has no meaning


                                          I gave myself a gift-
                                          Love enough to let go of,
                                          That which is not love...



        I wore a mask today
        At night I dreamt of you,
        The mask faded away



                                  Today is like yesterday
                                  Tomorrow like today
                                  Sixety days of freedoms bondage



I tried to cry but I couldn't
I tried to smile but I wouldn't




                          I wanted to destroy you
                          I wanted to suffer you
                          Then I discovered I would
                          Destroy my very soul




You gave back what I gave you
For it was dirt to you but,
I took the dirt and planted
a new garden. With it's fruit
I fed our family.




Why is it so?
When did this happen?
What can I do?
Whose fault is it?
Where was I?

                                              In my memories:
                                              I hear your car
                                              I smell your skin
                                              Feel your touch
                                              See your dark hair
                                              Then I remember
                                              It's just a memory




                  I'm afraid to let go
                  I'm afraid to hold on





I emptied my wallet and my albums,
my picture frames, my drawers, my
closets and my desk to erase you.

Who can erase your finger prints on my soul?





                        When love turns to hatred and bitterness so easily
                        It, my friend was never love to begin with





        Do you understand did you ever try?
        Did you care when you heard me cry?
       
        Did your heart ever whisper why cant I love?
        Why does she chase when I want to shove?


                           

I cast you a line with bait several times a day.
You rejected the line and the bait, I was emptied,
my line with no bait and I weary.
Then I heard God say, "Cast your line".
I said, "I have nothing left to give for I have
wasted it all". Again God said, "Cast your line".
I cast him my empty line and my precious
father took my nothing and said, "I give to you".




Today I paved a new road and a new home
without your essence.
For a moment I pondered you here with us.




                                        YOU ARE GONE

                                Seconds, minutes...hours
                                Then days, weeks, months...years     





              In this solitude-

              No touch

              No talking
         
              No sexual identity

              I lost a part of me

              I have no choice




I mourn you , yet I celebrate.
I loathe my deeds yet I forgive myself.
What is there to mourn and why I am sad?
Can I deny there was some form of love,
for it were all bad would I be so sad?
I should be elated and at peace, yet I
am shamed. I cannot make you full of love,
full of God and for this I am weary.
Our daughter as lost a father, I your
smiles and my children a friend.





You forgot me
I forgave you
I forgave you
You moved on
You moved on
I began again