I watched you from a distance
Never far enough away
You would look in my direction
Smile then forget me
Those smiles took me higher
In my own little world
Raising me up to the clouds
To hold me there alone
I saw you with all your friends
Isolated in a crowd
You cared for them
While they used you
The sadness in your eyes
Made me fall for you
In a way I thought only
Happened in movies
You never saw it coming
I never tried to stop it
"Love" pulled me down
Only you can stop my fall
Author notes
I know that it's not my best but I hope you still like it. ^_^
A contest entry
- Emo IT BABE! by as.phy.xi.ate..
300 points, ended February 19, 2008, 6 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
I know it sucks...but please tell me how badly.
Comments
1 - 5 of 5
-
Quote for comment, message when done
-
this does not suck, this is a lovely piece you have written, complete, yet could be more either of your choice. if anything it is and understandable poem, filled with emotions, it makes one wish we were inside the story you have painted.
-
dont put yourself down
I don't know for sure how much of a critique you want. I could make some suggestions off the site in more privacy if you like. Basically, in my humble opinion, this has some elements of good poetry and
the flow is good. I do like it. keep writing
jingle -
Hmmm... Emo poetry is SO not my thing, but I figure I'll give you the courtesy of a comment, since I clicked this thing.
Anyway, it had it's moments, though it had potential to be something raw, something spectacular and real. But I found that it lacked passion. Oh, and 'dirction' should be 'direction'. I liked the second stanza though.
Hate to rain on your parade, but I'm just being honest
Good luck in your contest!
Laura
xxx -
-
You didn't rain on anything. And thanks for catching my mistake.
Thank you!
-
Adding your comment:
1 - 5 of 5
