Ditch the ads, upload images and much more - upgrade today from 5.95/month!
Read • Contests • Groups • Learn • Forums • Store • Help
 

Beside Myself



Skeletal trunks entrap subsiding memories
chiming like echoes underfoot,
  pulled apart by branches
  strumming chords
  upon my soul.

Rewriting a thousand words of magic
reflected within
and without
a clue of direction;
a paradox, self-conceived
  and self-controlled.


Distorted I forget...
      to hold the pen
and spill ink, tinged with transparency
over my washed-out
dyeing mind,

  keyless concentration
  impedes my conclusion;
not to finish
is to fetter

and to
fetter
is to
fail.

Author notes

dyeing = intentional

A contest entry

Suggestions?

    : , Your review:

    Comment Suggestion: What is your your first impression?
    • Line numbers  • Invite them to read
    : no Cost: 0 free left 0 points, You have (?)

Comments

1 - 30 of 30

  • BermudaHighway
    March 6, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    I have to say that it's the lack of effusiveness that makes this piece strong and defines it. The title is "Beside Myself." This seemed to be about a hollow, sinking feeling brought on by the inability to follow through with something. "Skeletal trunks entrap subsiding memories
    chiming like echoes underfoot,"

    That metaphor is rife with emotion, actually. It doesn't hit you over the head, but what kind of poet would you be if you didn't strive to make people work a little to reap the rewards of your efforts - and make yourself work a little, for that matter.

    Is this about some piece of writing that you are unable to finish? Whether that's a metaphor or not, it's a wisely chosen subject. Everybody knows what it's like to have that nagging voice in the back of their mind telling them to finish something, and the dread of choosing not to when they know there will be consequences.

    This may not have any big red stamps on it that say how the reader should be feeling, but that's what I truly appreciate about your stuff. The more I re-read and the more thought I devote to your poems, the more I "get" them.


    • Death of the Author
      March 7, 2008
      Edit | Reply
      Had to look up effusiveness! Haha.

      I guess in a way it is about that...I had to write about a door in a forest and what happened when I went through...I found myself writing the poem about going through a forest and finding a door...perpetually lol. If that makes sense!

      I'm glad you "get" them, it's always nice to recieve your comments Take care x


  • whits end silver member
    February 25, 2008

    Edit | Reply

    Wow!!

    First of all I want to say I like your alias and secondly I love this poem. Beautifully written, words flowing like a river. I checked out the contest you've posted for your parents' anniversary and I think it is very thoughtful of you.


  • Exodus gold member
    February 11, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    Your use of language was wonderful and really hard hitting, however, if I'm being honest, it seemed like there was a complete lack of emotion behind this. I couldn't feel anything at all except the words, and I know you can write pieces that hit you with emotion from the first word, so I don't know what happened...

    Good luck.


  • Naridill
    February 10, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    I like the ending - for a strange reason - honestly. I love the way it picked the rest up. The lacking imagery was kind of a good effect at start but I do feel some more imagery would improve in future.


  • W a s p
    February 10, 2008

    Edit | Reply

    Can...

    I have some of the stuff that you are on? I think it's ok to make notes and let others know what is running through your mind. U.F.I.


  • Tangled Angle
    February 9, 2008
    Edit | Reply

    8.2

    Why does everyone have a need to explain their poem in their authors notes? This is becoming an issue. I think I might have to make a rule. haha. but yeahhhh.. anyway.

    I like this. The line breaking had a good purpose, but wasn't sure if it was fulfilled. Towards the second half it became choppy. The ending is good. Overall, a strong poem. I like this one better than your last poem.

    Score: 8.2


  • Zombieh
    February 9, 2008
    Edit | Reply

    wow

    good poem dude, keep up the good work


  • Abe 1
    February 9, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    Rewriting a thousand words of magic
    finding myself reflected within
    and without a clue
    of direction.
    grreeaatttt amazin fab deep
    abe

  • xTomorrowx
    February 8, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    This is definitely unique, I really like it...
    It's different, original, imaginative, awesome write, I love it...
    Good luck in the contest, I hope to see you go far!


  • And Hyetal
    February 8, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    Yup yup yup, I totally get this. I love your imagery and description. It really is unique and the reader can totally get this.

    Good luck in the contest!

    ~Cassie


  • Never Fall in Love
    February 8, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    Maybe I can keep my hopes of receiving a short author's note from you
    You know what I think, I don't need to repeat!
    But I will repeat regardless I think you're improving on free verse and soon you'll be top god
    I leave this on the note that I really really like this

    Never ♥

1 - 30 of 30