Your hair,
shining in the morning light
is like the gold-flecked rock
shimmering beneath the breath
of Superior in the sun's smile;
both are memories.
©2008
2-8-08
Author notes
Written for the contest: Copper by Ernest T. Watts
with Cvillelisa
http://allpoetry.com/contest/2390043
A contest entry
- Copper by Frank N Beevers.
900 points, ended February 22, 2008, 6 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
A critical comment is invited
Comments
1 - 6 of 6
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Your hair,
shining in the morning light;
it is like the gold-flecked rock
shimmering beneath the breath
of Superior in the sun's smile.
Both are memories.
Your hair shining,
in the morning light
like the gold-flecked rock shimmering
beneath the breath of Superior;
both are memories.
But that's just me. It seems like it should be said/read in one outward breath. I'm not sure why. Like the title ...
Thanks for your entry!
Lisa
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Yes, I think it is one breath, I know it is one thought. I think a semi-colon is correct. However, I do not think I can lose all of the third line as that makes it incomplete.
Thank you for taking the time to read and leave your input.
rous
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take "like" out of line 3.
I like "inbalance" if it is intentional. If not, well...
Lose the last line. -
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Why the last line? And the like? What would you suggest in place of it?
And it was.
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This paints a nice scene, I like it.
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Thank you. I hope the point got through.
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