With straight laced back to bolster attention
pseudo reflection beguilingly displayed,
silica compressed, provokes recollection
of journey within when the truth was betrayed.
Like frost on the window defeat was coated
In faux sparkling gaiety, in sham masquerade.
That negative twin arrogantly gloated,
as sure as the master controlling the slave.
Reality buried like day demoted
beneath darkness’s oppressive tidal wave,
left to cower, like cur in submissive grave.
With defiance ascending from spark to flame,
to shatter this nightmare before damned defeat,
with a fist turned dentist to fracture this shame,
the remnants of memory lay at my feet.
In sea of slivers my soul still not unbound,
my counterfeit brother in painful retreat,
yet still I am hazy, in mist that confounds,
struggling for release from enigma rhymes
my senses recoiling to the laughter’s sound
and as eyes are cast upon pieces of crime,
each reflection reflected a hundred times.
Author notes
Team Sonneteer
Double Terza Rima.
A Terza Rima is a poem with eleven syllable count in each line and a rhyming scheme of aba, bcb, cdc, dd.
http://www.shadowpoetry.com/resources/wip/types.html
A contest entry
- DFI Round 3 ~ Through the Looking Glass by And Hyetal.
850 points, ended March 15, 2008, 10 entries
Silver trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Get Gold This Time For Your Rhyme by piccola.
400 points, ended April 22, 2008, 14 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Terza Rima Sonnets by Mercury Rising.
1800 points, ended April 7, 12 entries
Honorable mention
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Be honest
Comments
1 - 10 of 10
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A wonderful double offering, and a pleasure to read. Best of luck, and thanks for entering.
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Nice job and I see why you were awarded a trophy. Thank you for entering.
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Imagery: 1 point
Theme: 1 point
Use of Form/Flow: 1 point
Other criteria: 1 point
Overall Appeal: 1 point
Ooh, I love the form here and the line breaks were really effective. Great rhyme scheme, too.
This poem had a great theme, and I was really impressed. Thank you for entering!
~Cassie
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complicated and interesting..
'That negative twin arrogantly gloated
as sure as the master controlling the slave,'
the poem is active as you can feel the frustration and sense of loathing as the glass is broken. The rythmn builds the emotion and contains it at the same time, however I struggled with stanza 6 line 2 as it seemed to break the rythmn.
Very good ending.
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I like it. The rhyme is effective, but the cadence is a little rough. A few of the lines do not hold the 11 sylables you were looking for. For example the first line has 12 with-its-straight-lac-ed-back-to-bol-ster-at-ten-tion
The 4th line has 12.
of-jour-ney-with-in-when-the-truth-was-be-tray-ed
LLine 18 has 12
yet-still-that-I-am-haz-y-in-mists-that-con-founds
Line 20 has 10
My-sen-ses-re-coil-ing-to-laugh-ter's-sound
The break in cadence becomes somewhat noticible when you read it aloud.
You do creative work, and I am in awe of you ability define and establish a theme and hold it through 22 lines bringing it to a significant conclusion. Your image is powerful and effective.
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Wow im really liking this piece. You did an excellent job here.This part caught me in particular:
"of journey within when the truth was betrayed.
Like frost on the window defeat was coated
In faux sparkling gaiety, in sham masquerade."
I love it
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of journey within when the truth was betrayed.
this reads like a dark song...beautiful job. I love it. Best of luck to you in the contest.
**Ktulu Blackwolfe**
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this was a very good example of TERZA RIMA this ending was very strong:"and as eyes are cast upon pieces of crime,
each reflection reflected a hundred times."
the man in the mirror is always you - or is it? thanks for sharinmg regards zaj -
You sure have the touch Fug. Each time I read something by you, I feel like I have the hardest time catching my breath. Guess that means I'm lucky to read your wonderful pieces. Love, Cathy
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wow this is a gorgous write and your words are powerful with imagery and just wow. you are an inspiration
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