I stand behind a glass window,
plastic emotions painted on eye-piece
as mixing acrylics, betraying beauty,
a mirage of faltering hopes and smiles,
washed inside the foam of humanity's sea,
fleeting in fake strolls,
past a mannequin's understanding.
Fashion tolls turn confidence to doubt,
personality's flicker as candle flames,
bereft of any reality,
within self-framed notions
of double-standard vitality.
Taking strolls down memory lanes,
we string thoughts of accented dreams
the life we change for other's sake,
but more so for ours,
to find acceptance
and a bitter-sweet sense.
A plastic dummy may be wisdom's river,
as deep-rooted thought surfaces
and I play a tune on my harp;
that rings in an echo seeking salvation,
after all, I know better than most
the non-life of an artificial smile.
Author notes
[[Asfand]]
24 lines.
For Teen Idol contest.
I wanted to do something very close to me and very close to everyone. it's that fitting in, when you're a teen you just want to blend into the crowd, be noticed and just have that fear of sticking out. That's why I chose to write form the view point of a plastic manequin, a dummy that is so very artificial. Just as we all are at some point.
It really sucks to have to change for others, but once you're there, and you look back, you really understand how good it must feel to just be youerself. be at ease. That's true freedom.
Prompt: Walking along a forest(metaphorically for blending into the crowd of people) and you see a door,(that of revelation) and you enter to see you're in a new world(where you can truly - well, be!)
A contest entry
- Teen Idol 7: Round 4 [Top 12] by Tangled Angle.
300 points, ended February 12, 2008, 12 entries
Gold trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Criticism Is Very Much Welcomed -- I Am Here To Learn
Comments
1 - 6 of 6
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There was one line in this that really stuck for me, I think I had to read it three times to get the feel of it right; "personality's flicker as candle flames,".
But other than that, I enjoyed the abstract nature of this, like Heather I was able to put faces and names to things and while the end picture was slightly bizzare, it was beautiful too.
Good luck -
I got what Tyler is saying - but I honestly, with understanding this, gave the objects a name, a face and something to represent - that made sense to me. If that makes sense. I love the direction you went, something personal, yet relative and strung with high bred and intensity.
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9.1
Some of the imagery was hard to put together, which was a drawback because it over-complicated the meaning of your poem. Example:
"A plastic dummy may be wisdom's river,
as deep-rooted thought surfaces
and I play a tune on my harp;"
There's too many random objects used to symbolize things. What makes it confusing is that the objects have no relevance to each other. They do meaning-wise, but they don't have any relevance to them literally. Because of that, what you are trying to say is too over the top. Let your ideas have room to breathe.
Kind of the over the top with the imagery, but still, the meaning is so deep and what you have to say here about people in society is so true. Probably not your best one, but still this is excellent, and I did like this.
Score: 9.1
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Yea, I guess so too, it's thick isn't it. I thought so too, but the poem my uneditted version seemed a bit of a rip-off of my last poem for Round 3, so I kinda had change it. But I get what you're saying, it IS complicated!
Thank you! Critiquing is much more appreciated then a 'nice do'!
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You've done an excellent job interpreting the given prompt, my young friend and this poem once again displays your immense talent, but also your emotional maturity. Well done...we can only be ourselves, and live and write from the pulse that is true. Wonderful depth of thought and soul here.
~ Nicolette
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*bows* thank you, nicolette, your comments are always much appreciated!
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