He was a suicide man,
And I sucked him through my lips;
He tasted of forest walks and
Summer rain,
Bound together in a chord
That sent thunder
Through the belly of the beast.
Vibrated with a peculiar twang that wasn't long forgotten by this world.
I turned the key;
Forged
The sun-pieces he wore around his
Neck
Like early vibrations.
And as I sliced at them
To rid him of this shining
Inoculation,
I felt the clotted ink start to whisper;
And in those atramentous fingers
He found the steps that fit my shoes
But not my feet;
The path was a nebulous of
Arms and hopes and white powder,
With the fist still knocking deftly
On the cedar.
Author notes
My username is flatline.
This is going to be a very skwed prompt for me.
Forest - weed.
The door, the trip.
The destination, the heartache, the closing of the door, and the re-tracing of steps.
Weed tastes like a forest to me.
That's where the prompt took me.
when I walk through the door, (smoke the weed, you get it?)
I get to see inside his head, and for a moment,
we weren't so different.
Too bad, huh?
A contest entry
- Teen Idol 7: Round 4 [Top 12] by Tangled Angle.
300 points, ended February 12, 2008, 12 entries
Bronze trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Please tell me what you think
Comments
1 - 9 of 9
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The capitals at the beginning of each line annoyed me, but I think I've mentioned that before, and it's more of a personal reading choice than anything anyway.
I thought this was incredibly well written. My only comment is that I think you could have hit harder with your last line, really made the end stand out.
Good luck. -
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thanks for the read.
I'm sorry the caps annoy you. Personal style, I suppose. I shall refrain if you wish next time though.
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Each writer has their own style. It's just not something I'm use to. That doesn't make it bad
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alrighty.
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I got this - well the most of it and it left me in awe, its intriguing, personal and such delicate emotions. There is a lot of stands outs that work together to create something, I think is intense and extremely well penned.
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9.0
I honestly had no idea what exactly you were talking about at first, but that was my fault...some poetry just isn't meant to be understood though.
The authors notes did help me...but I wish the poem could have been able to stand on its own two feet; whether the true meaning is understood by the reader or not, this poem is written well enough to stands for itself.
I like the idea. Kind of hard to understand, but that's how most personal poems are...and there is nothing wrong with that.
Score: 9
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That is really strange... I actually liked how abstract this was... I wasn't all to sure what you're trying to say but I did like it. Good luck in the contest.
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Err. white powder. Looks like I decided against saying "the white girl" for some reason....*shrug*
Thanks still.
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It's about an ex best friend.
I was trying to say that I'm having a really hard time getting him out of my system.
Hence, the drugs.
White girl, cocaine.
Forest weed thing.
*shrug*
Plus, he's a hardcore druggie.
Helps the plot along, I suppose.
Haha.
Thanks for reading and taking the time to comment.
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