She used to say,
while the ice tinkled in her bourbon
and her cigarette dripped from her lips
that youth is wasted on the young.
She'd talk about her honey and how
he still talks to her, god rest
his soul, and she'd get to him
soon enough.
I always thought she was full of it,
but never had the heart to tell her.
I don't believe in ghosts or ever after
and not even the love of a man
can change that.
He came to her in her dreams tonight,
open armed and smiling. She told me
right before she left- a whisper in
her crinkly voice that smelled of
nicotine and alcohol that said
goodbye.
I was the only one not surprised
when the paramedics came flying
through ten minutes later. I was
the only one who didn't cry or
break down.
And god damn it, I still don't
believe in ghosts or ever afters.
Not even the love of an old woman
can change that.
Author notes
This is a brand new rough draft. Critiques are welcome.
It feels a little... directionless to me.
A contest entry
- I want to believe by Danna Hobart.
375 points, ended March 2, 2008, 11 entries
Silver trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Cancer [PWs Allowed] by LeilaJayne.
400 points, ended October 17, 2008, 26 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Comments
1 - 8 of 8
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Awww this is incredible. I really loved it. Especially the senses used, like the smell of the alcohol and cigarettes, i can really imagine it. Thanks for entering x
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its really cool. like, in a harsh reality this is how it is sort of way. it really reminds me of asofterworld.com. just how you get a snipet of the story and the rest youre left to wonder. it made me smile.. i dont know. your style is cool. sorry thats such a lame comment, buuuut im tired. i liked it a lot though.
__shelly -
I really love this. It wasn't directionless really. It could use a few tweaks with line breaks here and there. Overall this is a superb, skilled piece.
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oh I like this. Great ghost and love of a man reference.
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on a further note, i'd have replaced 'dripped' with 'drooped' in the first stanza. cigarettes don't drip, but they do droop.
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Not directionless at all.
It unrelentlingly takes the reader
to the conclusion of which you hint,
making the reader want to believe
in her visions. Then, you clunk is with
the wall you have put up with your disbelief.
Seems pretty perfect to me!
Aesthete
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i see what you mean by directionless: but much like Orwell's 'Coming Up for Air' (in which a man doesnt like his life and goes to his home town. then he doesnt like his home town and goes back to his life), even though not a lot is happening the prose is engaging.
i actually see a skeptic faced with the dilemma of 'feeling' evidence of an afterlife, and then sticking by reason anyway. nicely done.
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Well, I followed the direction. I think it flows well from beginning to end. I think the line breaks are working well for you too.
If I think of any suggestions, I will let you know, but overall, I really like this.
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