Nebulous writhings, pure emotion,
blot a madcap ledger, writ
like the last, inchoate notion
of a dark, unhealthy fit.
Extant some bold lammergeier,
serpentwise, yet dragon fell,
destroying life's pure, flaring fire
across untrammeled leagues of hell.
Colors shooting blinding schism
lighten dark, unfettered dreams.
Sunlight, filtered by a prism,
outlines evanescent schemes.
While from behind black prison bars
the savant yearns to claim the stars.
Author notes
This is a sonnet.
A contest entry
- TEN THOUSAND POINTS OF RHYME (Now 20,000+) Part 10 The Grand FINALE 5000+ Points! by cricketjeff.
5000 points, ended February 12, 2008, 46 entries
Honorable mention
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - MUSEUM QUALITY by RyanosaurusWrecks.
1100 points, ended March 7, 2008, 10 entries
Gold trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - A Few Words I'm Sick of Seeing: by Exit-Stage-Right.
1050 points, ended September 15, 2008, 14 entries
Gold trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - #180 Winklings Sonneteers & Villanellists invite you in! by Lyndon.
2400 points, ended July 7, 32 entries
Silver trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Please tell me what you think
Comments
1 - 26 of 26
-
I can merely repeat
what I've said earlier:
"Images have depth and passion. You manage to be astutely selective. The lammegeier is not only a frightening predator but it attacks lambs, particularly, traditional symbols of innocence. Writ large, this poem is a cry from the heart for the onward destruction of planet earth. Writ small, it is very personal. It is true, some cosmologists see our only hope, the stars!
This poem is deeply thoughtful but utterly accessible. What is poetry for but to stimulate, breathe fresh thinking, sheet home truths? "
I hasten to add that this raptor's lamb-killing is a furphy. It does drop stones on bones and drops tortoises. But what is that in the personal/global demise of life?
-
Almost Trophy Material
Sumptuous vocabulary, a couple of unusual rhyming pairs and a great couplet finale that induces one to contemplate, not only the savant, but the metaphor behind “prison bars”. A top-drawer write start to finish, but at only 66 words, probably should have had a second verse to come a little closer to the 200 word minimum—the rule that few others heeded (hence the “negotiable” afterthought comment). I like it… I can see I’m going to have to devise some sort of point scheme on a host of criteria to judge this contest!
-
if we could undo the damage done, what would we do differently? An interesting piece, makes me ponder on the state of our planet. Well done.
Rory
-
-
Well, considering ...
that everything we've done for the last 7 1/2 years has been wrong, it wouldn't be hard to find something to change.
-
-
Wow this poem did not disaapoint at all. A very strong read
-
I really enjoyed this piece, and I have to gush over the rhythm, at least a little bit. It reminds me a bit of "The Raven" in its cadence. You've used a couple of my favorite adjectives: nebulous and evanescent. Perhaps it'll be sooner rather than later that the savant will be loosed.
-
ok, hangover free
im glad my slight advancement in age has taught me restraint...so about your entry, first i want to congratulate you on cricketjeffs Trophy, those are hard to come by, as I think he has a biased and slanted view of what rhyme is...secondly, this vocabulary blew me away, especially when broken down, it comes across as such a simple expression with a heavy-laden message...so thank you for that, this is one prewrite that commands respect...thirdly, not that it affects the outcome or magnitude of this write, i was wondering why the last two lines did not flow with the rest of the poem...is this intentional, or am i lost as to a which form of poetry you are using? again, just a question, out of pure curiosity...prelim. finalist, only for the fact that most who enter this contest should be given the chance to witness what Museum Quality means...applaud given below on previous drunken comment
-
-
Truthfully ...
cricketjeff likes sappy love poems. Period.
I don't write sappy love poems. I shouldn't have even entered his contests, but I was curious as to how well I would do overall, and did more top 3's than anybody despite his predilection for sappy love poems. Everybody has his / her own biases about poetry. I imagine you have yours just as I have mine, so it's certainly okay for him to have his too.
The final two lines are meant to show a particular emphasis. I suppose that didn't work since you didn't get it. I don't suppose I will change it though, as it works for me. I feel that the final two lines of a sonnet should be the most powerful lines in the poem, and try to achieve that whenever possible. If I didn't succeed, I will just have to try harder next time.
-
-
i will get back to you on this write, it seems i am a touch under the influence of wineries to compliment this as much as it deserves
-
-
You're a brave soul ...
I don't do that kind of thing during the week.
-
-
Images have depth and passion. You manage to be astutely selective. The lammegeier is not only a frightening predator but it attacks lambs, particularly, traditional symbols of innocence. Writ large, this poem is a cry from the heart for the onward destruction of planet earth. Writ small, it is very personal. It is true, some cosmologists see our only hope, the stars!
This poem is deeply thoughtful but utterly accessible. What is poetry for but to stimulate, breathe fresh thinking, sheet home truths?
Thank you for directing me here.
-
-
Thanks ...
you're a breath of fresh air at the worst of times.
-
-
Magnificent rhyme...this is the clear winner and it's so blatantly obvious that not everyone truly knows a good sonnet when they read one...such a shame. Well written and flows like honey!
-
the only thing that matters in life is the here and now as one chooses to perceive it. The end of the world began the day it came to be just as God has planned. I for one shall continue to live for the moment for tomorrow is promised to no one. So why get depressed over things you cannot change???
Joe
-
While from behind black prison bars
the savant yearns to claim the stars.
I deeply enjoyed this one, kiddo. It had an enchanting yet staccato feel to it, the lines nimbly climbing all over each other in a charming, ghostly manner. The ending just ached.
Very haunting stuff.
-
This poem is a challenge for me, Jim. I am bookmarking it, partly because I like it so much, but just as much because I love how you use language in the rhyme. I have been working on expanding my vocabulary. After reading this, I only sigh, and know I've much more work to do. The verse you sent me seems quite a fitting encore to reading this poem, and sage advice.
-
-
The verse I sent ...
was from the internet and not mine.
I thought it was worth a read.
-
-
i'm not adverse to rhyme in any way and have written in tradition forms many times myself but since there are so few here that do it very well i never seek it out... but you are one of the rare exceptions here, wonderful meter, language, imagery...
very nicely done
al
-
-
Thanks.
Always good to hear from a real expert on good poetry.
-
-
Hey,
This was just a fire works display of words.
The end gives almost a frustrating feeling of someone not being able to see the sunlight filtered by a prism.
Had a stardust magical feel. Enjoyed it a great deal.
Makes your comments even more appreciated knowing your grand style and articulate writing ability.
MANY MANY BLESSINGS MY GYPSY BROTHER,
LOWELL POE.
-
very interesting...
I love the word choices in this one.
-
Beautiful
This evokes images of many different things, from a 1960's acid trip to some futuristic battleground or maybe sci-fi movie. And it rhymes to boot. One of the best writes I've seen.
-
-
Funny ...
most people don't realize that 15 of the Earth's biospheres are on the verge of collapse and the rest soon will be. Amazing how wrapped up people are in their daily little ruts, and how inattentive they are to what's really going on.
-
-
I must quickly get out my dictionary. Since this is a rhyming contest, you did successfully execute your poem.I actually understood what the poem says. You are so brilliant with this metaphor of the demise of our world, sooner than later. Luck you won't need.
Shana
-
-
My goodness ...
you certainly are astute. I was afraid people wouldn't get it. The poem is actually meant to work on two levels, the micro- and the macro, to point up not only the problems we have as individuals dealing with the complexities of our lives but also with the problems the race is having dealing with the major complexities and impending problems of overpopulation and collapsing biospheres.
-
-
A sure fire rhythmic flow of cadency rolls off the tongue in reading this well structured piece.Although my febble vocabulary sent me running for a dictionary. The feeling of a faux existance rushs throw each line.Nice work.
Adding your comment:
1 - 26 of 26
