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Gathering dust

 

 

 

 

 

Syllables stutter

as they birth from my tongue;

 

     (I'm not sure what to do

      with these thoughts,

      thrown onto paper

      like pagan poetry.) 

 

     They swirl in thin air,

     trying to find a match

     in your eyes.

 

But still,
my lips gather dust

as words

fail to happen -

 

   I'll take an orchid in my mouth

   and let it ripen;

   so that its perfume

   can draw you a blueprint

   of my being.

 

   I'll give you a lily

   and hope

   it will write you a dictionary,

   to manifest the metaphors

   I find in us.

 

And we alliterate with ardor:

 

my fingers,

   forget-me-nots

      caressing the curves of your body,

 

   your hands,

      the garden in which I reside.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Author notes

Valentine's day out of the box.

leander - 23075 comments

A contest entry

Please tell me what you think

    : , Your review:

    Comment Suggestion: What is your your first impression?
    : no Cost: 0 free left 0 points, You have (?)

Comments

1 - 87 of 87

  • jadedsnapdragon silver member
    October 6
    Edit | Reply
    Great write!


  • perfectsunset
    August 16

    Edit | Reply
    Wow..this left me breathless....
    so beautiful, it left me with not much more to say accept i loved it

    thank you so much for sharing
    & best of luck!

  • jonestown tea silver member
    August 8

    Edit | Reply
    I'll take an orchid in my mouth
    and let it ripen;

    That was stellar along with the stanza under that one.



  • Midnight-x-Rose
    June 18

    Edit | Reply
    Very beautifully wrote, very passionate and a great choice of words, love the way you laid it out as well.

  • Nam
    June 6

    Edit | Reply
    Though I found the italiced version to be quite cliché in its description I also found that it worked quite well in what it was; which I find very rarely in such cases of its use.

    A great poem that you have written here.

    -Nam

  • Angelflower Greeters member
    May 23

    Edit | Reply
    This was truly a wonderful piece.. I really enjoyed this.. And your lady is very luck to have a guy such as you..lol.. I'm sure that she walks around with a smile on her face.. Wonderful job.. I really enjoyed this..

    Angel

  • poetryality silver member
    May 21

    Edit | Reply
    It is easy to see why this writ garners Gold all over the place!

    "I'll take an orchid in my mouth
    and let it ripen;
    so that its perfume
    can draw you a blueprint
    of my being."

    Sigh! BEAUTIFUL!

    Note: ripe and ripen are both acceptable, most specifically in poetry!


    Much Love ♥

    Renee




  • ecrivain01 silver member
    May 12

    Edit | Reply

    This is quite good ...

    but I will say that it makes those people look really bad who gave you those trophies and didn't point out the missing "n" here:

    and let it ripe; (ripen)

    Anyway, congratulations on the Golds.


    • leander gold member
      May 13
      Edit | Reply
      I did in fact get a suggestion from someone, and I looked it up (as English isn't my maternal language) and I found out both form are possible... Unless the site where I did find it was wrong

  • Blooming Poet
    May 11

    Edit | Reply
    All I can say at a lack of words you have one lucky lady. This is beautiful for valentines day, actually for any day..

  • Roaddog Wolf gold member
    May 6

    Edit | Reply
    very nicely penned, you have created some very original and profound lines in this piece, good write

    thank you for entering my contest and good luck with the judging


  • LadyUnique silver member
    May 2

    Edit | Reply
    i admire this poem so much that it's featured on my page just wanted to let you know that

  • Rebekah-Ann silver member
    May 2

    Edit | Reply
    this was a lovely read! You surely have the trophies to prove that!

    Thank you for entering this contest.

    becks

  • Freed by Mercy silver member
    April 29
    Edit | Reply
    "your hands,

    the garden in which I reside."

    Gives me goosebumps...


  • whispernthedark silver member
    April 26

    Edit | Reply
    My God that is beautiful. Thank you so much for entering the contest, good luck.

    ♥
    whisper

  • Heavens Child
    April 25

    Edit | Reply
    Such a beautiful piece. Some gorgeous metaphors and words choices. Best wishes and thank you for entering.

  • aj.vamp
    April 20

    Edit | Reply
    this is great.
    " But still,
    my lips gather dust

    as words

    fail to happen"
    that is probably my favorite part.
    if it was a song, i would listen to it over and over again.


  • Melissa Burns
    April 18

    Edit | Reply
    There was meant to be some applause but it says I've been here/done that sorry

  • Melissa Burns
    April 18
    Edit | Reply
    Thank you for entering my little contest - I enjoyed the read, specially the bit about orchids. Anywas

  • urapns66
    April 2

    Edit | Reply
    This is awesome! ahh i loved it lol! great job!
    " (I'm not sure what to do

    with these thoughts,

    thrown onto paper

    like pagan poetry "
    thats definitely my favorite part! keep up the good work and good luck!
  • Kalamina
    March 22

    Edit | Reply
    Very nice and creative way to bring about your description. It was sensual, but not disgusting or weird in any way, this poem truly described love and joy one can find with the person that they love. Great use of words, i enjoyed it a lot!


  • -LilacThOughts- gold member
    March 22

    Edit | Reply

    Exquisite!

    I wasn't sure what to expect by the title, so was pleasantly surprised to find, excellent free verse that reads like an entrancing story...a most beautifully penned and inspirational piece, quite different from the normal Valentines writes and deserves to have won three trophies...I like your style and metaphor used

    A joy to read

    Love and smiles ~Lilac


  • TheDemonEve
    March 22

    Edit | Reply
    What a sensual and exquisite piece. The imagery and metaphor is lush and drowns you in a pure beauty. A love like this is one rarely found. My breath is taken away! You have amazing talent, and this piece is a true work of art!! VERY well written. I am glad I stumbled upon this piece.


  • OutsideTheMirror silver member
    March 22

    Edit | Reply
    Very, very pretty. Also, I'm curious if you intended for a sexual metaphor with the orchid line; orchids are traditionally regarded as very sexual.

    .:Marie:.


    • leander gold member
      March 23
      Edit | Reply
      To be honest, I didn't know an orchid was regarded as being very traditional

      thank you for the comment and for the knowledge

  • Bleep7
    March 22

    Edit | Reply
    Shouldn't it be I'll take an orchid in my mouth and let it "ripen" instead of ripe? This is a beautiful love poem, flowers and love just go together so well, as you have described here!


    • leander gold member
      March 23
      Edit | Reply
      I've no idea about the 'ripen' to be honest you're the first one to mention it so thank you about that

  • Nicolette gold member
    March 22

    Edit | Reply

    How did I miss this one????

    Oh wow, Leander!!! . I don't know how i missed this poem because wow!! it is so very beautiful. And the flower metaphors... you know how much I love flower metaphors in poetry, so this poem just speaks right to my core, my friend.

    And you say you can't write love poetry?????? Let me tell you, you CAN and you write them with such skill and beauty!! Simply love this poem from start to finish (can't even pick my favourite line or stanza).

    Dis 'n wonderlike gedig - pragtig!!! Jy laat my selfs in Afrikaans skryf hier !!



    ~ Nicolette


    • leander gold member
      March 23
      Edit | Reply
      Thank you my friend
      lol - I think I had a bright moment when writing this


  • LadyUnique silver member
    March 22
    Edit | Reply
    had to come back and read this again

  • background music
    March 22

    Edit | Reply

    sweet

    Everything about this peice was great so i can't really say much else. except that I wish someone would have said these words to me!

  • Nasci Draco Sanguis silver member
    March 21

    Edit | Reply
    What a gorgeous poem. So rich in metaphor and the heart shines brightly here. I can't even tell you what I like best about it, it's that brillant.


  • NeonRose silver member
    March 21

    Edit | Reply

    amazing

    this is truly lovely, and well deserving of the spotlight position and the trophy. Congratulations. I will definitely be reading more of your work.

  • SweetRoses
    March 21
    Edit | Reply
    I think this is a wonderful write. Very nicely written.
  • carole21
    March 21

    Edit | Reply

    very nice

    nice nice love write .. liked "thrown onto paper like pagan poetry" and "my lips gather dust as words fail to happen" . . congrats on the trophies . .


  • meatloaf89
    March 21
    Edit | Reply

    great work

    beautiful write keep up the good work!


  • Lyrical Rain
    March 21

    Edit | Reply
    I loved it. I wish i was your girlfriend now lol! No really this is beautiful in all ways. "Ill take an orchid in my mouth and let it ripe; so that its perfume can draw you a blueprint of my being." This sent chills up my spine. This poem is beyond beautiful.

  • Dienush Greeters member
    March 2

    Edit | Reply
    Wow, this is definitely out of the box, love the metaphors, images, the way love and uncertainty as to how to express love feel so poignant in this poem. Very beautiful. There's only one thing... "it's perfume" I think "its" shouldn't have an apostrophe in it. This poem is well worth reading.


    • leander gold member
      March 2
      Edit | Reply
      Thank you very much for the comment and for catching that typo
  • Virgoan
    March 1
    Edit | Reply
    Excellent, I am in total awe


  • LadyUnique silver member
    February 29
    Edit | Reply
    i knew i had read this before. the pure romance is hard to forget
    this is my kind of poetry. thanks for entering and good luck

  • Faithbound gold member
    February 28

    Edit | Reply
    Beautiful. I had a love affair with the word birth in all it's forms some times ago. I just love it.


  • Lady Editor
    February 23

    Edit | Reply
    Oh, wow! I am now living proof that beauty can be written with words! You captured so many senses with this poem! The images were divine! Exceptional, I must say! Really well written! Good job!

    [promise I will stop shouting now]


  • Danna Hobart
    February 21

    Edit | Reply
    This is a marvelous poem, and I can't offer much in the way of a critique, but, there are 3 words that you might try cutting, and one word you might try changing from this stanza:

    But still,
    my lips gather dust
    as words
    fail to form

    As you can see, my suggestions do not change the meaning of your poem in any way. I only suggest them because I think that it creates a more powerful image with the three words cut, and the changing of the word "happen" to "form" gives alliteration that helps it to flow, slightly. But, please understand that I would not normally even make a suggestion of change on a poem this wonderful, but you entered it in my contest, so I felt obliged to look for something. Thank you for entering.


    • leander gold member
      February 21
      Edit | Reply
      Thank you very much for the suggestion

      I will cut those two words out cause I think you're absolutely right on that

      I'll think and ponder a bit of that wordchange. 'happen' and 'form' have quite the same meaning indeed, and though your suggestiong brings the alliteration with it, I still feel as if 'happen' sounds a bit more... stronger...

      anyway, thanks a lot for the critique

  • Entwining Beauty
    February 20
    Edit | Reply
    Very beautiful poem good luck in the contest


  • Melissa Burns
    February 20
    Edit | Reply
    "your hands, the garden in which I reside." Nice lines I enjoyed reading this poem, lots of imagery through out. Thank you for entering my contest, and good luck!


  • MariGoes gold member
    February 15
    Edit | Reply
    Is there a contest this poem isn't in?
    Just as it should, it's lovely! Did he read it?

  • Midnight-x-Rose
    February 15
    Edit | Reply
    Beautifully written

  • TillyMay
    February 14

    Edit | Reply
    When words fail you (and I get the feeling that is not a problem for you) always go with the flowers and touching!
    Okay, but seriously... this is a lovely poem. Your vocabulary is wonderful- it flows like honey on a hot day and best of all- it makes me actually wish I had a Valentine today. You write beautifully- the imagery is delightful- Good luck in the contest.

    Cheers,
    Tilly


  • The Poetic Bandits gold member
    February 12
    Edit | Reply

    9pts...

    Thank you for your contribution to The Poetic Bandits reading list

    ~Lilac


  • Ephiphany gold member
    February 11
    Edit | Reply

    Lovely creation

    I enjoyed this.
    Ephiphany♥

  • ronnica
    February 11
    Edit | Reply
    It is pink and hearty, filled with romance, and things a woman would want to hear and feel


  • RatherImaginative silver member
    February 11

    Edit | Reply
    This is sweet poem with beautful imagery.

    "I'll give you a lily
    and hope
    it will write you a dictionary,
    to manifest the metaphors
    I find in us."

    I really liked these lines especially, for you've found a way not yet used to describe your love.


  • Year of the Fire
    February 11
    Edit | Reply
    Great writing my man realting your pagan poetry *laugh* to Valentines Day.


  • one shot
    February 10

    Edit | Reply
    Wow once again. So much power in your metaphors and imagery. Yet do the flowers in the garden wilt? very thought-provoking, I loved the "pagan poetry" and the idea of writing a dictionary...which I found particularly interesting because a dictionary, with its concrete definitions, somehow contradicts the concept of poetry. Yet indeed poetry and imagery are the distortion of words and reality... (and I usually have a dictionary nearby when I write a piece... ) Beautifully portrayed. You've brought a new dimension to the word "
    love" without once using it.


  • wakingdevil
    February 10

    Edit | Reply
    I wd know who wrote this, even if I didn't c the name lol.U hv an uncanny, yet beautiful style and again well written!Best of luck


  • Lost Memory
    February 9

    Edit | Reply
    I find myself asking myself... why can't I find someone to feel like this for?... Often I come to no conclusion.
    It's a beautiful poem, and I do wish I could wright poems like this... Mine always turn out just a shade darker. Great poem.

    ~Nick

  • nothinghere silver member
    February 9

    Edit | Reply
    I could just put a sigh on this piece and I would think it could say it all.... beautiful imagery and a lot of romance... well done and goodluck in those contests

    Karen


  • grannyeri gold member
    February 8

    Edit | Reply
    Liked the background you have created for this poem, and the presentation on this page. Something different for Valentine's Day.

  • Metaphorist
    February 7

    Edit | Reply
    This is not your typical lovey-dovey stuff. It's romantic without being cliche. Stunning imagery. You are amazing by the way. Good luck in the contests.


  • completely mad
    February 7

    Edit | Reply
    this is a wonderful write...I am not much into love poetry, but you describe it so well...great poem here...you have a wonderful way with words my dear..


  • poet2angels silver member
    February 7

    Edit | Reply
    Oh my ~
    Sighs~.......
    This is gorgeous and I surly wish I wasn't known for never accepting prewrites
    ( I have had over 300 contests and maybe acccepted them twice LOL )
    This is so beautiful and a perfect example of a true love poem unique, natural and flowing like petals in the wind....Oh, this is magic....
    Amazing. TY for sharing it with me at my request.....
    I will be sighing over this one for awhile ....~

    Lynda


  • Yemassee silver member
    February 7

    Edit | Reply
    It's hard to match our feelings with our words. The words just never seem to be enough. But the reader doesn't see that. They see the beauty and the sentiment, and your poem is beautiful, but I know you don't feel it's adequate for your feelings, I think a lot of us feel that way when we try to say what's in the heart...I think.

    Is it lilly or lily in line 19?

    Like mariza said below...the bon bon thing.


    • leander gold member
      February 7
      Edit | Reply
      thankies very much - and it's lily, the flower thanks for catching that one

  • kiwigirljacks gold member
    February 7

    Edit | Reply
    This was beautiful!!!! Stunning in fact... such soft lovely words. Felt like a loving caress!

    Great job!


  • Lady Altheia
    February 7
    Edit | Reply
    Awww, this is lovely. Good luck to you on your contests. Thank yu for sharng your poetry.

  • Twinstar gold member
    February 6